Looking for great ideas for your wedding ceremony? We’ve got some of those elsewhere. But if you’re looking for over the top, flat-out insane weddings, read on.
These are not real life wedding disasters, which is a whole subsection of YouTube. This is something more rarified: fictional weddings (some of which do, indeed, end in disaster) that someone, somehow, thought would make good television. A few do indeed achieve high drama (see #8), while others may leave you quoting Rick James (“Cocaine is a hell of a drug.”)
Side note: a number of these are from honest-to-God soap operas, which as a manly, masculine Plunge reader you probably have never seen. Don’t worry, you don’t need to know what’s going on. Below, we give you eight of television’s most ridiculous wedding moments. You may shiv the bride.
Cliché: Person who cries at wedding. Not cliché: Person who is eviscerated at wedding. Game of Thrones’ notorious “Red Wedding” episode features the series’ single most batshit moment (which on a show like GOT is saying something). This is arguably the most famous bad wedding committed to the small screen. Although competition is tight…
#7) Luke and Laura’s wedding, General Hospital (1981)
Luke and Laura were like the Ross and Rachel of early ‘80s afternoon TV, and their wedding episode was legitimate light entertainment news back then (30 million people watched, more than tuned in to watch Prince Charles tie the knot to Princess Diana).
Never mind that the ceremony looks like something out of The Wicker Man, or that it ends in an all-out brawl between the groom and an uninvited guest. The real kicker here is the arrival of Liz Taylor, playing an exotic looking widow with a grudge (her husband had been killed by the happy couple a few episodes earlier, while trying to freeze the world using an evil weather machine. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.) “My curse on you, Laura and Luke!” crows the turbaned and bejeweled Taylor, “My curse on both of you!” And that’s how RuPaul’s Drag Race was born.
#6) Stefon and Seth Meyers tie the knot, Saturday Night Live (2013)
There wasn’t a dry eye in the house when the wildly popular Stefon (Bill Hader) bid adieu to Saturday Night Live and married longtime (not-so) secret crush Seth Meyers. This wedding scene has everything: Alf, Gizblow The Coked-Up Gremlin, Black George Washington, HoboCops, Jewpid. And is that Vice President Mike Pence? No, it’s jilted fiancé Anderson Cooper…
#5) The Moldavian Wedding Massacre, Dynasty (1985)
The story so far: the fifth season of Dynasty (basically the ‘80s version of Empire, but without the music industry setting or any black people) concludes with Alexis’ daughter Amanda (Catherine Oxenberg) gearing up to marry Prince Michael (Michael Praed). Suddenly, terrorists smash through the window and pump the entire cast full of bullets. Everyone bleeds out into their floral prints in a end-of-season cliffhanger.
#4) Tiny Tim Marries 17-Year-Old Miss Vicki on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show (1969)
Remember the good old days when you could kick off your boots, hunker down in your favorite comfy chair, and chill out watching a goose bump-inspiring ukulele player marry his 17-year-old girlfriend on live TV? Despite hitting all the beats, this segment still manages to be the televised equivalent of Nembutal.
#3) “Wedding Bells For Brandon,” Punky Brewster (1988)
We would be remiss if we didn’t at least mention“ Wedding Bells For Brandon,” the Punky Brewster series finale that finds Punky’s eerily charismatic dog getting hitched with the neighbor’s golden retriever, Brenda. You may lick the bride.
#2) Ivy Crashes The Wedding, Passions (2001)
“Oh yes, we’re ‘going to the chapel’ alright — and we’re going to kill the bride!” This classic moment from butter-brained soap opera Passions features one very angry mother putting a stop to her son’s nuptials with grace, élan, and savvy.
#1) Emily and Daniel’s wedding, Revenge (2013)
“Why did you tell me I was going to be a father?” It’s always awkward when you realize your new wife is a compulsive liar who made up her pregnancy. Doubly so when this happens in the middle of your honeymoon. In the third season of the camp drama Revenge, rich boy Daniel Greyson drunkenly shoots series protagonist Emily Thorn in the stomach, causing her to gracefully pirouette off a yacht and into the sea. You can’t help but shudder with recognition. We’ve all been there.