The average American wedding now costs a little over $33,000. That’s a lot for most people, but not for those among us who poop in gold-plated toilets. To the .01%, $33,000 is a laughable pittance, the kind of chump change we don’t even bother to pick up when it drops out of our $18,000 Hermes wallet and onto our white Italian Carrarra marble floor. If you want to be a true baller, you’re going to need to step up your wedding expenditure game, to the point where it bankrupts you. Here are the most common wedding expenses, and suggestions for how to wildly overspend on them.
It’s All About Location
The average working stiff spends a mere $14,000 on his wedding venue. Frankly, we find such stinginess offensive. Cheapskates Kim and Kanye dropped only a half million to rent a 16th-Century Fortress. Child’s play. If you’re going to be that miserly, Kanye, you might as well get married in an Arby’s.
If you’d like to figure out how to be a bit more generous in this area, consider a venue that has never hosted a wedding before. Even better: a place where weddings are forbidden. Like an old growth forest, aboard the ISS, in the Oval Office. Everywhere has a price.
Oh, and if you’re planning an outdoor wedding in France, for about $100,000 you can hire a company that promises to guarantee you won’t get rained out. They offer a “cloud bursting” service they claim “can 100% guarantee blue skies.” Weather is for suckers.
Say “Cheese Made of Diamonds”
While a typical photographer will shoot your wedding for as little as $2,500 (which is basically for free in today’s dollars), you can elevate the elegance by hiring a world famous artist to create a custom-made depiction of your ceremony. We hear Damien Hirst is OK. Approximate cost of getting an art world A-lister to paint you and your wedding guests in real time, with paint made of diamonds: $500 million.
Because Sometimes A Rose Is Not Just A Rose
Surprisingly, most cheapskates only dish out about two grand for flowers, which is silly. Flowers can live up to three days. Are you really suggesting that a bunch of rapidly dying plants are only worth a few thousand dollars? We’re pretty confident no one is going to look back on your wedding and say, “They really had too many flowers.” If you want to do things properly, line the tables with dozens of Kadupul Flowers. They are found only in Sri Lanka and are unbelievably rare. Also, they only bloom at night and survive for a few hours, meaning even catching a glimpse of one is next to impossible. And nobody has ever sold one, so technically, they’re priceless. Which is why, sadly, you’ll probably have to settle for a couple dozen Shenzhen Nongke orchids. Approximate price: $5 million.
Yes, You So Too Can Get Some Satisfaction
Sure, you could hire a wedding band or DJ for a couple thousand dollars, but these days even a minor league billionaire gets Justin Bieber and Aerosmith to play the cocktail reception. One wedding we know of featured the Black Eyed Peas, David Guetta and Andrea Bocelli for a combined cost of $3 million. To which we say: if you’re going to skimp on the music, just put a Spotify list together. If you really want to do things right, be like the Russian Richie Rich named Said Gutseriev: his wedding included performances by J. Lo, Enrique Iglesias and Sting. (The whole thing cost about $1 billion dollars, which even we think is a little excessive.) Being that there aren’t many Beatles left (only Paul, for all intents and purposes), and both Bowie and Prince are gone, your best shot for a record breaking wedding band is probably someone like the Rolling Stones or U2. We hear Mick Jagger is still quite good. Ballpark guestimate: $10 million.
A Girl’s Best Friend
One average, the downstairs classes tend to spend a paltry $5,000 on an engagement ring. But being that you were born with a platinum spoon in your mouth, and that spoon was loaded with tax deferred bonds and gold dust, you should probably think more on the scale that Richard Burton did, when he married Elizabeth Taylor. He gave her enough diamond jewelry to fill a treasure chest, including a 33 carat ring, which sold for $8.8 million in 2011. Also: he got to marry her twice.