The Plunge Blog

A reader writes:

"Me an my fiancé are getting married. My daughter, who is 15, wants to make a toast at the reception... I can't find any wedding toast [for kids].

"Do you have any suggestions for her to use? Because he is the only dad she has. He raised her and she calls him Dad.

"Please help."

Earlier today, the delivery guy dropped off a thick magazine full of wedding paraphernalia. We like these magazines. They're good for kindling, spitballs, and emergency toilet paper.

Before we used the magazine for something useful, though, we peeked inside it. And we were horrified to find some cheesy, outrageous accessories not just for the bride, but for the groom.

It dawned on us... Some men might actually buy this. 

Allow us to intervene.

A (female) reader writes:

"Okay.  So, I know this is a guy website, but the chick websites are being stubbornly unhelpful with this question.  And, though it feels awkward as heck to ask, I'm getting desperate.

My guy and I have been together for nearly five years, and we haven't.. well, we haven't had sex.  He's done it before, but he's been absolutely wonderful about respecting my desire to wait till we're married.  I want to show him on our wedding night (in a few months) how much I appreciate this.  I don't want to ask him, because I want it to be a surprise (the wonderfully stuffed chick websites keep telling me that the wedding night should involve rose petals and candles, along with scented massage oils, but I can't help thinking that that isn't the way my guy would want to end his half-decade celibacy)

Okay, so the title's a touch misleading. (Yes, he did sleep with the best friend, but no, at the time, he wasn't dating his fiancée.)

A reader writes:

"I met my fiancée in college. We were great friends but she was in a relationship for the first 2 years I knew her. She knew I was interested but she loved the guy at the time. Anyway (this was almost 4 years ago now) she set me up with her best friend just for a night of fun. We got drunk and had sex.

"Well, long story short, she (my fiancée) broke up with her boyfriend and we ended up together. Now, since we've been together that night 4 years ago with her best friend has always caused tension with her even though we frequently hang out with the friend and her current boyfriend.

From a clearly-delusional, female reader:

"Hey guys! I love your site!

"Sadly, I am on it much more often than the knot (but maybe I just suck at being a girl-- apparently I was supposed to have been dreaming of this day since I was born and I shouldn't have any qualms spending more money than some countries' GDP's on a lame four hours all about myself).

I wanted to point this article I just had emailed to me today out to you. Condescending, patronizing, and sexist much?

A reader writes:

"My fiancée told me she didn't care about strippers but didn't want them touching me. I took it to mean she'd just be annoyed because that's how I'd feel if she had male strippers rubbing up on her. I'd be annoyed. So I thought I was doing good when I was honest and told her i'd gotten a lap dance from the stripper my best man hired. Now she's not annoyed. She's devastated. She feels betrayed, thinks I'm somehow "unclean" and is just so hurt that I'd do such a thing.

I'm blown away. I thought it was par for the course. Accepted tradition. An annoyance for the bride at best. I've learned the hard way that this assumption was a huge mistake. AND now my good friends and best man (who is really a great guy) have lost all of her respect. She doesn't want them at the wedding! WTF!

I've gone from anger for her not communicating this possible outcome with me to a slobbery crying apologetic fool. It's really hard for me to relate to her. The stripper thing is so meaningless to me. But my fiancée can't relate to that. So how do I convince her that she can trust me? We're getting married in a week. I'm freaking out..."

_________

Clearly there's only one solution: you need to hire a male stripper, get her good and drunk, and have her girlfriends cajole her into getting a lap dance.  Even Steven, done and done.

Sadly, however, we're not in a lousy Ashton Kutcher comedy. So we'll deal with reality. Nothing can really be gained by finger-pointing, so let's start by pointing some fingers.

Where you're in the wrong: Sorry dude. When she says, "I don't want them touching you," there's almost no credible way you can interpret that as, "I don't love the idea of them touching you, and if it happens, I'll be annoyed, but no biggie!!!" She carved out the rules of engagement, and those rules were clearly NO TOUCHING. If you didn't like those rules (and who would?) the time to negotiate was before the bachelor party, not after. She laid down the law. You broke it.

Where she's in the wrong: Let's get some perspective. You didn't have sex with this stripper. You didn't kiss this stripper. Hell, you didn't even want a lap dance from this stripper, you merely went with the flow when your best man forked over some twenties. And, frankly, that's what happens in strip clubs at bachelor parties. Your sin is one of misunderstanding, not malice. From the tone of your email, it sounds like you really, really, really thought that basic run-o'-the-mill lap dances were on the table.  To use some Supreme Court Justice nomination jargon, your presumption is not "out of the mainstream."  Is she in the right?  From a technical sense, maybe a little. But she relinquished her moral high ground by overreacting.

So if you want to get all 4rd grade and bicker about who's right, who's wrong, that's where you start the arguments. But in the words of Mark McGuire, "We're not here to talk about the past, we're here to talk about the future."

You're getting married in a week. So focus on one thing: Damage Control.

Here's your 5-Step plan:

A reader writes:

"My fiance's parents want to wait 2 years for the wedding.  They are paying for it, and just threw their other daughter a wedding, so I understand that money is tight.  I am not in a position to contribute, but my parents have offered to help out. 

