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The 10 Commandments Of Popping The Question

Careful. You can't screw this up. She’ll repeat this story again…and again…and again…for the next two years. So follow the 10 Commandments.

Cool Ways To Propose

You know the "Reset" button? When you're playing Grand Theft Auto and you get pistol-whipped, you can just hit Reset, start a few levels back, and then resume killing cabbies.

Most of your engagement has a Reset button. Not the proposal. You can't undo it. The stakes couldn't be higher. Assuming she accepts, she'll describe every detail--from the salad dressing to the roses to the way your voice quivered--again and again to everyone she has ever met. She'll blog it. Facebook it. Twitter it.

In some ways, the proposal is bigger than the wedding itself. No pressure, but your life hangs in the balance. Follow the 10 Commandments of Popping the Question:

1. You shouldn't be surprised...

Like a good lawyer, don't ask the question unless you know the answer. And if you don't know the answer, consider whether you've given your courtship enough time. (Hint: you haven't.)

2. ...but she should.

You must surprise her. That's the game. If you talked about getting married last week, then when you say, "Hey. Um. I was thinking...maybe we could go on a hot-air balloon ride together. My buddies were saying it's fun," there's a decent chance that she'll crack your code. Keep your cards close to your chest. Don't tell too many friends. Lie.

3. Only go public if it's a lock.

If there's any uncertainty, popping the question in front of 16,000 Yankees fans could either: 1) be the most humiliating moment of your life; or 2) force her to croak out a "yes" that she (and you) will later regret. In any event, think very, very hard before making a public proposal. Unless it's a Royals, Indians, or A's game, where the 134 fans won't care.

4. Personalize.

This helps you dodge clichés. As much as you might be tempted to go to www.800uniqueproposalideas.com, there is nothing unique about them. You already know everything you need for a memorable proposal. Think about her interests and then tailor your proposal accordingly. It shows that you actually know her, love her, get her. If she's a tree-hugging outdoors freak, then incorporate a hike, camping trip, or hide it in her bowl of granola. (Kidding on the granola, which brings us to...)

5. Guard the ring like it's Your Precious.

No brainer, right? But it's shocking how many guys hatch some bold, creative plan that ends up with the ring lost in garbage. Plan nothing that risks the rock. Don't bury it on a beach. I don't care how much she loves "The Claw," don't toss it in the machine and have her try and get it out. There's a fine line between creativity and stupidity. Don't go near that line.

6. Take a knee.

Corny? Maybe a little. But by taking a knee, you fulfill the vision that she's had since she was a very little non-ironic girl. Also, her girlfriends will specifically ask her whether you got down on a knee. Let her answer the right way.

7. Keep heavy eye contact.

It shows you mean it. It shows confidence. Lock onto her eyes and never glance away. Just like in poker, a nervous glance to the side is a "tell" that could lose you the hand. (To clarify: blinking won't cost you the "yes," but why take chances?)

8. Actually have a ring.

Remember Lumbergh from Office Space? I had a boss like him. Even though he made good money and could easily afford a ring, he didn't feel like waiting for the jeweler, so he popped the question sans diamond. His strategy? He printed out a picture of a generic wedding ring--in black and white, even--and scribbled "I.O.U." on the paper. Yeeeeaaaaaahh. Don't be Lombard. Bring the loot.

9. Practice.

We can almost hear Allen Iverson: "Practice? Practice?!? We talkin' about practice!?!?!" Yes. Practice. Rehearse your shtick in advance. Look in the mirror. Propose to your dog. Say it in the shower. It's embarrassing and you'll feel like a moron, but it'll give you more confidence in the big moment.

10. The setting trumps size.

Ambiance is key. It's better to have an outdoor, intimate, candlelit picnic than a lavish, $600 dinner at a "hot new restaurant" that blares hip-hop. It can be pricey or cheap, small or big, private or public, but the atmosphere must brim with romance. We're often wary of the "cheese factor" and shy away from roses and their ilk. But not here.

Guess what? In a marriage, if you're given 10 rules that really means you have (at least) 11. So here's one more:

11. Relax.

We know. This seems like a paradox. But as long as you've thought this through--planned things to a T, ensured she'll say yes, practiced in the shower--you'll be fine. For real. Don't worry about stuttering or sweating or flubbing the lines. Even if you stumble over your words and have pit-stains like Ted Striker from Airplane, don't worry, she'll find it endearing. That said, wear an undershirt.

After "Yes."

This is it. This is the one moment that belongs only to you and your future wife. Make it last. This is one of the most intimate memories that you will ever share with anyone, anytime, anywhere. This is the calm before the storm, the slice of tranquility before you make 200 calls to the family, friends, and vendors. It's the final truly quiet moment until your wedding. Savor it. Then follow our advice on how to announce the scary as hell blissful news.

One Note on Timing...

Timing matters. The month of your proposal could impact the length of engagement. If you want a long engagement, for example, propose in the spring--there's a good chance she can't whip together a summer event, so presto, you've bought yourself more than a year. Conversely, if you propose in the winter, you could go down by the first day of spring. For more thoughts on the length of your engagement, click here.

Need some actual concrete, specific proposal ideas? Get the full rundown here.

Obviously, this all assumes you actually have an engagement ring. Still looking? Check out The Plunge's ring buying guide.

Follow The Plunge on Twitter: http://twitter.com/ThePlunge_com

-Jeff Wilser

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Comments (10)

Personalize the Proposal!

