The Plunge Blog

A reader writes:

"We are getting married in September and have just asked all of our friends and family to be a part of the wedding party. We each have 7, so admittedly this is going to be a big wedding. Last week my fiancée's mom and aunt added her cousins as ushers to my wedding party. Nobody ever asked me, just informed me. I now have a platoon with 7 groomsmen and 2 ushers. I don't care about them being in it so much as principle.

Am I overreacting or do I have right to be pissed? It has already been done, so at this point I need to be the asshole and uninvite them if I don't want them in it. I am also worried about the precedent that this could set."

Yep. You have the right to be pissed.

Thanks for writing in.

-The Plunge

So by now you've seen the most famous wedding video since the "Every Now and Then I Fu$#king Fall Apart!" scene from Old School. In a (moderately) amusing clip on YouTube, the bridal party makes an over the top entrance complete with dancing, somersaults, sunglasses, and choreographed twirls.

With over 8 million page views and counting, a Today Show appearance, and--knowing the entertainment industry--what will inevitably mushroom into a reality show spin-off, these guys got something right. So what should we take away from it?

5 quick lessons:

1. Your wedding is a party.

Now, granted, they pushed the envelope about as far as it can be pushed. And saying "your wedding is a party" isn't exactly license to hand your guests jello shots at the door. Oddly, though, the utterly non-traditional approach actually gets to the heart of the tradition: the event should be a celebration. And they celebrated their asses off.

2. Dancing sets the tempo.

True, men hate dancing. True, men hate wedding planning. In this case, two wrongs make a right--we've always been surprising advocates of a strong, energetic, put-some-thought-into-it first dance. And this couple took it to a preposterous new extreme that further validates our theory. So even though we don't recommend you actually reproduce this stunt at your wedding (more on that below), this is the energy you want at the start of your reception.

3. Personality trumps decorum.

That opening has character, charm, and unbridled force of personality. When you're torn between doing something personal vs. following the wedding-porn, go with your gut.

4. The best stuff comes from originality.

Everyone goes to weddings and copies what they like, and then criticizes what they don't. These guys didn't. Instead of cribbing from TheKnot and TableDecorationsHourly.com, they decided to do their own thing. So are you thinking of following their lead? Careful...

5. Imitation is the sincerest form of laziness.

This little stunt was fun, spirited, ballsy, and refreshingly original. You know what else was fun, spirited, ballsy, and refreshingly original? The Macarena. Think about it. Years and years ago, the first bride and groom to do the Macarena at their wedding were probably showered with compliments, beloved, and praised for their daring and gusto.  These days? If you do The Macarena we will personally steal your wedding bands and pawn them for beer money.  

We're calling it right now. Here's what's going to happen. Thousands and thousands of couples will see this video, fall in love with it, and say, "Hey! We're fun, too! These guys are great. Let's do the same thing and bust into the chapel with a choreographed dance number!"

Follow the spirit of their maneuver, not the letter. Six months from now, at your wedding, if you groove into the chapel wearing sunglasses and spinning your bride, your audience will politely cheer but inwardly groan.  Don't carbon-copy them.

Today's spunk is tomorrow's cliché.

Watch the whole video here.

A reader writes with some very common questions:

1. We're about 11 mos. away from the big day; I've looked at your timeline, but she reads TheKnot daily; not sure she's getting the point that not everything needs to be done NOW. We already have the venue, church and some of the services locked... can I just enjoy my summer?

She doesn't read TheKnot daily. She reads it hourly. When the lead story is "150+ Hot Hair Styles"--literally--it takes some time to chew through all of that essential wisdom. (Random aside: the first page of their hot hair styles is almost laugh-out-loud funny: check out how each style is wildly different and unique.)

Anyway. You're absolutely right. When people first glance at The Plunge, sometimes they get the wrong impression and think that we recommend avoiding everything, procrastinating, and letting your bride do all the work, playing Fredo to her Michael. Not at all. We recommend doing the big things as soon as you can. The venue, the date, the key services. Those are the key constraints. Once you have those locked down, you can fill in the rest later.

