In the good old days, people refrained from sex before marriage. That is according to lore, at least—we have no way of really knowing how much secret twiddling was going on in history’s back pages.
Perhaps it’s nostalgia for that bygone morality, but in recent years a trend has emerged among couples who choose a period of abstinence before marriage. This secondary virginity can last for as little as a month, or as much as a year. Some do it because they believe a period of abstinence will help sparks fly during the honeymoon. Others may hope to alleviate guilt over the ways they’ve strayed from the rules of their religion.
It’s true that the Bible is mainly a list of reasons not to fornicate. As it is says in Genesis, chapter 11, verse 10: “God hates you for being horny.” But we’re not here to judge.
When it comes to chastity, even the most puritan among us can get quite creative. In such circumstances, the male of the species is uniquely motivated to stretch, both physically and linguistically (see Bill Clinton: “I did not have sex with that woman.”) This is because as embodied beings, our private bits tend to get tingly.
The result is a virtual smorgasbord of options for having sex without actually “having sex.” Here are some other skillful ways you can honor your primal instincts while still pretending to be saintly.
First “discovered” at Brigham Young University, this barely legal bypass of the rule against sexual intercourse seems to be so difficult as to not be worth the trouble. It involves inserting your penis into her vagina and then laying there, without moving a millimeter, just “soaking” your manhood in the act of not having sex.
No wiggling, shimmying, sneezing, pulsing, throbbing (not sure how to control this, given the circumstance) or sudden thrusting allowed.
WE RATE THIS: Impossible.
Pray to the God of Onan
Here’s a word of advice: Just totally masturbate. This rule seems simple at first, and liberating. It’s also an eminently portable solution to your dilemma, as you are taking all the equipment you need with you pretty much anywhere you go. You can do it side by side with her before going to sleep, alone in the shower, or at a movie theater during the Sunday matinee (our lawyers inform us that this last is, in fact, highly illegal, so scratch that).
Masturbation has several benefits and appeals. First, you’ve had years of practice.
Second, it involves zero willpower, which happens to align nicely with the amount of willpower you have.
Third, it’s a victimless crime (unless you still feel guilty about this thing that literally everyone else is doing every chance they get).
WE RATE THIS: You’ve already got a handle on it.
Your fingers are good for more than just texting, pushing buttons on your Xbox 1, and flipping off your enemies. Manual stimulation of your partner’s nethers (referred to by some, horribly, as “fingering” or “finger banging”) is not just a brief and possibly juvenile act of foreplay. It is an art, a form of sex all to itself, and when done right can lead to what is known in the medical profession as “O-facing.”
Master this, and you will be forevermore known as the ultimate lover–despite never having showcased what you consider to be the main act. Let your fingers do the walking.
WE RATE THIS: index and middle finger up
Not sure why this is number four. It should probably be number one, two, three and four. Oral sex is as good as–and sometimes better than–the genital-to-genital kind, especially if you’re tired, high, or drunk (ie., often).
The great thing about oral sex is that anyone–DJ Khalid aside–can enjoy either giving or receiving. They are like two different versions of the same amazing dish, which can serve as an appetizer or a main course, depending on your mood, and neither of which technically invalidates your V-card.
WE RATE THIS: We’re blown away.
Nipple, Nape and Neck Play
Too often, we forget the body is one big erogenous zone. We limit our idea of sexual contact to the obvious areas, and forget to stroke the collarbone, nibble the earlobes, and caress the inner elbow. Despite their location, so often nipples are not given their due. The nape of the neck? Don’t get us started! Also, don’t be afraid to make feet part of sexy time.
Remember: your penis is nice to have, but from her point of view it’s not strictly necessary. The goal of sex is not the insertion of your mozzarella stick into her hot pocket: it’s the release of oxytocin in both of your bloodstreams. you are walking down the pathway to orgasm. Go dicklessly forward!
WE RATE THIS: Touching.
We are all manly, masculine he-men here, yes? So let us speak openly. We like tools. We are attracted to things with knobs, buttons, and a space for batteries. You’re probably reading this right now in a Home Depot, aren’t you? Well, why not combine this lifelong love of all things motorized with a newfound commitment to maintaining your pre-wedding celibacy?
Have you ever held a vibrator? The pros are clear: it will spice up your private time and thrill your mate without actually violating the strict rule about not having sex.. On the downside, you are probably not as well endowed as even the most mediocre dildo. Be prepared.
WE RATE THIS: AAA. Batteries not included.
Spank her. Get spanked. Invest in fur handcuffs. Play dress up. Sometimes, the act of co-creating the psychological tension behind sexual innuendo is the key to an erotic experience. Take some risks and explore your dark side with the lights on. Go ahead, get weird. Be the naughty policeman who has to keep his pants on. The only limits are the limits of your imagination.
WE RATE THIS: What seems to be the officer, problem?
Hug It Out
Fact: many people who claim to love sex, don’t really love sex at all, but rather just want the feeling of connection. Are you one of these people? Try this simple experiment. Just hug your woman. Go ahead. We’ll wait. Give her a good long hug.
Now, don’t you both feel better?
Weird, we know. But hugging is kinda almost as good as sex. (In the sense that tofu is almost as good as steak.)
WE RATE THIS: What are we, 6 years-old? Get back to masturbating, you beautiful freak.