Groom Duties

Wedding Day Transportation

Let’s make a deal. If you don’t screw up planning the wedding transportation, we won’t waste your time with a long and unnecessary article. Cool?

Simple stuff. It’s not expected that you pay for cars, buses, and taxis for all of your 200 guests. It ishowever, expected that you provide options. Do people have a way to get from the church to the reception hall? From the reception to the hotel(s)? Especially if you’re at a hard-to-access destination wedding, you need to call cab companies, order shuttles, or coordinate a makeshift fleet of designated drivers. Pay particular attention to your wedding party. Arrange car-pools, especially for your out-of-town guests.

Okay, onto the fun stuff. Kidding. This isn’t fun. We promised we wouldn’t lie to you. Transportation options for you and your bride:

Transportation Option 1
House Drawn Carriage

This is a perfect idea, just lovely, especially if you’re getting married in a coat of shining armor. Are you mad? You do realize that all of your friends will see you in this monstrosity, right? And they’ll have photographic evidence—blackmail—for the rest of your life. All kidding aside, if you’re actually considering this option and would like some solutions, click here.

Transportation Option 2
Boat

Yes, even hardened cynics like us can admit, there’s something inherently romantic about sailing off into the sunset…if you’re headed to the Gray Havens at the end of Return of the King. And the analogy fits: the Gray Havens represent death. If not executed perfectly—and we mean perfectly—this will look moronic. Boats are a pain in the ass. It takes time to awkwardly fumble with the ropes and cleats, get the damn engine to start, check the water depth, etc. Your guests (who are forced to travel from the reception to the dock) will stare at you with growing impatience. Like communism and 69s, this is better in theory than reality.

Transportation Option 3
Sports Car

Why not? If you have a car fetish, this is a perfectly acceptable time to indulge. You can easily find a Ferrari F430, Aston Martin DB9, or Lamborghini Gallardo for rental. Obviously, procure both insurance and a designated driver. And to hell with tradition: the designated driver should not be your best man. You would be dooming him with a wedding’s second worse punishment (after marriage): sobriety.

Transportation Option 4
Limo

How would you like to get married in a white tuxedo? Well that’s exactly how stupid you’d look if you choose a white limo. It’s not complicated: white is corny. Also, think twice before splurging for an SUV or Hummer. That will look totally normal and appropriate if and only if your name is TI or Kanye.

A black limousine is obviously the most straightforward way to go. Don’t over-think this. Plus, you can use it to haul around the bridesmaids who will need 37 hours to get ready. Other things to keep in mind with a limo: do it early—like everything else, it costs more the longer you wait. Make sure it’s stocked with champagne, or ask if you can bring your own. The wedding-porn will also tell you to “carefully inspect the contract;” and if they were giving you advice on buying a plane ticket they would probably tell you to “bring a picture ID to the airport.”

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