The Plunge Blog

Alcohol is the lifeblood of your reception. You could blow $40,000 on ice sculptures, a coveted venue, and flowers coming out the officiant's ass, but if you run out of booze, suddenly the party craters at 8pm and everyone leaves unsatisfied.

So. While we typically recommend a "big picture" approach to wedding planning that frees you from the nitty-gritty, in this case, you'll want to get your hands dirty. Know the right ratios, the right brands, the right balance between quantity and quality.

For our guide, we've enlisted wine consultant Tyler Haas. In his professional capacity, Tyler "tastes" up to 100 wines and beers a month including--on the clock!--a $1,900 bottle of cognac. We hate him.  Then again, he's also stuck dealing with the hell that is wedding planning, so maybe it all balances out.

Taking a break from tasting cognac, Tyler sobered up to answer our many, many questions on wine, alcohol, and wedding-booze protocol.

In most areas of life, my talents are modest. I'm not a particularly great athlete, chess player, or flutist. I can't whistle.

One thing that at The Plunge that we're quite excellent at, however, is pissing people off.

Latest example? In our piece The 10 Dumbest Reasons to Get Married, we wrote the following:

"Dumb Reason #5. She's hot. This doesn't mean you need to marry ugly. It means that physical attraction is a necessary, but not sufficient, criteria for marriage. You need to really, really, really need to know this girl before you pledge the rest of your life. Sex appeal isn't forever. With apologies to Helen Mirren, no one's hot at 60."

A reader writes:

"My fiancee's mother is very involved with our planning, which at times is not a problem at all.  However, we are almost 50 people over what we had wanted to invite for our wedding. 

"Her mom keeps insisting that we invite her cousins' son (who my bride-to-be has never met), and refuses to back down.  I want to tell her that its OUR wedding and we don't want to invite them, but she is helping us pay for it and keeps throwing that in our face.  How do we handle this?"

Some serious stuff in today's mailbag.

From a reader:

"I am in the military and my significant other and I have spent little time together.  I was stationed away from the home town, where she lives, and saw her seldomly.  I drank on the weekends or whenever I didn't have to work.  Now I am deployed and when I return home, she wants me to stop drinking.  Should i respect her wishes and stop drinking?"

Hi XXX,

First thing's first -- thanks for serving our country. We respect the hell out of our armed forces. And since you're a military man, we're not going to lob you softballs. Buckle up.

Your question, really, is a jumble of three interrelated ones:

1) Have you spent enough time with this woman to know that she's The One?

This is in no way a blanket statement that applies to military families. It's not. But there's a tendency, at times, for young couples to have a fling--or even something more serious than a fling--and then get separated by distance. Could be the military, or college, a job, the traveling circus, whatever. The couple is in love so they make it work. They write. They travel. They swap cute little digital photos. And sometimes their love grows stronger and they're better off for it. But sometimes... the time apart is a substitute--and a poor one--for the relationship's maturation phase.

More broadly, this is the most under-appreciated aspect of long-distance relationships:  the lack of what I call "doing the laundry" time. When people hear about long distance relationships, they assume that the hardest part is the months apart and the lack of sex. Nope. The real downside is more elusive and almost invisible--the fact that you're never living "real life" together. Think about it. When you have a weekend together, you're so damn grateful for that weekend that you spend all 48 hours having sex, having fun, and having precisely 0.000 minutes for the mundane, day-to-day stuff of real relationships. You don't waste those golden weekends bickering about whose friends to hang out with. You don't waste those weekends arguing about visiting parents. You don't waste those weekends doing laundry.

Maybe she's the right girl for you. Maybe she's not. Before you jump into your lifelong commitment, however, spend some more day-to-day time together.

2) Are you drinking too much?

No clue. If you do drink literally every second that you don't have to work, well, we're no AA clerks, but maybe it's something to think about. Without more context, we don't know if: A) she's over the line for suggesting you go dry; or B) the fact that she brought it up hints at a real problem.  

A reader writes:

"I have 7 Groomsmen.

I was thinking of buying a bottle of Mccallan 15 Year Scotch($65) and engraving my name, my fiance's name, and our wedding date on it? Any thoughts?"

We're reasonably confident that every wedding publication in history would love your idea. They would say, YES, go for it, engrave it, that's' what makes the gift special.

Our take?

You're on to something with the Scotch. That's a generous purchase, and you clearly know your stuff. Your friends will like the bottle. Your friends will be appreciative. Your friends will think it's classy. But. Here's the rub:

Your friends might never drink it.

Think about it. If you give them a bottle with a fancy engraving, it's most likely to rot--perhaps forever--as a sloshy decoration. It's funny how holding out for a "special occasion" means that, essentially, no occasion is ever special enough.

Instead of engraving your names, why not just put the money toward even nicer Scotch? Put differently: what would you rather have?

Now, to clarify, we're not making a blanket statement that all engraving is evil. If you're getting the dudes something that they'll use again and again and again--like, fine, we hate to admit it, a flask--then engraving is the way to go. But if your engraving is actually preventing them from enjoying the gift, thumb your nose at decorum and skip it.

If you're nervous about an un-engraved bottle being too casual, when you give it to them, just tell them that you had thought about engraving, but blame it on us. We're happy being the scapegoat.

Good luck.

Click here for more on groomsmen gifts.

A reader writes:

"First let me say that your site is great.  It's the only site I've visited that doesn't give completely corny advice.  So, I'm the best man in my buddy's wedding in two days.  I have the majority of my speech written, I've run it by a few of the groomsmen, and it's pretty good. 

