We warned you. We told you to drink gallons of water, go easy on the booze, carbo-load, and get a decent(ish) night’s sleep. But you ignored us. You knocked back a bottle of tequila, stayed up till 3, and kept hugging your new father-in-law and slobbering into his ear, “I’ll be gooood to her! GOOOOODDD! Yessssirrry!”
Now you’re shattered. Broken. Alcoholics Anonymous offers up a handy 12-step program. You don’t have time for that. Instead, here’s The Plunge’s lightning-quick 9-Step program:
Step 1
Vomit
Seriously. Just stumble into the bathroom and gag yourself at the toilet. This will make an immediate improvement.
Step 2
Take Alka-Seltzer
Yep. The best hangover remedy available is the one that’s been around for several decades. The stuff works on both your nausea and your headache.
Step 3
Pop Your Vitamins
Specifically, your body is starved for Vitamin C, Vitamin B, and Vitamin Advil. Take all three. (Captain Obvious alert: since you’re reading this before your wedding day, make sure you pack some vitamins and Alka-Seltzer in a zip-lock bag, just in case.)
Step 4
Unleash the Best Man
This is his chance to shine. You know all those last minute errands you had for today? Delegate them all to him. Give him your checklists (click here). Ask him to help you pack, call the vendors, square away your paperwork.
Step 5
Eat a Banana, Slam a Gatorade
You’ll need studier food later, but your body probably still isn’t ready for it. Even the queasiest of stomachs can handle a banana. And maybe it’s just superstition, but those electrolytes must do something, right? Once you’ve restored some basic equilibrium with the banana and Gatorade, drink as much water (tip: room temperature is easier to digest) as your stomach permits. Repeat.
Step 6
Lie
You know all that stuff you just unloaded on the best man? According to the official press department of the groom, you are now busy with all those tasks. Lie. If someone wants to see you, your best man should tell them that you’re “tied up negotiating with the DJ.” People will respect this. Hide yourself from the world until you get your shit together.
Step 7
Sleep More, Then Eat
Once you have all your alibis in place, go back to bed and sleep for another couple of hours. Your best man needs to ward off any intruders. Or he can say you’re in the middle of “groomsmen quality bonding time.”
Step 8
Use a Phalanx
The ancient Greeks used a phalanx of soldiers that held shields and spears, using this formation to crush their enemies. Use your groomsmen as a phalanx. Have them encircle you and distract meddlesome guests. Use them to stave off human contact until the last possible second, by which point you should be recovered.
Step 9
Have a Drink
Only as a last resort. If the ceremony is in an hour and you still feel like dog-meat, bite the bullet and order a Bloody Mary. Just use LOTS of breath mints and don’t have more than one.
We’re not gonna lie to you. Even if you follow all 9 Steps you’ll still be in a world of torture. Once the physical pain ends the mental pain kicks in: your bride’s pissed at you, your parents are disappointed in you, your guests are snickering at you. The solution is simple. After your rehearsal dinner, get sleep and overdose on water.
For a minute-by-minute, blow-by-blow prediction of what to expect on your wedding day itself, click here.
