Groom Duties

The 10 Dumbest Reasons to Get Married

As thousands of guys get ready to pop the question, it’s worth doing the math and realizing that, well, since 50% of marriages end in divorce… um, maybe half of those guys should not be popping the question.

Now, to clarify, if one of the below reasons fits you to a T, that does not necessarily mean you should flat-out dump this girl. It’s possible–likely–that you also have other, more substantive reasons. If, however, one of these is the core, primary, driving reason you’re getting hitched…slow down. Take a few months. Take a year. Think things over, get to know her better, and make sure you’re ready. If she’s the right girl today, she’ll be the right girl a year from today.

The 10 Dumbest Reasons to Get Married:

1. She’s pregnant

As always, please direct your hate mail to [email protected]. To clarify, we’re not saying that it’s always a bad idea to get married if you’ve had an accident. It’s honorable. It’s well-intentioned. And if it’s coupled with real love and compatibility with your girlfriend, then you have our blessing. But. If the fundamentals are wrong–if you don’t get along, if you barely know the girl, if you don’t really want to be a dad, if you merely feel the tug of obligation… there are other ways you can be responsible and be a stand-up guy.

See alsoFirst Impressions: Hoodwinking the In-Laws

2. You found yourself a sugar momma

3. She gave you an ultimatum

Think like Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and withdrawing troops from Afghanistan: you don’t believe in a hard deadline. For much more on this, check out our article on Ultimatums.

4. Settling

When you purchase clothes, you don’t buy the very finest silk from the very finest brand–you just need something that looks good, fits good, and won’t bust your wallet. Same with your home, your car, your tv. Settling is part of life. We rarely get the best possible thing. Your choice of life partner, however, should never be a “backup.” Know your standards. Stick to them. Now… is it possible that someone who was once a backup has risen to be a starter, sorta like Tom Brady replacing Drew Bledsoe? Sure.

5. She’s hot

This doesn’t mean you need to marry ugly. It means that physical attraction is a necessary, but not sufficient, criteria for marriage. You need to really, really, really know this girl before you pledge the rest of your life. Sex appeal isn’t forever. With apologies to Helen Mirren, no one’s hot at 60.

See also: Will Your Wife Stay Hot When You Get Old?

6. Green cards

More sensible ways of making easy money: slinging crack, prostitution, and scoring a government bailout.

7. Everybody’s doing it

Maybe all your high school buddies are now wifed-up, buying houses, and squirting out babies. You’re still single. So you’re starting to feel–for the first time in your life, maybe–a little behind the curve. Okay. Fine. That’s a good reason to start thinking about getting serious, and maybe it’s the kick-in-the-ass you need to grow up, but it’s not, by itself, a reason to gamble the next 70 years of your life.

8. You’re depressed

Tough one. On the one hand, if you’re a chronically moody person–and this woman lights you up, fills you with joy, blah blah–who’s to argue with that? That’s a pretty big selling point of the whole “love” thing: making the unhappy happy. Be honest, though. If you have some deep, fundamental psychological issues, and you’re using her as a crutch to keep those demons at bay, you first need to get your own house in order.

9. Your family is pressuring you

Ummmm… dude? You’re not 14 anymore. You’re allowed to stay up past 9pm. You can drink. You don’t need to ask permission to drive the family station wagon. It’s time to crawl out from Mommy’s shadow.

See alsoWhat To Do If Your Parents Don’t Approve of Her

10. You want a dream wedding

Not only do you need to not get married, you need to stop being such a little bitch.

Of course, this list is incomplete. And there are plenty of serious, NON-sexy, Big Issue questions and issues you need to consider. Luckily for you, we’ve got advice on pretty much all of it.

Join The Plunge Free

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