You know how you get with your buddies? Those times when you devolve, caveman-style, into a locker-room mentality of guzzling six-packs, dropping F-bombs, belching, passing gas and swapping Your Mom jokes? (“Your mom’s so stupid, she got hit by a parked car,” or “Your mom’s so old, I told her to act her age and she died.”)
See also: Feeding The Bridal Ego: Announcing In The New York Times
It’s part of who you are, but you’d never, ever let your fiancée see you like this. It would embarrass you, embarrass her, and make her question your sex appeal. Think of the Bridal Shower as a woman’s version of the Gym Locker Room. It’s unbecoming. It’s embarrassing. And if you witness this freak show, you will find the entire female gender less attractive. There. Does that tell you everything you need to know about Bridal Showers?
What exactly, are bridal showers?
They’re usually hosted by the Maid of Honor. And the Bridal Shower’s purpose—long outdated—is to provide you and your bride with even more gifts so that you can start your new life together.
Huh. Well that doesn’t sound so bad.
Wait. There’s a catch. Unlike the wedding gifts, which people send via registry, here the women all sit together, gawking and fawning, as they huddle around each and every gift. It’s awkward. It’s tacky. And since these gifts came from your registry (you registered, right?), it’s obvious to everyone in the room how much each person paid. It’s crass.
It still doesn’t sound that bad.
Estrogen, shrieking, and fake-laughing. Imagine being strapped to a chair and forced to watch First Wives Club, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Sex and the City, and every episode of Desperate Housewives on a continuous loop for 96 hours.
Okay, so what are my responsibilities?
To avoid attendance.
Wait, why would I have to go? Isn’t this a lady’s-only thing?
In the old days, yes. Now? In our increasingly complex world, more and more grooms are getting dragged to these hen-fests. The ladies think it’s just adorable for you to show up and make a cameo. Only agree if you’re the kind of guy who also enjoys getting pedicures and joining the ladies for Sunday shopping trips.
Gotcha. How do I get out of this?
If your fiancée asks you to come, you can try and wiggle out of it, but your lame excuse won’t work. Unless…
Unless what?
Unless you get bold. You need to make a preemptive strike. You should proactively bring this up. Fight fire with fire. And enlist the help of your groomsmen.
How?
As soon as you catch word of a bridal shower, tell your fiancée that your best man wants to have a “Groom’s Dinner” on the day of their bridal shower.
How is a bridal shower different from a bachelor party?
In the same way a Bridal Shower is different from the Bachelorette Party. It’s completely different. The Groom’s Dinner is simply a low-key way for you to bond with your groomsmen: shoot some hoops, drink some beer, play some cards. Nothing wild and crazy. (Also: don’t let them pay for your dinner. There will be plenty of that at the bachelor party. This is simply an excuse, nothing more.)
That just might actually work.
Trust us. If you’re proactive with the idea, it’s the perfect excuse and it makes you seem all extra gung-ho for wedding crap.
Next up: even if you haven’t really considered the idea, it’s worth thinking about a destination wedding.