Enjoy your summer...with the exception of the guest list. This will be an ongoing discussion that will crop up from time to time like a dormant virus. (Yes, for those keeping score, we've now compared the guest list to both a virus and the global supply of crude oil.)

Next question?

2. I produce live concerts and sporting events professionally; it is exhausting to hear her family tell us [me] about timeline, vendors, costs - when I know I can do all these things better, cheaper, and faster.

...Your list of my duties was very helpful... but hearing her family discuss why we need to pick a dj 1 year in advance and why a local florist is better than hiring one of my designers to source flowers in LA [for 1/10th the price] is EXCRUCIATING... help? Should I just not care?

Careful. Your competence, paradoxically, might bite you in the ass. For better or worse, bridal families often assume that because you're a groom--and because grooms, of course, are drooling, lazy, bums--that you're unfamiliar with foreign concepts like "vendors" and "invoices" and "spreadsheets." That's not fair to you. But it is what it is, and remember...no one likes a know it all. So you're pinched between these two positions: 1) you want to show them that you actually have relevant industry experience and can probably plan the damn thing better than they can; and 2) you don't want to come off as a dick.

In the long run, guess which one is more important? If you try and win every battle you're likely to lose the war. Err on the side of being easy to work with, even if it means doing some things in a moronic fashion.  And when you do choose to push back, shower their idea with compliments and then suggest an alternative, sticking only to the facts.  Example: "That's a good thought, Katherine. I really like your idea of giving the cake vendor $5,000 in cash, upfront, even though they're based in Munich. Who doesn't love German cake!?! I wonder, though, if maybe this $500 option--in our neighborhood--might let us save a little money?"

Next?

3. She has a little brother - he'll be 21 when we wed - does he need to be at the bachelor party if he's in the wedding party? Is it common to do more than one bachelor event to spread the risk and split the crowd?

Yeah this one sucks. Your bachelor party should be a celebration with your very best friends, not a dude who might, for all you know, serve as bridal-espionage. And even if your bride and her brother are super-super-super cool and would never, ever think of "spying" on  you....still....that's in the back of your mind, which can sort of put a damper on the mood.  Even if you're not going to strip clubs, having your bride's family in attendance will handcuff the camaraderie.

Don't invite him.

You'll actually be doing the both of you a favor. Frankly, he probably doesn't want to attend anymore than  you want him in attendance--you're not the same age, he doesn't know your buddies, he doesn't want to see his future brother-in-law acting sloppy drunk, etc. If you can avoid it, don't even bring it up. If you're still squeamish?  Your official stance can be that you're not even really having a "bachelor party," per se, but that a few of your friends are taking you out for a good time. 

When you think about it, even the idea of "eloping" is such a damn hassle. You have to drive your car to the courthouse, find parking, kill the engine, lock the car doors, walk inside the building, and then, after you get married, you have to unlock the doors and restart your car.

Who has time for all that?

Happily, there's a better way. A faster way.  In a lightning bolt of inspiration, a Tampa Bay businesswoman has created (what might be) the world's first "drive-through wedding chapel."

Brilliant. Why spend more time on your wedding than you would ordering a Big Mac and strawberry milkshake?

According to the St. Peterberg Times, the mastermind behind this revolution is Rev. Sharon Burnett, who converted an old dry-cleaning building into a "metaphysical store" called, ah,  "Mother Earth Goddess."

From the St. Petersberg Times:

Unsure what to do with the sliding glass doors where customers used to pick up their pressed and cleaned garments, Burnett, a notary public and minister, decided to officiate behind-the-wheel nuptials. Couples with a marriage license, a witness over the age of 18 and $20 can exchange vows without turning off the engine.

"It's no different than standing at the courthouse," said Burnett, 58.

