What to Do If: You Need to Romance Her Before the Wedding

Well played, sir. You owe your new boss. You just hit the jackpot, won the lottery ticket, and drew the only card that says, “”Get Out of Wedding Planning Free!” Best of all, it’s not your fault! You’re at the mercy of your new job and your new boss, so who can blame you? Man. We’re jealous

Your instincts are correct. All kidding aside, your fiancée is shouldering 100% of the burden, she’ll be stressed, and her parents will be (maybe) understanding but (definitely) tweaked, so any “I’m with you in spirit!” gestures will be appreciated.

Chocolates and candy: nope. Don’t do it. At the risk of gender stereotypes (we would never do that), there’s a 96% chance she’s worried about looking perfect in her dress, so her ideal gift maaaaaybe doesn’t involve a tub of chocolates.

Flowers: eh. Maybe as one component of a gift, sure, but this can’t be the entrée. You can do better. Plus, she’s probably all stressed and flowered-out from dealing with your wedding’s florist.

So here are 5 simple and not-too-expensive ideas that we endorse:

One
Spa/Massage/Pampering Treatment

Make it a surprise. The trick is that you’re not going to know her schedule, so enlist the help of the Maid of Honor, who knows everything, and can help provide you smoke-screen. Also, it’s possible/probable that she’ll already have some kind of spa treatment before the wedding, so make sure you get her a package that’s not duplicative.

Two
Do Something for Her Mother And/Or Family

It never hurts to ingratiate yourself with her mother. Plus, as mentioned above, even if your bride is cool with your work situation, her parents could be more skeptical. Surprise her mom with flowers (less cliché to give mother flowers than giving bride flowers) or some appropriate gift of candy, wine, fine cheeses, that kinda shit. Best of all, don’t tell your bride you’re doing this, so she’ll hear about it from her mother. You’ll be a hero.

Three
Write Her

Crazy, we know. Write her letters. What are letters,  you ask? They’re like e-mails that you print out, and then send in the mail. Write her one each day that will arrive in the final week. Get a little mushy. If there’s ever a time in your life to do it, that time is now.

Four
Give a Themed, Multi-Step Mystery Gift

Careful. This is the advanced move. The idea is that you send her a sequence of seemingly random gifts, one arriving each day, that culminates in a crescendo the day before the wedding. Only when she gets the last gift–the key–will she be able to make sense out of the whole operation, and she’ll realize that all 5 gifts are this spectacular honeymoon activity, say. Again, use caution. Your fiancée will be stressed and she might not have time to play Lost, but if you really know your woman, you can probably have fun with this. (Note: do not send her on a scavenger hunt that zips her across town, fighting traffic, cursing your name and making her reconsider this marriage. These little “mystery gifts” have to require zero time and minimal effort on her part…like our gender’s ideal of sex.)

Five
Actually Try and Surprise Her with a Little Long-Distance Wedding Planning

When I visited Paris a few years ago, I couldn’t speak a lick of French, but I at least tried to make an effort with a few basic phrases. This was appreciated. It helps you avoid being perceived as an Ugly American. Same with your long-distance no-wedding-planning-ass. Even if you can’t speak the language, make an effort to call a few vendors, call relatives to confirm travel arrangements, whatever. This gives her the sense that you’re trying to do the best you can remotely, even if, in person, you still wouldn’t do squat.

Hope that helps. Good luck. If any readers have other ideas for this guy, fire away in the comments.