By Kayla Kibbe
Just because you’re now eternally bound to each other by God or a ring or a piece of notarized paper doesn’t mean you have to spend the rest of your lives having loving missionary sex and staring into each other’s eyes when you finish. You already know you’re going to have all kinds of hot sex on your honeymoon, in all kinds of positions (and, if you’re feeling adventurous, locations), so why not add in a little battery-powered fun here and there?
If you’re thinking, “What? Me, a Man™, use sex toys?” then welcome to sex in 2018. In case you missed it, we’re living in the era of sex robots and AI-generated porn. A piece of vibrating plastic is hardly the height of modern technology, so relax. Contrary to antiquated stereotypes, sex toys are not just for her, nor are they purely for solo-sex. Bringing toys into the bedroom can make your partnered sex life better for you both. And since you’re now literally partnered for life, there’s no better time than your honeymoon to start exploring (if you haven’t already).
Whether you’re looking to spice things up with a little first-time foray into the land of grown-up toys, or you two are the Mr. and Mrs. Claus of Santa’s Workshop After Dark, we’ve compiled a list of honeymoon-approved sex toys for all comfort and experience levels.
For The Classic Couple
We-Vibe Sync, $200
Throughout the two hundred or so millennia that humans have been getting busy, we’ve managed to stumble upon a few innovations—contraceptives, lube, basic hygiene—that have made the process considerably better for both parties. We-Vibe’s line of classic couples’ vibes is the latest of these advances, introducing a wearable vibrator that you can both enjoy. Worn during sex, the We-Vibe Sync provides both clitoral and G-spot stimulation for her (which, face it, makes your job a little easier) and vibrations that will enhance your experience as well. The Sync is the latest model in the We-Vibe line, which we recommend to honeymooners for its discreet travel case, fully waterproof design, and app-enabled capabilities. However, the Unite and Match models offer somewhat more affordable and less powerful options that may be preferable for beginners.
For The Mile High Club Members
Most sex toy horror stories take place in either a bedroom or an airport and typically involve accidental discovery of the sex toy in question by either a parent or a TSA agent. Unless you’re a character in some nightmarish Meet the Parents-esque comedy, we’re assuming you’re safe from Mom or Dad on your honeymoon, but you will have some airport security lines to traverse. Designed with travel in mind, this clit vibe has a sleek and discreet design unlikely to raise any eyebrows. It’s also small enough to slip into even the most over packed suitcase and features a magnetic closure to help keep everything under wraps and powered off, even if TSA isn’t exactly handling your bags with care.
For The Couple That Commits To The Theme
Happily Ever After Gift Set, $49.99
You two just threw what was essentially the biggest theme party of your life, so you might as well stay on-theme during the your honeymoon with this sexy couple’s play set. White satin handcuffs, garter, feather tickler, and nipple covers suddenly make the whole fairy-tale wedding thing seem a little less Disney and a little more 50 Shades. It’s also available in red, but why mess with the theme?
For The Fun Couple
It’s your honeymoon. If there’s ever a time to try public sex, it’s now. Looking to experiment without risking embarrassment and/or arrest? This remote controlled panty vibe is a great way to have some discreet fun over dinner without having to make an oh-so-obvious simultaneous trip to the restroom. The lacy thong design is sexy enough to wear with any of her favorite cocktail dresses, so take her out for a swanky dinner and surprise her with a little extra something for dessert.
For The All-Nighters
We get it, after the engagement ring and wedding bands, you’re probably not looking to purchase another ring anytime soon. But do any of those rings vibrate? We didn’t think so. Complete with USB rechargeable capabilities and a handy travel lock feature (to prevent those airport horror stories we mentioned), this is one last ring your wedding plans need. Oh, and it’s almost guaranteed to cost less than you spent on that diamond.
For The Investors
Ur Pleasure Gift Box, $299
Contrary to popular sitcom stereotypes, marriage doesn’t have to mean the death of your sex life. For the couple looking to invest in their sexual future, this gift box is a great start to a long and healthy married sex life. The kit includes a We-Vibe Sync as well as the Tango, We-Vibe’s bullet vibe. It also includes an assortment of lube, massage oil, candles, and other fun and sexy toys and accessories. It’s a little on the pricey side, but remember, it’s an investment in future orgasms.