Appointments aren't necessary.

Beautiful. Appointments aren't even necessary. Last time I checked, even my frickin' dentist requires an appointment. 

For a little perspective on the madness of wedding planning, today we look overseas to London, where The Times reports on something The Plunge sees eye to eye on: the risk of post-wedding depression.

We know, we know, that sounds like a joke. Post-wedding depression? C'mon. Depression should be reserved for something like break-ups, unemployment, or drafting Larry Johnson in the first round of your fantasy football team.

Yet the whole Bridezilla routine can have a dark underbelly: the more all-consuming the wedding, the harder the post-wedding crash.  And a recent  study suggests that 1 in 10 couples go through this funk.

From The Times:

"I am not sure if it's the pressure they put themselves under to achieve the perfect day," says Andrew, a wedding planner who works in West London, "or if it is the comedown after such an enormous event that has been the focus of their lives for so long. Either way, when they wake up the next day, they find that normal life is a little boring."

Talk to brides, as I did while researching Wedding Babylon, a look behind the scenes of the happiest day of your life, and the symptoms are obvious. They all spoke of feeling flat after the wedding, of being in tears on the honeymoon and the dreadful empty feeling of anti-climax?" Compound this with the fact that the average couple spends between £20,000 and £24,000 (the equivalent of the annual national wage) on the wedding and that 20 per cent of couples start married life in debt, it is no wonder that new brides are so miserable.

So what does this mean for you? At least five things:

1.    To minimize debt, you can get involved with some of the big decisions like the guest list and venue. (More on picking your battles here.)
2.    You can help plan a killer honeymoon to provide a "soft landing" after the wedding.
3.    Don't be a groomzilla that frickin' adds to the stress. Your goal is to be a calming, helpful influence that's supportive and relaxed and helps keep perspective.
4.    Know that if you do have a post-wedding slump you're not alone and it's probably temporary.
5.    The United States is not the only effed up country when it comes to obnoxious weddings. Just like all pornography, wedding-porn is international.

Original article at The Times.  And The Plunge's full thoughts on post-wedding depression here.

A reader asks:

"I'm getting married next year and we're in the beginning steps of marriage planning.  Well, she is rather.  She has the church and the reception hall, and now my parents are asking me about what all they need to do, and what is expected, for the rehearsal.  I was able to tell them that it shouldn't be bigger than the reception, and that I needed to give a speech and give my men gifts.  Aside from this, I had no advice for them.  Is there more?" 

Your instincts are in the right ballpark: the rehearsal dinner is a much, much more relaxed affair than the wedding. It should never outshine the big day. And here's the great part--within reason, it can sort of be whatever the hell your parents want.  

Let's say you have some ornate wedding with ice sculptures and crap; in that case, a good ‘ol fashion barbecue is a plausible contrast. Or they could go the other direction, and do something ornate-but-not-quite-as-ornate to fit in the theme. See how that works? You can spin it either way:  1) fitting in a theme; or 2) providing an appealing contrast.  Either should satisfy the Manners Police.

So. It can be as freeform as you'd like. Three other major responsibilities, two direct and one indirect:

1)  (Direct) Pay for it.
2)  (Direct) Manage the guest list
3)  (Indirect) Avoid conflict with the bride

The first is simple (and painful) enough: payment. Obviously this isn't set in stone. More and more modern couples are carving up the wedding expenses in a million different slices. (More on that in this article here.)  Traditionally, though, your parents would foot the bill.

The guest list--you and your fiancée will need to help them with this. How the hell is your mom going to know which of your friends to invite? The key, as with most of wedding planning, is to solicit input early from the key parties (the bride and the bride's family). You don't want any 11th hour surprises.

The third responsibility is the most important--staying out of the bride's warpath. From the tone of your email, it sounds like your parents aren't too hardcore, demanding, or particular. This is good. Be fortunate you don't have parents that have a very, very, veeerrrry precise idea of exactly how they want their rehearsal dinner. Have them go with the flow, ask you and the bride what type of event you want (formal or casual?) and not overcomplicate things.

