Groom Duties

Why Sometimes a Groom Needs to be an A-Hole

Sometimes you just need to Get. Things. Done.  This is true at your office, this is true at your home, and this is true in your engagement.

Writer Chris Illuminati suggests a slightly different, less-PC method of getting things done. His theory? Sometimes you have to be an asshole. It’s outlined in his new book Assholeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way – and Getting Away With It.

See also: The 5 Biggest Mistakes Grooms Make

For the record, there’s only one problem with this premise. After talking with Chris, i realized he doesn’t sound at all like an asshole. He sounds like a pretty decent guy. In the book, however, he draws a crucial distinction between “Assholes” and “Douchebags.” Sometimes, to get things done, you have to be the former. You should never be the latter. (For example, he credits Bill Gates for being an asshole. And labels Spencer Pratt as a douchebag.)

So we asked Chris how grooms could embrace this theory during their engagement. He gave us 5 ideas.

Chris, let’s start with co-workers. Sometimes they’re a pain in the ass. Maybe they’re kinda your friends, but you don’t really want to invite them. What does your theory suggest?

Don’t discuss your wedding in the office. If anyone asks how things are coming, then short, to the point answers will suffice, like “it’s fine” or “going well.” Also, clearly state to those co-workers invited not to discuss it in the office.  Flatly say, “I didn’t invite everyone, so don’t discuss it in office or ask anyone if they are coming.” If you say this, and they still do either, they will look like the dick for mentioning it, not you.

(The Plunge agrees 100%. And for more info on this, see Co-Workers: In or Out?)

How about dealing with pushy vendors?

Always remember this: someone will give you a better price. If they haven’t, make it up. If the DJ charges 2K, tell him you’ve got a buddy with an iPod that will charge $500 bucks. He can either come down on price or walk. If he does walk, there are a hundred other DJs out there. And you actually probably do have a buddy with an iPod and tons of shitty songs.

Sometimes your good friends -even your best friends- can be a pain in the ass, especially when drunk. What does the A-hole do?

Call them out on it the moment there is trouble. Say “Dude, stop being a dick and ruining my wedding.” Most guys will get the hint. Chances are they will be on their best behavior because either their girlfriend is also there, or they don’t want to blow it with bridesmaids/single chicks.

How about with your parents? Like, let’s say there’s tension between your parents and your bride… does the A-hole need to stand up to mom and dad in order to protect his woman?

This is rough if they are paying. If they are footing the bill you might just have to suck it up. If they aren’t, this statement wins every time: “This is our wedding not yours.” If there is an issue, resolve it quickly, because then it never gets dropped. Also remember, it’s all over after the wedding. This is just temporary.

This one’s only for the daring. How about the prenup?

Ballsy move but important if you make a ton of dough and she doesn’t. Set it out from the beginning. You want assurance your stuff stays yours and vice versa. List all your friends that got screwed in the past.

(More on the Pre-nup here.)

Anything else you want to add?

Most important is to remain the decision maker. Nothing gets approved without your consent. Also, you’ll have to bite the bullet and go to bridal shows and to meet with vendors if you want to remain in control.

It’s a funny book. You can learn more about it and purchase it here. And Chris’ official site (as opposed to his unofficial site) is chock full of goodness:

And for more groom psychology? A lot of this boils down to picking your battles. On when to Wake Up, and when to Hit Snooze. More on that here.

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