Groom Duties

Are You Sarcastic? Then Don’t Do This at Your Wedding.

Yes, we get the irony.

We realize that any website that touts articles like How Wedding-Porn is Brainwashing Your Fiancée and Your Reward for Suffering: Planning the Honeymoon …this kind of website, we admit, has no business telling you “not be sarcastic.”

That said… don’t be sarcastic.

If you have a little “prank” that you think will lighten up the wedding party? Don’t. Just forget it. If you must, share the idea with your buddies. But don’t actually do it.

See also: What To Do If – Your Bride Is Getting Wack Advice 

Just look at this dude. This is an actual move pulled by an actual groom.

The engagement notice in this week’s Sunday Times classifieds raised eyebrows: “Dave & Lorraine Innes are bitterly disappointed to announce the engagement of their daughter, Laura, to one Ross Kutisker-Jacobson.”

But it was not put in by “bitterly disappointed” future in-laws but by the future groom, who’d decided to have some fun with his engagement announcement. He said he wanted to inject some humour into the age-old tradition of newspaper engagement and wedding notices.

Smart move. Zero chance that could backfire. A guaranteed way to smooth things over with your new In-Laws, get things off on the right foot, set the tone for the next 40 years.  And I’m sure it won’t cause any awkwardness between the bride’s parents and the bride’s parents’ friends. None. They won’t have to backtrack, explain themselves, apologize for you, defend their own sense of etiquette.

For any grooms considering a stunt like that, we have 5 more you’ll like:

Write sarcastic wedding vows

Like this: “I love you more than every other girl who ever agreed to have sex with me. Maybe you’re not perfect, but you’re the best I’ll ever get, and that counts for a lot. I promise to love you, to cherish you, and to respect you until death or divorce.”

“Surprise” her with a golf-themed honeymoon

Heh.  She’ll think this one’s a real riot, too.  Do all the honeymoon planning yourself. Tell her it’s a big, big, BIG surprise. Find a hobby that you love and she hates. (Golf is just an example. Others could be NASCAR, poker, or strip clubs. Whatever.) Tell her nothing besides the departure date. When you get to the World Series of Poker… SURPRISE! She’ll think it’s a hoot.

Use the name of a different woman- your ex

This joke will kill! If the bride’s family knows that you used to date–and almost married–a woman named Sharon, be sure that you call your bride “Sharon.” This will bring some much-needed comic relief to the ceremony.

Roast the mother of the bride

When they think zig, you zag. The boring groom would give a predictable, polite, from-the-heart thank you speech. Not you. With the comic gusto of a young Michael Scott, you grab the microphone and light up the Mother of the Bride. Drawing a blank? There’s no shame in going to the old well of “Your momma’s so fat” jokes.

And the best for last…

Leave her waiting at the altar…(just for a bit, as a joke)

Want to deliver a real comic knock-out? Then you need to get ballsy. This is a gag that everyone will appreciate. For months and months of your engagement, act like the perfect groom. Be helpful, be a rock, be a frickin’ Ken doll. Never complain, never show any evidence of cold feet. Make her feel like a million bucks. And then, just before the ceremony starts… leave!  As we all know, comedy’s all about timing, so make sure you milk the moment for all the tension.  Wait a solid 20, 30 minutes before making your grand entrance. Trust us. You’ll be greeted with roars of laughter and applause. She’ll love it.

Or… find out some actual tips on Wedding Vows and How to Announce in the New York Times.

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