Groom Duties

10 Additional Reasons to Hate Valentine’s Day

You know the obvious stuff.  You know the main reasons to hate Valentine’s Day.

Expectations. Roses. Cliches. Love.  The happiness of others. These things give you indigestion.

There are also, however, some additional reasons to hate this “holiday,” some new ways to fuel your spite.

Because hate, like love, takes work. If you don’t nurture your hate, keep it fresh, keep it spontaneous, soon you will feel nothing at all.

10 additional reasons to hate Valentine’s Day:

1. Shitty movies

Like Valentine’s Day. Thanks to February 14th–and the movies needed to feed that beast–Hollywood execs sit around meetings, munching on tuna sandwiches, saying things like, “I’m visualizing… Kate Hudson. She’s a lawyer, cute and spunky, like Ally McBeal. And even though she’s one of the 100 sexiest actresses on the planet, she can never find a date–because she’s, ah, clumsy. Oh! And she wears glasses! One day she meets Mr. Right…. only he’s… the opposing counsel! Now all we need’s a title. Jimmy, whattya got? Trial of the Heart? Make it happen!”

2. Slutty kids

What happened? Someone fell asleep at the switch. Look at our school systems. Boys and girls are encouraged to give these chalky, heart-shaped candies to all the other boys and girls, sending pre-inscribed messages like “I Love U” and “B Mine.” Does no one else find this appalling? Is this the future of the United States–a nation of whores?

3. Cupid

Who the hell does this guy think he is? He just slings an arrow to decide the fate of people he’s never met? With no regard to their consent? How is this not assault? How is this not terrorism? Someone lock this prick in Gitmo.

4. Greeting awkwardness

Do you say “Happy Valentine’s Day” to people at work? If so, is that sexual harassment? And how about with family members–do you say Happy Valentine’s Day to your aunt, your cousin? Only the finest of lines separates etiquette and incest.

5. Love tax

You like love. You’re a lover. And you don’t mind showing expressions of your love. For example, you relax on the couch by yourself, giving your partner the gift of space, the gift of silence, the gift of solitude. But you mind the goddamn Love Tax. On Valentine’s Day, you’re forced to buy roses and junk, otherwise you’ll get an audit (“Why didn’t you buy me flowers?”) Tax day comes twice a year, and both times it sucks.

6. Reds and pinks

Reds, pinks, flashing hearts, neon flowers, winking Cupids. Christ. Can we just all take it down a notch?  Valentine’s Day makes pawn shops look classy.

7. Exchanging notes

We still have nightmares. We’re still scarred. In school we had to scrawl out stupid notes and put them in a girl’s locker, where, usually, we would be humiliated by rejection or actually get stuffed in the locker ourselves. (That happened to everyone else too, right? Right?) And now we have Valentine’s Day E-Cards. Awesome. I’d rather have more spam about low home mortgages, penis enlargement, or erectile dysfunction. At least those are meant to solve problems.

8. Valentine’s Day articles

They’re everywhere. “Ways to Find Love on Valentine’s Day!” “100 Ways to Bag a Man on Valentine’s Day!” You can’t go to the grocery store without seeing these Top 10 lists everywhere. And you know the worst offenders? The Top 10 lists that pretend to be cynical of Valentine’s Day, yet still here they are, gobbling up more space, wasting your time. Oh, wait.

9. Concern for our friends

We’re delighted to see our friends happy. We’re doing fu#king cartwheels. When we see our best friends in healthy relationships, exchanging gifts, whispering to each other like co-conspirators, we’re so happy for them we want to punch them in the groin. Really. But we’re just… concerned for them. What if they’re too happy? What if they’re flying too close to the sun? We’re not necessarily hoping that their relationships end in misery.

And finally…

10. It trivializes

We have Valentine’s Day. We don’t hate our partner. We love our partner. And we hate that this distinction is sometimes lost.

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