Groom Duties

Reader Question Of The Day: “The Bride’s Family Is Making Decisions WIthout Me. What Can I Do?”

The bride’s family is making all the decisions without me. What can I do?

“We are getting married in September and have just asked all of our friends and family to be a part of the wedding party. We each have 7, so admittedly this is going to be a big wedding. Last week my fiancée’s mom and aunt added her cousins as ushers to my wedding party. Nobody ever asked me, just informed me. I now have a platoon with 7 groomsmen and 2 ushers. I don’t care about them being in it so much as principle. Am I overreacting or do I have right to be pissed? It has already been done, so at this point I need to be thenasshole and uninvite them if I don’t want them in it. I am also worried about the precedent that this could set.” -Plunge Reader

Yep. You have the right to be pissed. Thanks for writing in. -The Plunge

Wait, you want more advice? Okay. First off, be careful. If you have a hissy over this, you go from having the moral high ground to sounding like a princess. Besides, most people don’t give a damn about ushers. It’s a courtesy gig, an honorary appointment, sort of like the pre-Dick Cheney Vice Presidency.

See also: Open Bar If Parents Object?

And you’re absolutely right to be worried about the precedent. You should have been consulted. Period. Neither you nor the bride–and especially not random aunts or uncles–have the right to make unilateral decisions about who’s in and who’s out. Besides, Crazy Aunt put you in a very uncomfortable spot; you’re forced to either deal with her decision or look like a dick.

Let’s focus on the upside:

1) There’s no damage done. Unless these cousins are so troll-ugly that they’ll scare small children, ruin the wedding photos, and remind your guests of the melting-face Nazi from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, it really won’t matter. Don’t uninvited them.

2) This happened with something small, not big. That’s good news. Now you have a heads up that Crazy Aunt–or anyone else in her family–might ambush you with random shit. Nip this in the bud. Have your bride politely communicate to her family that she/you loves their input, treasures their advice, wants to hear all of their ideas…but that ultimately, at the end of the day, the bride and groom make these decisions. To clarify: this is a conversation your fiancée should have with her family, not you.

See also: Bride and Bride’s Family Fight. What Do You Do? 

One more thing. Even thought they’re technically “in your wedding party,” it’s just a technicality, so don’t feel pressured to absorb them into your inner-circle. No invites to the bachelor party, no pre-game camaraderie, no series of wedding photos (besides the super-large group photo.) They walk the guests down the aisle, and that’s about it.

So, what’s the takeaway? A lesson for all grooms: when her family (or your family) railroads you, the time to speak up is NOW. If this goes unchecked, the passive aggressive decision-making will snowball.

Hope that helps– good luck.

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