Bachelor Party: Groom Doesn’t Drink, but Wants Friends to Have Fun

“I don’t drink. But I want my friends to have fun at the bachelor party.

I am really glad I found your site. In this increasingly effeminate world, it’s great to see men who understand maleness and are willing to help their fellow man.

My situation is probably not uncommon. I’m an alcaholic, and I stopped drinking almost two years ago (the bachelor’s party is 9 or 10 months away, still). I’m pretty comfortable with it — I don’t fear a relapse, and I still go see bands in bars, and don’t feel tempted. (still I don’t go unless there’s a band b/c it’s just not as much fun hanging out in a loud room when you’re sober, gofigure.)

The Bachelor Party is all about 1. The Groom (me) and 2. Drinking (not me anymore) and I’m trying to strike a balance so that my friends don’t have to go to a lame party, so that they can have fun and misbehave and whatever, but without CONSTANTLY shoving shots in my face and getting those “oh, I’m not really sure how to toast you or what to buy (other than a shot) to be gregarious” moments.

To give you some kind of idea of who I am and who my friends are I’ll tell you this. I’m not a prude. I smoke reefer religiously. I haven’t traded my “drunk friends” for sober ones, either. I like them. They’re fun. I’m not terribly into sports (which is not to say that I’m unathletic) but might be convinced to try paintball. I love rollerderby. I play in a rock band, and have played in bands for a decade now. I don’t do church. Or Christ.

So are any of the above activities or anything else going to satisfy them? How can I make this fun for them, and no stress for me. I mean, it’s my party, and if I end up babysitting drunks, I’d rather stay home. I won’t force them to come to a lame party, either. HELP

Thanks for listening!”*

— Dried out in New London

Dried out in New London,

Thanks for your email. Congratulations, by the way, on both your engagement and your decision to give up the sauce. Both take guts.

And you’re right; your situation is not at all uncommon. More and more grooms-whether they drink or not-simply have less interest in strippers, debauchery, and drunken sloppiness. (Speaking of strippers: The Plunge poll has some surprising results, which we’ll be publishing soon.)

I’ll take the liberty of tweaking your above equation. The Bachelor Party is all about: 1) The Groom….and…………waaaaaaaaay down the list, in a distant, distant second …… wait, still a little lower……. 2) The Groom’s friends having fun. If this means drinking, great. If this means not drinking, great. Pushing unwanted Heinekin at a bachelor party is just as bad as, well, pushing unwanted Hallmark on Valentine’s Day.

So. We admire you for looking out for your boys, but don’t fret too much about making them happy. Not only do you come first, you come first by a big fat margin. Also, we’re assuming that your friends are actually, you know, your friends, and that they’ll be respectful of your sobriety and not be dicks about it.

As for the activity itself?

We recommend three things: 1) make it an actual activity, to give everyone something to do and alleviate the crutch of alcohol; 2) incorporate a substantial daytime component; 3) have a decadent dinner.

The activity should be something that you wouldn’t otherwise do on an average Saturday afternoon. Maybe something a little adventurous. Paintball works, but don’t force it if you’re just going through the motions. Think about stuff like white-water rafting (you don’t have to be athletic for that), skydiving, bungee jumping, renting ATVs, or any of the other 20 stripper-free bachelor party ideas we recommend. Also, remember. You shouldn’t be planning this alone. Hell, you shouldn’t be planning this at all. Depending on how close you are with your best man, tell him exactly what you just told us, and he should help you brainstorm and strategize.

The second criteria: daytime. Think about how some girls want the first date to be in the morning or afternoon so that there’s no chance of sex-embrace this principle. Don’t just kick things off at 8pm; round up the crew at noon and do something interesting. This subtly demotes how big a role alcohol plays in the party without drawing attention to it.

And the third: dinner. Your friends can enjoy some beer and you can enjoy some of the finest cuts of New London’s steak. You both have something to savor and enjoy. After dinner, since music is such a big part of your life, why not hit a live show? And you can throw in your other, ah, less-liquid vices.

Whatever you do, we’re reasonably confident you’ll have a hell of a time.

Hope this helps, and thanks again for reading.

-The Plunge