How To Know If She Is The One

Photo by Austin Chan

You’ve been dating for a while now are thinking that final, enormous question, “Is she the one?” You’ve crossed all the important milestones: you’ve met each other’s families, you’ve said the ‘L’ word, and she’s stolen a minimum of three of your hoodies. Now you’re getting to the point where you’re asking those crucial questions – “How do I know she’s the one?”, “Should I marry her?”, and which “Is She The Right One?” Buzzfeed quiz is likely to be the most accurate.

Here are some signs to watch out for when considering if this is the one you want to marry.

1. Your friends’ dating stories sound sad.

When your friends tell you how their latest Tinder date wore flip flops and stained sweatpants to dinner or brought a parrot to the bar you laugh for a second, but the next second you feel a deep and overwhelming sense of sadness that they don’t have what you have.

2. Other attractive women seem less attractive.

You haven’t gone blind. You notice attractive women. But their hair isn’t as shiny as her’s is. And their eyes don’t twinkle the way hers do. And is their laugh anywhere near as cute? Definitely not.

3. She’s the first person you want to share your stories with.

Whether you saw a guy on the subway with a ferret on a leash or you got the promotion you wanted, she’s the first person you want to tell.

4. She’s excited to hear your stories.

“Congrats on your promotion!” she exclaims. “With all that extra money, we could buy a ferret. And a leash. And another place away from here where you can keep your ferret.”

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5. You find yourself daydreaming about her. And smiling.

You should be finishing spreadsheets, but instead you’re thinking about how cute she looks when she throws on one of your shirts. Get back to work!

6. You have your own love language.

You text her a boat emoji and she knows exactly what it means. She texts you a Christmas tree and you laugh and laugh. Both of you really need to improve on staying focused at work.

7. You want to look better for her.

Because you think of her as the most beautiful woman in the world, you want to be the most handsome man. You spend so much time around her that you get an inside look at the effort she puts in – shaving/waxing/depilating body hair, blowdrying/curling/straightening head hair, eyeliner/mascara/eyeshadow/contouring, face masks, moisturizer, hair treatments, skin treatments, dresses/skirts/nice pants, matching shoes, matching purses etc. Since you appreciate all of that, you finally get around to trimming your nose hair and throwing out those cargo shorts with the small rip in the crotch and the salsa stain that won’t come out. Okay, okay, you don’t throw them out, but you stop wearing them in public.

8. She appreciates that you try to look better for her.

“You look really cute today,” she says after you trim your nose hair. “Did you do something different?” Finding these little points to improve yourself with go a long way.

9. You want to be better for her.

You finally get around to taking guitar lessons or salsa classes or learning how to cook a gourmet meal or getting therapy to overcome your crippling intimacy issues. You take steps towards becoming the best version of yourself, whatever that looks like.

10. She accepts the worst parts of you.

She doesn’t care that you gave up your guitar lessons halfway through or that you have two left feet or you can’t even microwave Chef Boyardee or you haven’t gotten therapy for your anger at your distant father. She likes you just the way you are.

11. When you’re together, you feel totally comfortable being yourself.

Woman getting a piggyback ride from her boyfriend.And that doesn’t just mean farting in front of her (though you’ve done that too). You can laugh nonstop. You can be goofy. You can be sad. You can be introspective. You can be depressed. You can be quiet. You’re totally at ease being all aspects of yourself (though you could probably afford to be less at ease with the farting. Or at the very least, you could stop rating them out of ten).

12. You picture a long-term future together.

Your thoughts about the future go from, “Maybe we should try that new pizza place next week” to “Maybe we should open a joint retirement savings plan.”

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13. You find ways to deal with the annoying things about her, instead of just being annoyed.

When you find your 9,837th bobby pin in the house, instead of shouting, “Where do they come from?” and shaking your fist at the hair gods who’ve cursed you, you just pick it up and put it somewhere for her for later.

14. You can talk through your problems.

No one means to make each other mad, but it happens. People have bad days. People have their own issues. People get hangry and need a burrito. No matter the reason it started, you’re able to sit down and talk it out. You find solutions. You make compromises.

15. You’re willing to apologize to her.

The most vulnerable words to say in a relationship aren’t “I love you” – they’re “I’m sorry.” “I love you” is telling someone you feel good about them. “I’m sorry” is telling someone you feel bad about something in yourself. You’re willing to take that on, even though it’s more vulnerable than being naked. Hell, you both got naked on your third date. You didn’t say “I’m sorry” for the first time until waaaay after that. But you know it’s one of the most important things you can say. It says you acknowledge that her feelings have been hurt. It says that you acknowledge you played a part in hurting them (even if you didn’t mean to). It tells her that acknowledging her feelings is more important to you than being right. Being able to do that shows just how much you care about her.

16. She accepts apologies graciously.

When you tell her you’re sorry, she accepts it with dignity, rather than shouting, “I told you so” or sticking out her tongue and saying, “Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.”

17. You put her needs first.

You asked if she wanted french fries. When you ordered a burger and she ordered the salmon, you knew she’d want french fries as soon as she saw them, even though she said she didn’t. Now she’s been picking at your french fries and there’s one left, and the way she’s looking at it, you know she wants it, even though you do too. You give her the last french fry. Love.

18. She puts your needs first.

She refuses your offer for the last french fry.

19. You care about the things she cares about.

You split the last french fry in half.

You may have no interest in bikram yoga, Olympic equestrian, sevens rugby, the status of national parks or the poetry of Rupi Kaur. But you take classes with her or watch it on TV or read articles about it or books about it. You send her memes you find and YouTube videos. It matters to her, so it matters to you.

20. She cares about the things you care about.

She has no interest in classic sneakers, Nascar racing, DIY wood or leatherwork or the World Beard and Mustache Championships. But she has a Google Alert set up to tell her if a pair of Air Jordan Doernbecher’s ever come up for sale. She cheered when Martin Truex Jr won the Auto Club Speedway. She signed you up for classes. And she bought you some Mountaineer Brand Magic beard balm, in case you ever want to be a champion.

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21. You openly communicate your sexual desires.

She says “too fast” or “right there” and you listen. You tell her you want hot wax poured on your nipples in a counter-clockwise direction, and she does it. You’re way past being embarrassed about what you want – you know the best way to keep each other happy is to just say it.

22. You respect each other’s sexual needs.

No couple can be totally in sync about always wanting sex at the same time. Not to mention stress, illness, medication and a number of other things can affect a person’s sex drive. You both know when to double down, throw on the Barry White, and try to get the other person in the mood and when to back away and “bake your own potatoes.”

23. You find yourself taking online quizzes.

You take the “should I get married” quiz followed by the “is she the one quiz” and the only answer you want it to be is “Yes.”

Some people say that when you find the right one, you’ll know, but for most people, it isn’t that simple. It’s human to have doubts and to ask yourself, “How do I know she’s the one?” But if you’re looking at this list, and a lot of it sounds familiar, you have a solid relationship, and that’s what makes it right – not the person, but what the two of you can build together. If you can create something that brings out the best in both of you, and makes you both happy, then congratulations – she’s the one.


Bottom Line

Finding out if she’s the right one is not an answer you get from outside voices or online posts (but you should still read this one…just in case we’re wrong.) it’s an answer that comes from inside of you.

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