(Updated for Season 8: As we write this, the final season of Game of Thrones is a few days away from airing. Given where things left off at the end of Season 7–the few people still alive about to face off against an army of ice zombies–we assume there won’t be too many weddings taking place. But that doesn’t mean the series is out of lessons for those about to take the plunge.)
As the big day approaches, you might find yourself asking a mirror, “What could possibly go wrong?” Take it from the folks over in King’s Landing, that’s a question you don’t want to ask.
Here are a few dos and don’ts from your groomsman George R.R. Martin, The Plunge, and the incestuous nobles of Westeros.
An Open Bar Is Good for Everyone
Sure it’s expensive and you’re already breaking the bank, but take it from the Queen Cersei when we say that a little (okay, a lot of) wine makes the inescapable and sadistic, all-dwarf history lesson bearable.
It’s also a great way to make catching up with your dozens of cousins (most of whom you didn’t know existed) fun.
That said, make sure the wine is really top shelf:
Don’t Bite the Hand That Feeds You
If you’re not entirely paying for your own wedding (and we know, everyone needs help sometimes) you should know that no individual causes more stress on the day of than the folks who paid for the thing. It’s your big day though, try to enjoy it!
But, really, try not to piss off the guys who funded your party and to whom you made promises. Unless you want a knife to the chest.
Destination Weddings Can Be Fun
Nothing is worse than the unpleasantly humid and overpopulated streets of King’s Landing or the frigid tundra that is the North. Winter is Here, so you might as well treat yourself to a nice beachfront wedding on the Dornish coast (just watch who you kiss).
It was going to be good enough for a Lannister, so we’re sure it’ll be good enough for you.
Invite Sigur Rós to Play as the Wedding Band
Sure Ramin Djawadi has a great taste in music, but do you really want your soundtrack to be the boisterous strings that foreshadow the death of innocents? Take it from the forward thinking, post-rock loving, dead King Joffrey: there are better things in life.
Take the plunge the way Joffrey did: to Sigur Rós’ renaissance of Svefn-G-Englar.
Make Sure You Know Everything About Her First
It’s the little things that matter the most to us in life. Take it from the experts when we say that you want to know everything about your partner.
Make Sure Your Mom Likes Her
Bride/mother-in-law drama always puts the groom in a tight spot, but don’t let it get to the point where it makes you want to jump out the window. Literally.
Treat Her Right
This should go without saying, or course, but if you don’t treat your wife right, it’s going to come back and bite you in the face sooner or later.
No Really: Make Sure You Know Everything About Her
“Wait, WHO did you say your father was?”
