Sex & Relationships

How Your Breast Fetish Might Help You Live Longer (and Other Techniques)

When you and your bride vow that you will be together “‘til death do us part,” you may not realize that she is, statistically speaking, getting the better deal. Because she’s probably going to live longer than you. Figures from the 2017 CDC report on mortality in the US show that the average lifespan for women (81 years) is 5 years longer than that for men (76).

That said, there are plenty of ways men can increase their chances of lasting longer. Below, are five ways to extend your life, according to science.

Take The Plunge

No, we’re not saying this because we want you to get married. Studies show that married men live longer, especially if they wait until after age 25 to get hitched, and particularly if their spouses are happy. Maybe it’s because they leave behind the stressful world of dating, or maybe it’s just that their wives haven’t given them permission to die.

 

Be A Sex Addict

Well, maybe not an addict. But here’s a good excuse to have as much sex as you can: according to a study published in the British Medical Journal, consistent sexual activity can cut a man’s mortality rate by up tp half. Makes sense as sex floods our bodies with positive hormones, releases tension, and often makes us fall asleep (which is also good for sex.)

Now this doesn’t mean you should re-activate your Tinder account right away. If you’re married, we recommend focusing all that sexual energy on your wife. Not only will this improve marital relations, it will stop you from going off and trying to extend your lifespan with another woman–a strategy that is sure to backfire when your wife finds out.

Knock Out Some Mini-Me’s

Children can extend your life too (a fact some sleep-deprived parents might find hard to believe.) According to a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health, men with children who reach the age of 60 or so can expect around two more years of life than their child-free peers.

Take Care of Something in Your Later Years

Once you have kids and they grow up and leave home (can kids afford to do that anymore?), buy a pet, or some plants, or volunteer. Having responsibility–something you need to take care of–can have health benefits. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology published a study that showed how seniors who were given plants to tend ended up showing greater alertness and social function that those who just sat and watched television at ear-splitting levels all day.

Stare at Some Boobs (in a Non-Creepy Way)

Yes, someone actually tested this. A study in the Archive of Internal Medicine showed that men who spent time looking at boobs had higher heart health and lower blood pressure (we presume the test subjects were looking at pictures, not gawking at actual women).

To be fair, the same benefits were found in men who looked at pictures of cute animals, leaving researchers to theorize that it was positive thinking that was providing the health benefits, not the magic power women’s breasts. Still, if that’s what it takes to get you to look on the bright side of life, we won’t judge.

(Hat tip to the Toronto Sun)

Join The Plunge (Don’t Worry: It’s Free)

Even More Sex & Relationships