"However, I have two issues.  One, all the funny stories I have about the groom are hilarious but completely inappropriate to tell in front of the families.  Within our group of friends he is considered the "crazy" one and has done some pretty wild shit.  Any ideas on how to work around that?

A reader writes:

"Awesome article on choosing between a band and a DJ.  My fiancée and I decided the DJ route is the way to go for us, but now it's my job to pick the most kick ass DJ St. Louis has to offer. 

Do you have any tips on choosing between different DJs.  Oh, and none of them will let you attend a function they are putting on, disrespectful to the clients (or something like that).

Thanks for the help and the laughs."


You found some good news. Do you really want to attend random functions of random people you don't know, just to hear the random DJ? I mean, yes, that would be helpful for your decision, and yes, we (half-heartedly) recommend doing just that. But trust us--you dodged a bullet. It's sort of like if you go on a beach vacation and "forget" your jogging shoes. Oh no, you can't go jogging, you have to sleep in, instead. Damn.

Plenty of experts suggest that you get technical. They instruct you to ask your DJs about his sub-woofers, about the specs of his lighting system, etc.  Screw that. You're not really going to know what you're talking about, and he'll secretly laugh at you.

The three most important ways to choose a DJ: 1) References; 2) References; 3) References.

Ask other friends who have recently gotten married. Ask your other vendors.  Hell, as geeky as this sounds, even ask your co-workers. If all that yields nothing, you're stuck doing things the old-fashioned way: google.

And we know, we know, it's a crapshoot. When we just googled Best St. Louis wedding DJs, we got 87 pages of shot-in-the-dark, standalone businesses. A better option: check out sites like OneWed.com or MyWedding.com, which aggregate vendors and provide user reviews.  In this case, there's something to the wisdom of crowds. Call me lazy, but if I see one vendor who has 17 user reviews with an average of 4.7, and they charge the same as the dude with only 1 rating (2 stars), well, that's not exactly an agonizing decision. Why over-think it, right?

That said, there are some things you want to ask your potential DJ. Don't sweat the technical stuff, but you should, however, get a feel for their style. What's their request policy? Do they act as a larger-than-life MC, or do they just spin and grin? Personalities matter. If they seem like a coked-up hipster who will scare the holy hell out of your grandmother, don't use 'em. Ask for references. Watch their demo reel.  If you get a good vibe, if the user reviews are positive, if you like his MC style, and if his references check, you can go to sleep knowing you've done your homework.

If you still need more specific help, just give us a shout. Anyone else have any suggestions? Sound off in the Comments.

(And for anyone who hasn't yet read it, don't miss Picking the Music: Band or DJ?)

A reader writes:

"I am engaged to a very wonderful woman. An issue came up though involving her childhood friend/first boyfriend.

"The two of them grew up together. They were best friends for many years and they dated each other for a short amount of time (3 months I believe). She met me when she moved out here for college and has talked to the guy 3 times total in the last 2 years or so.

"When we got engaged she began spouting ideas for the wedding. Most of them were wonderful and reasonable, but she wanted this ex-boyfriend to be the organist at our wedding. That made me very uncomfortable and I expressed this to her.

A reader writes:

"First off, your site is great, and has helped me get through the engagement and we're now 3 weeks from my wedding.  My family is giving the rehearsal dinner, and I was wondering who is supposed to give toasts and whether I need to give a toast at both the wedding and the rehearsal dinner, and if so, how do I do that without recycling the same anecdotes and stories? 

"Please don't give me the bullshit that a rehearsal dinner "is whatever you want it to be."  I don't mind public speaking, but do I need to do it twice in two days, and how do I apply your rules for speeches to each event, without boring the people who were there the night before?"

_________

A reader writes:

"I'm trying to decide on my best man. 

"My actual best friend is my younger brother who is 17 (I'm 25).  My other groomsmen are my friends, but nowhere neat as close as my brother and I are. 

"Is 17 too young to be a best man? 

A reader writes in the comments:

"In regards to the Rehearsal dinner, I am in a unique situation.  Every one of my guests is from out of town. 

"None of my bride's guests are from out of town. 

"I know it is traditional to invite all out of town guests to the Rehearsal dinner, but what is the SOP for this situation??  How will it look to her family if every single one of my guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner but none of hers?"   

A reader writes:

"My soon-to-be fiance and her family got the idea to use her late grandmother's wedding diamonds for her engagement ring and wedding bands.

"This adds sentiment to the ring as well as lowers costs to yours truly, so I'm on board with it.

A reader writes:

"As best man at a wedding happening in about four weeks, I have been tasked with ensuring that each of the groomsmen is properly attired.

"I would like to permit those groomsmen who own tuxes to wear them provided that they have (a) peak lapels, (b) striped pant legs and (c) black bowtie and cummerbund.

Some technology has made us better. Examples: The printing press, pasteurization, instant replay, beef jerky.

For every polio vaccine, however, there's a case where technology backfires. My two favorite examples: 1) Automated phone trees that take twenty minutes to navigate; and 2) Automated sinks, the infrared kind, the ones that make washing your hands seem like the Physical Challenge on a game show.

But I was wrong. Way wrong. A just-released poll highlights a more pernicious problem: we're too plugged in.

A reader writes:

"I proposed to my girlfriend a couple of months ago and she has been dying to start the planning of the wedding, but i keep on delaying the planning because i really want to graduate college and get a job so i can afford a great wedding for us.

"She understands but is extremely frustrated about it.

"I was wondering if there is anything i could do that could do to make her feel any better about this?"