Groom Duties

New Must-Have: “Galvanic Skin Response Bouquet”

Great news! You’ve probably been thinking, “Okay, maybe I’m finally ready to take the plunge, I can swallow my issues, I can commit, I can put up with wedding planning, I can really get behind all this junk… But.  But!  What if there was some gadget, some device, some electronic wonder that will automate the expression of my emotions?

Done and done! They’ve finally done it. The greatest minds in the field have collaborated, and in a mission that rivals the Manhattan Project, they have churned out a gizmo that will soon be obligatory for every groom.

Ready? It’s the “Galvonic Skin Response Bouquet.” What does it do, exactly? From the minds at CNet:

The electrode-equipped Galvanic Skin Response bouquet doesn’t give the couple much question about wearing their hearts on their sleeves: a blue LED glows when they’re calm but a white one turns on when the nerves or excitement kick in.

But that’s not all. The bride and the groom–who met, appropriately, working on a corset that tightens with heart rate–implemented a variety of biofeedback gear to datalog their big day.

We don’t hear the word “datalog” often enough. Plenty of more geeky-goodness at the original article here and in their video, below. The even better news? The bride and groom behind this technology are working on a whole fleet of gadgets, as part of “Project Cold Feet.”

Our humble recommendations for three more:

1. Erection Detection

This is to comfort the bride for the tricky, uncomfortable, anxious moments when she’s alone and the groom is at the bachelor party. Thanks to some electronic sensors in the groom’s undergarments, she gets a text message every time the groom gets excited. Designed to bring couples closer together.

2. Mad Dad Pad

A pad of blinking sensors that will tell when your soon-to-be Father-in-Law raises his blood pressure and wants to kick your ass, providing you ample opportunity to change the conversation, appease him, and get back in his good graces.

3. Wedding-Porn Censors

They work just like the censors of actual porn on the TV, where the naughty bits are blurred out. When you install this plug-in to your fiancée’s computer, every website or article about wedding-porn automatically has the vendor links, promotions, and purchasing options all blurred out, saving you countless hours and thousands of dollars.

All right, Project Cold Feet, make it happen!

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