Groom Duties

Nicole Kidman is “The Wedding Doctor.” Here are Better Ideas.

I’m convinced that Hollywood is a game of Madlibs.

Studios create titles with a fill-in-the-blank methodology that produces gems like the just-announced “The Wedding Doctor,” starring Nicole Kidman.  You can probably guess the premise and visualize the entire film, right

From New York’s Vulture: “Kidman would play a relationship analyst who advises couples on their interpersonal dynamics before they marry. But after she meets her latest clients, the doc decides she’d actually be a better match for the groom-to-be, triggering a showdown with his fiancée.”

Really? Do we really need that movie?

As our faithful readers know, whenever we smell the odor of another wedding movie premise, our coping mechanism–our therapy–is to suggest some equally dumb ideas.

This time we’ll stick with the Madlibs premise. Here’s how you hatch a movie:

First Word:         The
Second Word:   [Event]
Third Word:        [Profession]

It’s a fun game, you can play at home!

We’ll start with some events:

Birthday
Easter
Vasectomy
Graduation
Divorce
Church
Christmas
Bridal Shower
Flight
Concert
Super Bowl

Now, some professions:

Mailman
Attorney
Jockey
Maid
Singer
Judge
Cop
Teacher
Dentist
Model

And then, you just mix and match! Boom. A few dumb movies that Hollywood would plausibly make:

The Divorce Cop

When married couples can’t settle a divorce in the courtroom, they call in Hugh Grant, the Divorce Cop. Free of messy legal rules, the Divorce Cop says who’s right, who’s wrong, and who gets the house… until he falls in love with his biggest client, proving that all’s fair in love and war.

The Birthday Teacher

Some kids just don’t know how to have fun. So the parents hire Adam Sandler, the Birthday Teacher. Sandler shows shy and awkward kids how to goof off, let loose, and break all the rules. But on his 40th Birthday, the Birthday Teacher gets a new surprise: he has a son of his own… and now the student teaches the teacher.

The Church Singer

In the performance of a lifetime, this is Mike Myers like you’ve never seen him before. Soulful, stirring, and melancholy, Myers is a church singer for hire, driving his pick-up across the Bible Belt whenever a congregation needs a new sound. Decades after giving up his faith and picking up the bottle, can the singer rediscover his one true voice?

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How To Write Traditional Wedding Vows
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How To Write Traditional Wedding Vows

You’re nervous, you’re stressed, and you’re about to get married. It’s time to take a deep breath and just play the hits when it comes to these things. I, blank, take you, blank to—you know the rest, right?