Now that you’re engaged, you’re probably thinking: “The best thing about being done with dating is now I can finally just be myself and let it all hang out. Poop with the door open. Stop shaving. Fart nonstop.”
That’s wrong on so many levels, we don’t know where to start. But, for now, remember this:
You’re going to be a groom, so you need to start grooming.
The trick is creating a simple regimen and establishing a baseline. Most of your time leading up to the wedding should be spent on maintenance, not bushwacking your way through untamed acres of body hair. Here’s some things to keep in mind:
You Need A Barber
You need a barber and you should be on a first name basis with him. That means getting your haircut on a consistent basis. Set up a regular appointment and stick to it, whether you need it or not. Getting a haircut is like cleaning your bathroom. You don’t want to wait until people cringe at the sight of it.
A Word About Product
When it comes to product we have a simple rule of thumb: don’t use anything your grandfather didn’t use. The years have produced a profusion of men’s hair products and far too many kinds of gel to ever consider. But most of them are terrible. Use Brylcreem or some Vitalis. Men’s hair products have not gotten better since WW1.
Cologne Is For Idiots
The only thing worse than wearing too much cologne is wearing too much cologne plus a large class ring and having your cell phone in a holder mounted on your belt and your shirt tucked in. You don’t need cologne. If you want to smell like citrus, be a man and run naked through a field of grapefruits every morning.
You Have A Dirty Mouth
Not only is a bright smile important on your wedding day and every day, but proper oral hygiene is essential to your health. Begin by flossing, then brush with an electric toothbrush. You will be shocked at how long two minutes is. Rinse with mouthwash for another two minutes.
Your Nether Bits
Here’s some old school sexism: most men want women to keep their secret gardens well trimmed, but have no problem when our own crotches look like Jerry Garcia eating a hot dog. Not ok.
Your bathing suit area should be like a Canadian lawn: tidy and reasonable. Also, please don’t use the same trimming tool for your face that you’re using for your other place. That’s an infamia. (You could, of course, get around all this by going full porn star and getting your junk waxed. But we advise you to rewatch this scene from The 40 Year-Old Virgin first.)
Don’t Wait, Exfoliate
Yes we know, it’s very girly. But there’s a reason your fiancée’s skin is so pleasant to touch. Women long ago figured out that our surfaces need to be scraped clean at least once a day. Most men don’t bother—which is kind of like driving a car with a filthy windshield because you think you’re too macho to use a squeegee.
Don’t Be A Beardo
While it’s easy to make fun of Brooklyn-based hipsters who spend hours waxing their mustaches into points, take a page from their book when it comes to your wedding day. Don’t spend all that money on a tux and ruin the effect with a scraggly bird’s nest on your face. Pay a professional to turn your facial hair into something that looks as put together as the rest of you.
Your Feet Must Look Sweet
Most men ignore their feet until their toenails resemble something from a horror film. If others involuntarily gasp when you take your socks off, it’s a sign you need to take action. Swallow your pride and go get a pedicure. Sure, you may feel like the pedicurists are making snide comments in Korean or Spanish, but you can live with a little foreign language abuse. Remember, you are asking them to get face-to-face with your disgusting donkey feet. Tip big, too.
Let’s Talk About Your Nose
It’s one thing to have a hairy back or chest or arms. But the hair coming out of your nose? Unacceptable. There is literally no woman on earth who is OK with nose hairs, and no man should be either.
Even worse than hairs coming out of your nostrils are the ones growing on the top of your nose. Do something about that. The same goes for you ears, and knuckles. Lastly, make sure you don’t have crazy old man eyebrows. That look is cool if you’re an eccentric genius, but c’mon: you’re no Einstein.