When I think class, understatement, and taste, I think of the douchebags from The Jersey Shore. And if I ever needed an extra gentleman to fill out my wedding ceremony, I know I’d invite Pauly D.
Apparently, a wise couple did just that. Or tried to. According to the New York Daily News, Pauly D was offered $50,000 to escort a California-bride down the aisle.
Even weirder? He refused.
Pauly D’s representation told RadarOnline, “We rejected the offer, because Pauly is a serious DJ and all the other cast members are doing lots of personal appearances but Pauly D is not necessarily doing the personal appearances because he feels he has a lot to learn as a DJ. He does not want to be doing stuff that is unrelated to DJ-ing.”
Right. He’s a “serious DJ,” just like the Cookie Monster is a serious food critic.
The sad news is that the bride didn’t get her wish fulfilled. But all is not lost. She still has that $50,000 to spend. Rebuffed Bride, if you’re out there, this is how we suggest you use the money. Lock in the following celebrities to make your dream wedding happen:
Designated Driver: Mel Gibson
Responsibility. Sobriety. Accountability. Put Mel Gibson in charge of transportation, and he’ll safely drive all of your guests home.
Minister: Reverend Jeremiah Wright
What better way to punctuate your wedding ceremony than with, “THE CHICKENS… ARE COMING HOME…. TO ROOOOOOSSSST!!!!”
Wedding Singer: The Who.
After the debacle of the Super Bowl, your offer of $50,000 will be the highest they will ever see again in their lives. They’ll do this.
Flower Girl: The Olsen Twins
17 years too old, you say? Irrelevant. Any bride who wants Pauly D to escort her down the aisle would be ecstatic to use the Olsen Twins as flower girls.
Videographer: Pamela Anderson
If you give her $50,000, a camcorder, and instructions to “Get some raw footage,” we’re confident you’d come away with a video that people would watch.
Tuxedo Consultant: Pee Wee Herman.
He’s back in the spotlight, right? For $50,000 he can give your groomsmen a unique and timeless look.
Marriage Counselor: Tiger Woods
Heed his wisdom on fidelity, loyalty, and discretion.
More Pauly D absurdity at the New York Daily News, here.