Have you taken the “groom quiz” on The Knot? Supposedly, it informs your fiancée on what she can expect from your behavior. Here’s our take on their answers. (If you haven’t taken the quiz, don’t worry, you’ll get the idea.) You can use The Knot’s language to your advantage…play your cards right, and you’ll only be given tasks you can accomplish in front of the TV!
Knot Stereotype: Couch Potato
Earth to groom: Come in, groom. Your guy is on another planet—one inhabited by Homer Simpson and the Green Bay Packers. Since everyone enjoys throwing a kickin’ party (no matter what’s on TV), you’ll have to show him that this is a chance to get everyone together for the blowout of the century. Then hand over a few key details—ones that relate to his interests and that he might really enjoy getting involved in, whether it’s choosing the cake or the band. That way, he can get excited about being part of the planning process without thinking of it as a painstaking chore. You also might consider giving him things he can do in front of the TV (stuffing the invites, folding the programs). Now everyone is happy!
Could they be any more condescending? Does The Knot think that you’re a golden retriever? Let’s look at that again: “You also might consider giving him things he can do in front of the TV…” Really? This sounds an awful lot like saying, “You should put his bowl in front of the TV, that way, he can eat his Purina and lick his tail while being a good little doggey!” You are “on another planet.” Now, we could be wrong, but we’re guessing that your fiancée wanted to marry you because she loves you, she respects you, she sees you as an equal partner. That was then. This is now. According to The Knot, you have the intelligence and competence of a 7-year-old. And thanks to them, she’ll treat you that way. That being said…hey, you can do all this in front of the TV.
Knot Stereotype: Amenable To Anything
Your fiancé comes from the same mold as most other fiancés on this planet: He sort of knows what he wants in a wedding and truly tries to get involved now and then—but he’s often too lazy or distracted to follow through with plans. That’s okay, since it’s the trying part that really counts. Here’s the trick with this kind of groom: Even though he wants to be involved, he can’t really hack a 50-50 contribution. As a result, you don’t want to force him to make too many decisions on his own, which could result in him resenting you and shutting down completely. So hit the wedding circuit together: Go to tastings and visit locations while they’re throwing weddings. Then sit down with him and go over the things he loved and absolutely hated, so you’ll both get a clear idea of what it is he’s hoping for in a wedding. You’ll need to do the work, but he’ll appreciate that you’re actually interested in his opinion.
We’re confused. Which is it: 1) we’re amenable to anything; or 2) we know what we want in the wedding, but we’re incompetent? The gem of that muddled paragraph, of course, is “he can’t really hack a 50-50 contribution.” Good stuff. So with this logic, you actually really, really want to plan your dream wedding, smell the flowers, and lick the envelopes…but you just can’t really hack it. You’re not smart enough. Like a child that’s lost in a shopping mall, you can’t “make too many decisions” on your own and need to go find Mommy’s hand. And here’s the kicker. Earlier, The Knot said that “Planning the wedding is a trial run for your future marriage,” which means that your future wife will view you through this “can’t really hack” prism for the next 50 years. Thanks, Knot!
Knot Stereotype: Wedding Dictator (or “Groomzilla”)
Your groom thinks that there’s only one way to plan a successful wedding—his way. So for every opinion you offer about a wedding detail, he offers four. Your best tactic here is not to go head-to-head with his ideas but directly address your collectively strategy. Talk about how you can plan this event together. Start a conversation, something like, “This is a really big day for us, and I want to make sure there are elements of both of us everywhere.” Suggest a prewedding treaty: You promise not to make any decisions without him if he promises not to make any without you. Then pick your battles: If he’s really dead-set on a two-button tux instead of the four-button you were hoping for, don’t bother arguing. Instead, relish in the fact that he’s so involved.
Gender-stereotype much? Okay, let’s get this straight. So if the woman goes all bridezilla and micro-manages every decision…that’s to be expected and you should have patience, appreciation, and gratitude. But God forbid the groom has any strong opinions—he’s a “dictator.” Like Stalin! Mussolini! Far be it from you to offer “four details” on a topic; shame on you for your despicable belief in “multiple vendors.” Yes, granted, it’s possible that some guys out there fit this weird, appallingly over-involved caricature. To make sure you don’t become “that guy,” click here to learn when you should wake up and when you should doze off.
Knot Stereotype: Planner Extraordinaire
This guy is an organizational dream—attacking wedding issues like a calculus professor deconstructs factorials. He’s thoughtful without being nit-picky, strong without being overbearing, compassionate without being a pushover. He also knows his nuptial stuff, having done a fair amount of his own research. Here’s his problem: He can get very tied to tradition, something that may surface when it’s time to think outside of the box. Your groom may have it set in his head that invitations are “supposed” to be engraved or that the processional “must” work this way or that—and he won’t be prepared for any creative thinking you might want to bring to the table. The best solution? Have him look at photos of other weddings so he can get his nose out of the etiquette books and see what’s really going on in the wedding world.
First off, we sort of love that they equate the rigorous intellectual complexity of wedding planning with “deconstructing factorials.” Yep, pretty much the same thing. If you can order a stack of invitations, you can pretty well handle geodesics and differential equations. More importantly, here’s the secret they just let slip: you can’t win. Even when you’re being “planner extraordinaire” you’re likely being too traditional and your reward for your excellence, your big fat prize, is to “look at photos of other weddings…and see what’s really going on in the wedding world.” If that’s not incentive, we don’t know what is.