Other minor responsibilities, of course, are to thank the guests at the dinner itself, give you both a toast, and avoid some type of Meet-the-Fockers showdown with your in-laws.

A reader writes in:

"I live the Straight Edge lifestyle, which means no drinking, no drugs and no smoking. My family, specifically my 2 brothers, on the other hand, do. My fiancée says that there will be no drinking / booze at our reception. I'd be okay with that, but I know they wouldn't be."

The "Big Three" of Ask the Expert submissions: booze, groomsmen, and strippers. (Or some combination therein.) We get some variation of this question quite a bit, actually. Alcohol's tricky. For grooms and brides who don't drink, the wedding is a violent collision of lifestyles: your own sobriety vs. your guests' expected revelry.  What to do?

First, remember that a little booze never hurt anyone. (Except for liver poisoning, drunk driving deaths, ill-advised hook-ups, depression, sloppy sex, emotional numbness, temporary impotence, poor performance at work, crushing hangovers, and decades of depression caused from the bottle. Other than all that shit, a little booze never hurt anyone.)

Okay, more seriously, follow these three guidelines:

1) It's your party.

Technically "your party" refers to your bride and your family--with you a distant third--but the point is the same. It's your show. If you decree that the day should be dry, then that's within your rights and by God, the day will be dry. A good guest will respect your lifestyle and your wishes. That said, there's a second issue that trumps this...

2) It's your party. So you're the host.

Part of being a host means doing crap that you don't really care about. Let's say you have guests over for the weekend. Even if you don't drink coffee, you'd probably have some packs of instant coffee for them in the morning, right?  Even if you personally skip breakfast, you'd probably at least offer the bastards some cereal. It's just good etiquette.

A better example. Let's say you invite a bunch of friends to your home for a dinner party, but you're on a diet so the only thing you're eating is Slim-Fast. When your buddies get there you just toss them Vanilla and Chocolate bottles, cheerfully saying, "Eat up, Fellas!"  Maybe Slim-Fast is great for you. You're losing weight, you look good, you've lowered your cholesterol level. Excellent stuff. But if you're throwing a dinner party, your guests are expecting solid food.

Don't have a wedding that serves the social-equivalent of Slim-Fast.

Except...  You should also do the following:

3) Know your guests.

The trick is to know what your guests are expecting and not disappoint.  If the bulk of your guests also live the Straight Edge lifestyle, then maybe you're okay with keeping the party dry. Back to the dinner metaphor, this would be the equivalent of all your dinner-guests also on a Slim-Fast diet, so they're comfortable with the meal.   

From your note, though, it sounds like that's not the case. If your brothers, family, and other friends all drink...throw ‘em a bone and serve some alcohol.

(Note: There's one issue that transcends all of this, of course. If your fiancée has some hard-core reason why she doesn't want booze-something personal that you didn't tell us-well that's a whole other story. The above three points should guide your thinking, but they shouldn't guide you into a holy war against your bride. Ultimately she will win.)

Good luck.

 

File under: shameless self-congratulations.

Are we a force for good or evil? Time will tell.

We were happy to see, however, some concrete proof that grooms can actually benefit from reading the site. (Who knew?)

File under: "Stuff we wish we thought of saying ourselves." 

Over in the Plunge Forums, user "corkdork" (his choice, not ours) chimed in with some helpful rules of thumb for people serving outside booze.

The upside is obvious: you can (usually) negotiate a better deal, you have greater flexibility, and you can more easily personalize the beer and wine label. (Note: by "personalize the beer and wine label," we don't mean actually putting your name on pink and flowery labels-vomit, right?--we mean you can choose the precise brands of beer and wine you like.) If your venue lets you do it, think about doing it. 

