Congratulations.. After many long months of emailing venues, sending invitations, and fending off future in-laws, you’ve successfully made it to your wedding day. Give yourself a pat on the back because, frankly, you deserve it. And now that the pressure of planning your wedding is over, you finally get to actually enjoy your wedding. Celebratory champagne and cocktails are poured with abandon. Appetizers abound. This is the happiest day of your life…
But you know what would make your special day a little more special? Having a quickie with your new wife during your wedding reception. You know, just grab her by the hand (or butt), give her The Look, and sneak off together up to your hotel room, the broom closet, the backseat of Uncle what’s-his-name’s Lincoln Town Car, wherever.
Sure, you could wait hours and hours until your guests leave and you get in bed for your first romp as man and wife. But you might be so, so, so very tired from the wedding, the party, and the after party. It’s bad form not to consummate your marriage on the wedding night, and if you happen to still be holding onto your V-card this is pretty much what you’ve been waiting for this whole time. So why wait when you can have a sexy, passionate, and totally risky quickie instead?
You might be thinking, “Is it really worth it to sneak away from my own wedding for 20 minutes (ok, 3 minutes) and hook up with my wife in the bathroom?” Well, the answer to your question is: yes. It is absolutely worth sneaking off to have a dirty, sexy quickie with your bride. Research (and common sense) shows that sneaking off to do something that would be “normal” under different circumstances—such as having sex during your wedding versus afterwards when your guests have all gone home—makes things a hell of a lot more enjoyable, mainly because there’s a risk of getting caught. And that risk of getting caught causes a surge of hormones in your body, which makes the experience that much more thrilling.
Now we come to the real questions: Where do you do it? And when? As you can imagine, timing and location can make your wedding day quickie magical, or it can make it the most embarrassing moment of your life (finally, something to replace all the times you forgot to clear the browser history on your parent’s computer). We’ve got some strategies for you.
First off, timing is crucial. You need to aim for just the right moment, when not too many people are going to want your attention. Also, you need to nail (get it?) a time when it’d be acceptable to look a little disheveled. You know, a little sweaty, crooked bow tie, messy hair…that sort of thing. Ergo, it’s probably not the best idea to hook up before the ceremony, considering your bride is literally spending hundreds of dollars on her hair and makeup…and we all know what happens to hair and makeup during sex.
Think pragmatically. Trying to sneak off and have sex right after the ceremony is probably a poor idea, because your friends and family will all want to congratulate you, and there’s a photographer following you around (no evidence!). Sidestep any potential embarrassment by avoiding times when your absence will be noticed.
Now that we’ve got the bad ideas out of the way, let’s establish some good ideas. The ideal time for a wedding quickie is when your guests have had a decent amount to drink, and are all on the dance floor throwing hands in the air, waving like they just don’t care.
When you find the opportune moment, which is when everyone is too distracted by the beats and alcohol, you simply slip out the nearest exit like you’re going to the bathroom or out for a smoke (totally classy at your wedding by the way). Nobody will suspect a thing. Plus, when you come back looking a little scrappy, everyone will (hopefully) think you got messy and sweaty from doing the nae-nae.
One other possible time for a quickie is during the dinner rush, especially if your wedding has a buffet. Right when your guests are preoccupied with choosing between the tortellini and the rosemary potatoes, or are standing there mesmerized by the 8-foot-tall chocolate fountain, you should seize that opportunity to sneak away for some man-and-wife alone time.
Well, now you know exactly why you should have a quickie at your reception, and, more importantly, how. Congratulations and good luck. And if you happen to get caught? Well, at least no one will ever forget your wedding.