It’s your wedding reception: emotions are running high, alcohol is flowing, music is blasting, sweaty bodies are steaming up the dance floor, then you look around and notice one of your groomsmen is hitting on your new mother-in-law. (RECORD SCRATCH) Ohhhh, hell no.
Even innocent flirtation can quickly lead to disaster, so you’ll need to act fast before your reception flies off the rails and explodes into a shame-inferno of anger, apologies, and immortality on social media. You might be thinking: “Does this ever really happen?” Yes…yes, it does. Take heed of our warning, young grasshopper, and you’ll be ready to put the kibosh on the canoodling without crushing anyone’s cred.
Don’t Taze Your Bro (or any of these other bad ideas)
Before we drop some proper science on you, here are some knee-jerk reactions that you should avoid at all costs:
Don’t yell across the room: “Duuuude, hands off my new mommy” or any vociferous variations on that sentiment. An obnoxious public shaming will only draw attention to the unholy actions of your errant associate.
Don’t whisper in your wife’s ear: “I think Jimmy wants to do your mom” or any lascivious variations on that sentiment. This is your wife’s dream day, so don’t piss her off and unlock any possible telekinetic rage that will result in your buddy’s head and/or undercarriage imploding.
Don’t do nothing. It might seem harmless at first but somebody’s gonna get hurt, humiliated, or regrettably tattooed. You need to get in there, slam down your Gandalf staff and proclaim, “You shall not pass!”
The Best Man With A Plan
Hopefully, you’ve selected a best man who will not stare at your mother-in-law with the raw sexual intensity of a Derek Zoolander’s Blue Steel, so ask him for an assist or two. Your best man should act as your second set of eyes and gently guide the stray hound if he starts barking up the wrong family tree. Remember, friends don’t let friends become their friend’s new father-in-law.
Decoy, Distract, Disarm
You’ll need the discreet assistance of a bridesmaid for this one. When your groomsman starts getting amorous with an in-law, send in a female friend to join the conversation and tactfully distract your chum or just drag him on the dance floor for a song, thus dousing his misguided flame. You should step in at this point and keep your mother-in-law company. Feel free to make a couple jokes at your groomsman’s expense. He made his bed and he should lie in it—without the woman who birthed your wife.
The Last Resort
Poison-tipped blow dart. First, you’re going to need the toxic secretions from a Golden Poison Frog from the rainforests of Colombia’s pacific coast, then…not really. What you really need to do is talk to the fool. Just walk over to your wayward friend and whisper in his ear: “She’s my mother-in-law, you miserable horndog. And that giant man who is staring at you through bloodshot eyes is her husband, my father-in-law. You know I love you, but show some respect and act classy. Now, let’s go do the Chicken Dance.”
The Walk Of Shame
Let’s say that you missed the whole episode and you heard that your groomsman made a pass at your mother-in-law. It’s awkward, it’s unfortunate and it will never be forgotten. No, it wasn’t your fault, but you need to man up and apologize to everyone involved, from your in-laws to your wife. Hopefully, everyone will have a sense of humor about it but, even if they do, your buddy is on serious bro-probation.