As a female and wedding & marriage proposal planner I have seen the do's and don'ts of marriage proposals. I agree with the article that practicing the proposal "speech" is important. Many men try to practice these eloquent proposals but in reality the proposal only needs to be a few sentences. It is better to get out the important things and the exact question "Will You Marry Me?" then getting lost in the paragraph you practiced. I started helping men with marriage proposals after I saw many men spend thousands of dollars on an engagement ring yet spend little time planning the best marriage proposal possible for his future fiancee. Here are just a few more words of advice from a female and marriage proposal planner... always start by avoiding the two common blunders in marriage proposals; one, a man makes it all about his interests and likes or two, his lack of planning leads to a poor presentation. (resource: www.simplyuproposals.com) It may sound blunt but we have seen it happen over and over. The proposal doesn't need to be extravagant just personal. A helpful tip: Wait to purchase her engagement ring until after coming up with the proposal idea. Many men get so excited that they finally found the perfect ring (which is great!) they just pop the question wherever or whenever. It's a story couples tell over and over so it never hurts taking time to plan it out.

...

Thanks so much Heather. The Simply U proposals website was a good resource. Wish me luck with my proposal!
Tyler Hawkins, October 04, 2009
 

Backup Plan

Make sure you have a backup plan. My, now, fiance lives 10 hours away from me.. I planned on proposing at the beach, which is a place that she loves and we visit all the time, when she came to visit for a week. It rained the entire week, so we didn't get to the beach. I instead had to come up with an impromptu proposal location. I don't think it was as good as the beach, but she still loved it.
Joe W, October 13, 2009
 

Now that you know the rules, know if it's ok with her to break them.

I just got engaged a few months ago and am happily planning a wedding for April 2010. I have to say, I think that several of the rules listed above are absolutely ridiculous and would have been very annoyed had my fiance followed them. I think that the rules are great as general guidelines but, when it comes to it, I think that #1 and #4 are the most important. Part of personalizing is knowing whether she will like these rules or not. Take getting down on one knee. If my fiance had done that, I would have laughed in his face, and then probably cried and said that he didn't know me at all. I, personally, think that's cheesy and absurd. Fortunately, my fiance knew me better than to get down on his knee. He also knew me better than to have a ring. I know lots of women who have been asked without a ring. Why? Some girls like to pick them out. Others think that rings are just as old-fashioned and ridiculous as that one knee business. Mine asked without a ring, and then we went out together the next day to pick out a non-traditional, super-inexpensive one - which is exactly my style. Had he proposed to me with a 2-months-salary-priced ring, I probably would have still said yes, but would have demanded we return it and save the money for something else.

So, from the point of view of a recently engaged woman - yes, know the rules. And know her well enough to know when it's ok to break them.
HG, November 22, 2009
 

good guidlines

HG- Haha if my husband ever proposed to me like that i don't even know what i would think. Doesn't sound like he put much effort into that special moment and it just sounds like your justifying it by saying you don't care and that it was exactly like you wanted. Doesn't sound convincing at all.
AS, December 08, 2009
 

wow

Thats was awesome

Im in calgary alberta Im limited by winter everywhere.
Id like to be outside
were super energetic
and Christians
that do u think?
Jesserau, December 19, 2009
 

To wow:

How about ice skating? A cousin of mine proposed at a huge and nicely decorated rink sometime in the winter ad she loved it. They skated out, she turned to say something to him and he was down on a knee.
Strainedpeas, January 08, 2010
 

know your girl

I totally agree with HG. In fact, my husband didn't even propose (until one of our early anniversaries, when he took me to the most romantic place in town and presented me with a nice piece of jewelry). We were just sort of talking about 'when we are married" for the hundreth time and finally started talking about when to do it. And I absolutely wanted to help pick out the ring!

15 years later I still adore him and my ring. We have a good marriage.

If you know her well enough to marry her, you should know if she wants the grand gesture, or if she's more like me. I was nervous about the whole thing and after we got engaged, we didn't even tell anyone for more than a month! Yeah, we were gun shy, but here we are happy still and with 2 kids at 15 years.
jb, January 12, 2010
 

the surprise is important!

Even if you and your soon-to-be-fiancee have talked about marriage, there is still a way to surprise her with the proposal. If you've talked *a lot* about getting engaged, you might have to be a little creative in order to still have something about your proposal be a surprise, but it's worth it.

My fiance and I had talked about getting engaged for several months before he proposed. I knew what kind of ring he was going to pick out (because I had some very specific ideas of what I wanted), I knew that he was going to write a poem for me (he loves to write, and he's bad at keeping secrets from me, lol), and I even knew what month he was going to propose... or, at least, I *thought* I knew. We agreed to get engaged in November so that we'd be engaged before we flew to visit his family for Thanksgiving, so I wasn't expecting his proposal until November. Then he completely took me by surprise by proposing to me in the last weekend of October. I was so surprised that halfway through his proposal I still didn't believe he was actually proposing. And trust me - being surprised about the date made everything sooooo much better, especially since I knew some other details about my proposal. It was nice that I still got to be surprised. :)
Andrea, February 01, 2010
 

You really have NO clue how IMPORTANT this stuff is!!!

I'm slightly embarrassed to admit it, but my (ex)fiance failed on ALL of the ten tips above.

He asked me as a passing thought the first time and I had to tell him that it didn't count. Then he asked me after sex, without a ring, just another passing thought moment. Ugh! I love him so I said yes when he asked, but afterward I just couldn't stomach telling my friends, family, and future children about the very unthoughtful proposal. Even picking out the ring was a disaster. I have always wanted something other than a diamond, but when we got to the jewelry store he picked out a diamond ring because he could get a deal on it and we even had to put the ring on my credit!!!
Our relationship quickly fell apart after that.
I love him very much though, so we've worked through it and are back together. But he'll never get a second chance to redo my first proposal.

afraid2admit, April 15, 2010
 
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