Both my fiance and I think 2 years is too long, but we don't know how to convince them otherwise.  We don't want a huge wedding (150 Max) and have stressed this to them, thinking this would cut down on costs.  It seems to me that they think everything has to be the same as my fiancée's sister, yet we don't feel that way. Is there anyway to try and convince them that this wedding can still be nice if done sooner?"

"Every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.

Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong."

- George Costanza

As with everything else in life, we can glean valuable lessons about wedding planning from Seinfeld. Remember what happened when George picked out the envelopes? They were so cheap, so pathetic, that Susan licked the adhesive...and died.

You can learn from Costanza. Remember that episode where he did "The Opposite" of his instincts, reasoning that if every instinct is wrong, the opposite must be right? This is your move. We think it's unlikely that you will accidentally murder your fiancée, but when it comes to the dreaded Thank You notes, just do "The Opposite" of George's instincts.

George would: Insist on picking out the envelopes.

The Opposite: Get whatever the hell she wants. Who cares, right? By now, you should be familiar with this overarching theme of The Plunge: you need to pick your battles. This is the wrong war at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. Just get whatever Susan wants. Don't make this your Bay of Pigs.

George would: Write something like, "Thank you for the $15 gift card. I'll use it to pay for half the dinner that you ate."

The Opposite: Never mention specific dollars. Even if they actually gave you cash, just tactfully say "generous gift," not a hard dollar amount. Even if it's not generous, use the word generous. It's like telling an old hag that she looks nice: a benevolent lie. If they did give you cash, tell them what you're using it for: "We're saving up to convert the basement into a gimp dungeon... we'll be sure to let you come over and watch!"

Reader Dunndolo4life asks in The Forums:

"Long time no speak plunge.

"I have an idea for our wedding that everyone seems to think is the most ridiculous idea ever. (Sucking in air) Here goes......

"Now from my understanding, a wedding is a celebration of two people coming together in holy matrimony, or in simpler terms, two people who love each having a ceremony to celebrate their commitment or something along them lines am I right????

From a reader:

"I have a question for you guys. I love my fiancée more then anything, but I am having one issue. I have a serious jealousy issue with her past. When I get mad at her I cant help but think of all the other guys she's been with and how she must have liked being with them more then me. I know it sounds childish and stupid, but I can't seem to make myself get past it. How do I not let this become an issue so big it ruins my upcoming marriage?"

_______

A reader writes:

"My fiance and I have been engaged for 6 months and are getting married in Summer of 2011 and in the time we have been together we have gone to a few other weddings and have more coming up in the future. I took a look at the wedding registry for one of the upcoming weddings and the items on there are ridiculous! Some of the highlights are:

$165 for a Gravy boat
$58 for a salt and pepper shake (each, not a set)
$100 for an electric toothbrush

My parents had a fine china set and in the 23 years I lived with them, my mother used it maybe 3 times. The worst part is that courtesy of The Knot and its dozen or so clones, my fiancée seems to think these are acceptable gifts to ask of our friends and family for our wedding. How do I explain to her that it's all just useless stuff we don't need, and that it would much better to ask for gifts of cash...to actually pay for part of the wedding!"

________

A deluxe gravy boat is like flying first class: you don't think it's worth the money, but once you get a taste, you can never go back. In the grand scheme of your life, there will never, ever be money better spent than that china gravy boat.

Kidding. Of course you're right. This is the structural problem with modern weddings. Many decades ago, in a simpler era, the gift of crockery made perfect sense: couples got married straight out of college, they didn't have squat, so the 100+ friends helped them start their new life.

These days? You have forks. You have spoons. You have every damn bit of cutlery you'll ever really need. Sure, you could "upgrade," but why not get some shit you'd actually like?

Happily, through some savvy manipulation of your wedding registry, you can actually transform those gravy boats into cash, all Rumpelstiltskin like.

 A reader writes us with the following, which demands to be printed in its entirety:

______

"Here's my problem. My fiancée asked me if she should have my sister as a bridesmaid. I told her my sister wouldn't care either way, so it was up to her.

You don't have to be Shakespeare. You just need to have a plan, execute it, get in, get out. (Think of it like invading a small country.)

Don't wing it, don't overstay your welcome, and don't piss off the locals. Yes, confidence and delivery matter. (More on that here.) But the most important element? The plan itself. You need to have the toast written out, and that starts with a template. Like this one.

Every good best man toast has four components:

1)    Intro
2)    Funny (but not snarky) stories about the groom
3)    Glowing words about the bride
4)    Upbeat Conclusion.

No need to over-think it. If you stick to those 4 components, you'll be fine.  How long should it be? Anywhere from 45 seconds to 5 minutes. If it's less than 45 seconds it looks like you didn't give it any damn thought. If it's longer than 5 minutes, then no matter how charming or brilliant you are, you'll lose your audience. And, frankly, this is not the moment to try to impress everyone in the room with your accomplishments and brilliance.

A note on mechanics. You should have it mostly memorized, but also print it out and have it in front of you. Go one step further and print out a copy in a cartoonishly large font. Make lots of little paragraphs. Chunk it up. That way if you lose your place when looking up at the crowd--which you should be doing, frequently--you can quickly find it again. And double-space the son of a bitch.