 A reader writes: 

"We are planning a destination wedding, but she thinks that her friends and family will be "put-off" by asking them to drive 3 hours away and pay for a hotel.  If we do it locally my family will all still pay for hotels and what not.  She's up for the destination aspect because it significantly cuts the cost because her guest list becomes much smaller.  How do I make her see the light?"

Good. You already have the right mindset about destination weddings. (In case you haven't seen it, check out our full thoughts on destination weddings here. As you can see, we're fans.)

As for getting her to see the light? One word: perspective.

People in the know tell us that it's "wedding season,"--please, don't ever say that phrase with a straight face--so, we suppose, we should tell you about some stuff the groom needs to do in the weeks before the big day.

Today's lesson? Transportation.

About a month before the wedding, you'll probably be asked to help with the transport-logistics. This isn't hard. And we're sort of sheepish that we're discussing it. That said, apparently, a lot of guys don't realize that you do have a few different options, so let's quickly break ‘em down: 

Horse-drawn carriage

We're big believers in one central idea: "If you have a problem, let others try and solve it." So we introduced The Plunge Forums, trusting the wisdom of crowds, the power of shared knowledge, and the efficiency of the open market. After all, if the last couple of years have shown us anything, it's that an unregulated, open market can never go wrong.

But then we launched the site...and guys seemed completely uninterested in using the forums. And you know what? We couldn't blame them.

I mean...how do you tell your buddy with a straight face, "Hey man. Toss me a beer? Thanks. Sorry I'm late. I was busy online, posting a comment in my wedding forums."

Jesus. I feel dirty just typing the words "wedding forums." Damnit. Okay that's the last time those two words will ever, ever be used on this site. Promise.  [Taking a cold shower.]

When it comes to raw practicality, it's obvious that paper wedding invitations make about as much sense as, say, journeying to your wedding on horseback, using the telegraph, or waiting until marriage to lose your virginity. It's anachronistic.

We have better tools. More modern tools. Think about it--when's the last time you actually used the postal service to get together with your buddies? It's easier (and cheaper) to use e-mail, texts, Facebook, Evite, etc.

As you are painfully aware, however, you are not simply getting together with your buddies. Common sense has been hijacked by a junkie's need preference for etiquette, decorum, and old-fashioned invitations. The gods of wedding manners have decreed that you can't simply e-invite people; it's Just. Not. Done.

You probably shouldn't even suggest digital-invitations to your bride. It's not a battle you can win.

Typically, an interview with a "wedding-planner-to-the-stars" will make us reach for our favorite brand of gift-registry-salad fork...and pluck out our eyeballs, Oedipus-style.

Happily, instead of a ho-hum interview about stationary or wedding gowns, it's conducted by our friends at Esquire, canvassing ground such a: 1) Whether it's okay to flirt with the cute caterer (assuming, ideally, you're not the groom); 2) The ethics and decorum of drinking beer out of the bottle; 3) The best man's responsibility vis-a-vis lapdances (which we cover extensively here); and so on.

Additionally, we're happy to see them pick up a trend that's irritated us for some time: the absurdity of splattering JUST MARRIED!!! all over the "getaway car." Yes, perhaps this still happens in Kate Hudson-ish movies, but that bears little resemblance to real life. We've left the era of tying beer cans to bumpers.

On that note, from Esquire:

Is it still appropriate to scrawl "Just Married" on the getaway car? Seems a bit tacky.

It's a simple media equation. Recession + Wedding Season = 20,000 articles about how to save money at your wedding. (Are we guilty of this cliché? Absolutely.)

Today's Wall Street Journal, however, finds a curious new angle: brides who resell their gowns after the wedding.

Is this logical? Money-smart? Yes and yes. But go ahead and try suggesting this to your fiancée . We dare you. And then we'll profile you in our new sister site, TheCoffin.com.

In fact, this trend inspired us to write the Top 10 Worst Money-Saving Ideas you can possibly suggest to your bride: