Travel, food and relationship writer Alyssa Shelasky is the author of Apron Anxiety: My Messy Affairs In & Out Of The Kitchen and the upcoming How To Not Get Married. Despite that last title, she is the perfect person to ask about one potentially tricky part of the wedding process: the honeymoon. We asked her to give us a woman’s take on the ins and outs (see what we did there?) of honeymoon sex.
Okay, okay, I’ve never been married. But as a relationship writer and sexual human being, I have to tell you the truth: Honeymoon sex sounds f*cking awful!
First of all, there is so much pressure. And everyone knows men behave badly under pressure. I don’t mean badly as in, “You. Bad. Naughty. Boy.” I mean badly as in….sad face….no bueno.
Second of all, deliberate eroticism is just cheesy. Come at me with body-dripping candle wax and I would probably crack up laughing. Or run away crying. Suggest we slow dance naked to Sade and I’m getting an annulment.
But hey, I’m not a romance-murderer. I can accept that everyone has his or her thing!
10,000 rose petals on the hotel duvet seems like a waste of money and annoying mess, but a bottle of great champagne, delivered upon arrival, especially by a butler….now that’s worth every stupid cent. Dirty lingerie can go either way. I LOVE beautiful underpinnings (take note, Boyfriend). But it has to fit. It can’t be cheap. And it shouldn’t feel silly.
I’m just saying, there’s something unsexy about aggressively trying to be sexy. But you know what’s hot? Laughter. Chemistry. Closeness. Doing the things you both love.
If you both love the ocean, swim your heart out. If you both love to read, read quietly side-by-side, toes in the sand. If you both love people, sit at the bar and socialize with other sappy, sunburnt lovebirds (they’ll probably become lifelong friends). If you both love nature, hike for hours, musing on everything or meditating on nothing. These are the things that will lead to incredible sex. Not his and her silk bathrobes; not a bejeweled cock ring. Togetherness. Realness.
Just be natural when it comes to honeymoon sex. Please. If you’re tired, own it. If you’re not horny, who cares?! If you want to do it missionary or in sweatpants or while finishing up an episode of The Handmaid’s Tale, here is my personal fist pump to you.
Be the person she married. Be tender. Be sweet. You are loved. You are wanted. You literally have your entire lifetime to be a pornstar husband. Just please, not on my watch.