Groom Duties

First Time Having Sex: Advice for Fiancée

A female reader writes:

“Okay.  So, I know this is a guy website, but the chick websites are being stubbornly unhelpful with this question.  And, though it feels awkward as heck to ask, I’m getting desperate.

My guy and I have been together for nearly five years, and we haven’t.. well, we haven’t had sex.  He’s done it before, but he’s been absolutely wonderful about respecting my desire to wait till we’re married.  I want to show him on our wedding night (in a few months) how much I appreciate this.  I don’t want to ask him, because I want it to be a surprise (the wonderfully stuffed chick websites keep telling me that the wedding night should involve rose petals and candles, along with scented massage oils, but I can’t help thinking that that isn’t the way my guy would want to end his half-decade celibacy)

So, should I just buy fancy lingerie, or is there something more than that I can do?

Thanks for your time!”

Your heart’s in the right place. And on your wedding night, from your fiancée’s perspective, your dress will be in the right place, too–on the floor. Trust us, this is thank you enough. If he’s been waiting five years, and you’ve been waiting your whole life, there’s no need to further “spice things up” with extra bells and whistles.

The more you plan and scheme, the greater the hype, the greater the risk of disappointment. Unless you’re the star of a mediocre teen comedy movie, the first time is usually awkward, painful, and short. This is without any additional hoopla. So, in a way, the best thing that you can do for your fiancée–and yourself–is to just relax, lower expectations, and know that your sex will get better over time.

Which, when you think about it, is pretty damn great. Most things get worse over time–guys’ hairlines, NFL running backs, the financial prospects of the newspaper industry, and sushi. Sex with your new husband? It will get better. Better and better and better, as you get more comfortable with each other, discover your likes and dislikes, and replace your bed’s shattered headboard.

Yes, sexy lingerie is a wise choice. But as far as particular, um, “things” you can do in the bedroom, The Plunge has an editorial policy of not recommending specific sexual actions for specific readers. Every guy’s different. The Plunge editor might be into you throwing on a purple wig, fishnet stockings, and breathlessly singing “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkel, but that might not translate for every dude.

So, here’s our advice: approach this with a sense of humor. Relax. And bear in mind that he is probably nervous that you’re expecting him to be a Sexual Dynamo, so don’t add to his anxiety. Brace yourself for some very mediocre sex, and look forward to the years and years and decades of mind-blowing, toe-curling, hookie-inducing sex that will follow.


And click here for 10 rules to follow on wedding night sex.

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