Okay, onto the content itself. We'll walk through each section, blow by blow. The good news: two of them are super-easy.  The intro and conclusions are paint-by-numbers; you just need a couple of warm-and-fuzzy gems.

1) Intro

If you're feeling gutsy, and if you trust your instincts and public speaking chops, you can have a tiny moment at the beginning where you humorously comment on something that just happened that night. This adds flavor and spontaneity, but it needs to be quick and in good taste. (This part's optional.)

When you start, don't assume people know who you are. Many have no clue. But avoid opening with the lame, "For those of you who don't know me, I'm ......."  Everyone else speaking will say the same exact thing, so try and separate yourself from the herd. Instead, start your speech with how you met the groom. It should be both factual and funny.  Start with the fact, then pivot into the joke. Like this:

"I met Jason when we shared a cell together in Folsom prison." That's the fact. Then you pivot into... "Back then, his ‘girlfriends' were named Frank and Bill and had him pick up the soap, if you know what I mean."

Okay, just making sure you're paying attention. This violates two rules that you should have learned from this article: 1) No humor that will upset Grandma; and 2) no mentions of ex-girlfriends, not ever, under any circumstances.

Still, that example should give you the idea. Just start with "I met (groom's name) (here)", pause, then you give a kicker.

So, more realistically:

"I met Charlie when we were roommates at Florida State." Fact, then pivot into a quick little anecdote that you later leverage... "In college, he was the worst cook I'd ever seen, maybe that the world has ever seen. When he made pasta, he used ketchup as sauce. Not kidding. Ketchup."  

Not laugh-out-loud funny, obviously, but mildly amusing and the trick is to later use this in reference to the bride. (You'll see.)

For Sections 2 - 4, click here for the full article...

There's an old legend about the ancient Greeks. When an athlete triumphed in a sporting event, to congratulate him, the fans would hoist him on their shoulders and yell, "Die Now! Die Now!"

The athlete was at his peak. The apex of his life. "Die Now" meant that he would never, ever be as happy as he was this moment; so to avoid the inevitable letdown, he should just go ahead and kill himself.

As perhaps you've noticed, this tradition has fallen out of favor. At weddings, when we shower the bride and groom with rice, we (usually) don't scream out "Die Now! Die Now!"

No, we at The Plunge do not endorse newlywed euthanasia. And to clarify, we do not think that the wedding will be the apex of your life. You will have other triumphs. You will grow even happier and happier with your wife. Your children will bring you bankruptcy joy.

Still... the Greeks had their finger on something. After the wedding, some guys will feel a letdown, a funk, a hard-to-pinpoint sense of gloom. You can't articulate it. You can't talk about it with your buddies, and you probably can't talk about it with your wife.

Sometimes it helps just to isolate and clarify your stress. Chances are, it stems from one of these 10 funk factors.

Also, in deference to your state of mind, we'll be a little less snarky than usual. We'll be delicate. (Because you're acting like a pansy.)

Funk Factor 1: You're no longer the star.

Truth time. Yes, we've both sworn an aversion to wedding planning. We mock it, you avoid it. Shhhhh... We promise we won't tell anyone...but we know that you secretly enjoyed it. Or at least parts of it. You were the leading man in a lavish play that had a cast of 200. You were doted on, flattered, honored with gifts. And now? The gig's up, the costumes are boxed in the closet, the audience has moved on to the next wedding.

Solution: Good news. This effect is temporary. Life will soon return to normal, and with it, your perspective and humor.

Funk Factor 2: You have idle hands.

For better or worse, the wedding sucked up a lot of time. And now you suddenly have your evenings free. Yes, you mocked it and yes, you were annoyed by much of it, but even on the bad days it was what you did. Without all the stress of planning-or putting up with your fiancée's planning-you could find yourself bored. And boredom leads to depression.

Solution: Take up a new hobby with your wife. Tennis lessons, wine tasting, key parties, whatever. You had a life before. You'll have a life again.

For the additional funk factors and solutions, see the full article Happily Ever After(?): Dealing with Post-Wedding Stress.

When you were born with a Y chromosome, you were blessed with the following advantages: standing urination, comfortable shoes, 10,000 years of higher wages, a superior (if imaginary) sense of direction, and, best of all, excusal from planning the wedding reception.

This is your fiancée's burden. You're (mostly) off the hook. So unlike the wedding-porn, we won't waste your time with 20 pages of tedium--when you should book the venue ("the earlier the better: 96 months in advance!!!"), questions to ask the vendors (yawn) or "insider's tips" like the importance--as if you would never consider this--of getting multiple quotes. (You think?)

There's only one catch. While your bride plans the reception, you need to make sure that's she also planning a party. You'll be eating the food, you'll be drinking the booze, you'll be dancing to the music. It's your job, as the groom, to make it feel like a party and not a ritual. So it behooves you to monitor the situation--from a safe distance--and keep your eyes peeled for signs of alarm.

Much can go wrong. Poor choices can be made. 10 warning signs that demand your attention: