The wedding cake may be the single most delicious reason people have to throw a wedding. It’s the only event in an adult’s life where it’s socially acceptable to order a dessert larger than your whole body. A wedding is also one of the few events where everyone involved is expected to eat more than their fair share.
The wedding cake tradition goes back to the days of ancient Rome when, according to the historians at the Smithsonian Institute, the groom “smashed a barley cake over the bride’s head.” The tradition still continues today between the bride and groom but with vary degrees of messiness. The couple usually slices their first piece of cake together and feeds each other a piece or the entire slice depending on how little they care for their personal safety and/or makeup.
There’s more than one way to serve your bride her cake for the crowd and the cameras at the reception. If you’re know her well enough to marry her, then you’ll know the right technique to use when they bring out the cake.
Option 1: “Here Comes the Plane”
If your bride is the kind of person who doesn’t enjoy a good ol’ fashioned food fight, then this is the only technique you should use during the cake cutting ceremony.
You probably don’t remember, but this is what your mom did with you when you were a toddler. The forkful of cake is the plane, moving towards your bride’s mouth, which is the runway and hanger all in one. Make sure she can see this combination of cooked batter and frosting moving towards her face, and make sure not even a hint of it touches her enormously expensive wedding dress.
Option 2: “Mr. Hands-On”
If your girl is more adventurous and doesn’t mind it when things get a little messy, you can put down the fork and get your hands dirty for a cake feeding ceremony you’ll always remember. Just make sure your hands are clean.
Pick up a slice of cake, using the icing as a sort of structural glue to create an edible piece big enough for the cameras. Then feed it gingerly to your bride, as if she were a lovely woodland animal you have coaxed out of the wild with your humble offering. This will make for a sweet picture, even if your jacket gets frosting on it.
Option 3: “The Catapult”
So you say you’re a couple who likes to take chances and have extra fun. Since they wouldn’t let you hire your favorite speed metal band to play at the reception, this cake eating technique may be the next best thing.
Instead of delivering the cake directly to your bride’s mouth with your hand or a fork, you launch it at her like a flaming boulder being launched from a medieval catapult at the enemy’s stronghold. It sounds simple, but it still requires practice. Your manly instincts may tell you not to throw the cake like a girl, but you don’t want to Nolan Ryan her cake across home plate either. Obviously, you need to work this one out with her beforehand, and try it at home a few times first. You don’t want her first inkling of this plan to be the cake missle hurtling towards her face. Also, be sure to clue in your photographer and/or videographer, so they don’t miss the shot.
Option 4: “The Face Plant”
Every Three Stooges fan knows this ins and outs of this classic technique better than they know the names of their children. It’s not used very often in wedding reception but when it is and it’s done properly, it’s like watching the formation of a double rainbow mixed with a dose of minor schadenfreude.
This technique is as simple as it sounds–you plant the cake plainly in the middle of your bride’s face–but it’s not really one that you can plan. We at the Plunge are not fans of this technique, but if you’re going to do it, make sure you wait until she’s stuffed a slice directly in your smiling puss first. Chivalry is not dead.
Option 5: “The Baby Bird”
You chew a piece of cake, then spit it into her open mouth. The only virtue of this move is that it’s memorable, albeit in a gross unnatural way. Also, you kissed her earlier, during the ceremony, so you’ve probably already shared your germs with her. But that’s about all the good things we can think to say about this one. Let us never mention it again.
— Danny Gallagher