Groom Duties

“Our sex life died. How do I get it back? FAST!”

“Our sex life died. How do I get it back? Fast!”

After the proposal, the sex died down. Why is this, and what can I do to bring it back? FAST!

If that question had a silver-bullet answer, then we’d shut down this site, collect our billions, and spend 16+ hours a day shattering bedposts.

Alas. And you haven’t really given us a whole lot of context, so we can only suggest possibilities of what’s causing your dry spell. Good luck.

1. She’s less than thrilled with your obsession of FAST!

Very, very, very rarely in human history has a woman said, “You know, I wish we had less foreplay.”

Your move: Slow things down. Carve out time from your schedules to take her on a proper date-you remember those-and reintroduce the tenderness, slowness, and teasing of your first time together… assuming your first time wasn’t getting pissed-drunk at the airport’s janitor closet, a la Nate and Brenda in Six Feet Under.

2. She’s stressed with wedding junk

The simplest possibility. Also the most harmless. On top of her normal job, she’s swamped with vendors and budgets and panicked phone calls from her mother. This is not sexy.

Your move: Let her know how much you appreciate her planning. Surprise her with a non-obligatory gift….and not just flowers, but something personalized and quirky that will make her laugh. And this leads into the next one…

3. She’s resentful that you’re not being more helpful

And maybe she has good reason. True, in almost every article, we joke about how a groom should blow off the wedding planning and only do the bare minimum. We hope you know we’re joking. Man up.

Your move: Offer to help. And not just in a passive aggressive way, like saying while watching football, “Need some help with that hon? No? Good.” Don’t just offer to help. Help.

4. You have a Super Bowl hangover

We see it every few years: the Super Bowl winners get fat, get lazy, and forget what made them champions. Some grooms fall into this rut. They’ve got the wife locked down, so now they can just relax, get fat, get lazy. As every relationship writer is contractually obligated to say, “relationships are work.” Romance is work. It’s possible that you’ve been inattentive, and this is her response.

Your move: We can’t reinforce that first point enough-more foreplay, more foreplay, more foreplay. But remember: this isn’t just about sex. Act as if you’re still in courtship phase. Flirt. Go to restaurants she likes. (Invite her along.)

Buckle up. Now we’re getting to the tougher stuff…

5. She’s anxious about the future

Money. Your new life together. Possible conflicts with in-laws. Gender stereotypes are often garbage: you’re not the only one who has these anxieties. Women get cold feet. On a more subconscious level, she could have doubts.

Your move: Talk to her. Don’t be afraid to go there. Let her know that you’re also nervous-who wouldn’t be?-and you’d like to talk these issues through, communicate more, that kinda shit.

6. This is her normal sex drive

During the first stretch of dating, perhaps, she revved her engine to an unnatural, uncomfortable throttle to keep pace. Now? This is what she needs. This is who she is.

Your move: Again, talk to her. Compromise. Depending on how that goes, there’s a good chance you might need…wait for it… “couple’s counseling.”  Negotiate: perhaps you’ll have sex a little less often than you’d like, a little more often than she’d like. (We know. AWESOME.) And also, frankly, this could be a larger, more substantive problem. When you marry someone, you need to check for a wide range of compatibilities. Sex is on that checklist. At the risk of freaking you out, you need to make sure that she’s the one.

7. She doesn’t really want to marry you

Hey, we promised we wouldn’t pull punches. Are we betting on this? Of course not. We don’t want to scare you. And this is truly Defcon5. It’s plausible, however, that the body speaks louder than words, and that maybe she wants to yank out.

Your move: as in the above, talk to her. And now it’s definitely time for couple’s counseling. Yes, that sounds wretched and humiliating, but hell, you love this girl, right? Do what you must.

8. She’s from the future

This is what happens to (almost) all marriages, eventually. Welcome to 2037.

Your move: Borrow Biff’s copy of “Grey’s Sports Almanac” and make millions.

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