The Length of Your Engagement: To Prolong Wedding Planning or Just Get it Over With?

Get it over with, or stretch out your engagement? A longer engagement can have some hidden downsides. Learn the pros and cons.

How long should your engagement last? If it’s less than four months then she looks knocked up. If it’s more than two years then people will smile and nod…and behind your backs they’ll roll their eyes, gossip, place bets on your dissolution, and think twice about sending gifts.

The sweet spot is between twelve and eighteen months. And unlike much of wedding planning, you actually have some input in this decision. So carefully consider the Pros and Cons of a longer engagement. Form an opinion.

Pro: It’s cooler to say you’re engaged than to say you’re married. You're still a free man. And, as with most everything, the best part is the build-up, the anticipation, the hype. (Think The Phantom Menace.)

Con: You’re kidding yourself. Face it. There's no change in "freedom." You’re just as monogamous now as you’ll be when married. You’ve already committed. The time for cold feet has passed. Since you’ve already decided to get married, you might as well, you know, get married. And don’t worry: marriage doesn’t have Jar-Jar.

Pro: You have more options. This is the classic reason for pushing things out. If you have a two-year engagement, you’ll have first dibs on your ideal weekend, time of year, reception hall, band, and cake-baker.

Con: You have more options. By taking this long you will think, rethink, overthink, and change your mind every step of the way. If you target a weekend in 2014, then your bride will have time to contemplate a wedding in Puerto Vallarta, at the White House, or her grandmother’s eggplant garden.

Pro: Less stress. This is actually true…to a point. If you only have 1-4 months, then yes, you’ll be under the gun, sweating vendors, and flummoxed by scheduling conflicts. But far more likely…

Con: More stress for a looooonng time. Wedding planning is like democracy and gas molecules: it will gobble up whatever time and space you give it. Think back to when your college professor would assign you an essay. If your professor gives you two days, then you’ll crack a Red Bull and bang the sucker out; if he gives you two months then you’ll procrastinate, stress, blow it off, feel guilty, start writing, rewatch The Departed, stress, get pissed drunk with Chucky, procrastinate, panic, think about asking your professor for an extension, stress, then you’ll crack a Red Bull and bang the sucker out. Two months doesn’t yield a better essay; it yields a bigger headache.

Pro: You can save money. Fair point. If times are lean and you’re shouldering the bill, then a long engagement will let you squirrel away some cash.

Con: Your money’s tied up. If your wedding isn’t for another two years, then that could delay, potentially, any big-ticket investments.

Pro: You still have time to call it off.

Con: Bullshit. Let’s just debunk this myth right here, right now. Just in case you were confused before, we’ll be more explicit: the die has been cast. Guys always say, “Oh, I’ll just have a longer engagement, because then I still have time to back out.” It never happens. If you want to push things off, the time to do that is before she forces you to pop the question. (Click here for how to delay an ultimatum.)

In a nutshell? More time being engaged doesn’t give you any more freedom; it means you waste more time planning a wedding. Think about it.

Regardless of when you plan your wedding, you'll need to start interacting more with her parents. Joy. Learn how to fool them.

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Comments (8)

ummmh

It was ok...

mrmalososick, June 14, 2009 | http://cdbaby.com/netwerq

-1

Question on Length

I think this is a pretty decent article. Doesn't address a ton of issues but has some key ones in there. My question to other readers or to the Plunge themselves, is this: We are recently engaged (about 3 weeks now). In that time she has moved about 60-90 minutes away for school (not a problematic distance really) but I can't move there and we won't really be able to live together until December 2010. The thought was to get married one year after the engagement, go on the honeymoon (all in August) befoer she has to go back to school. We would then be married for 3-4 months while I would be living at home with my parents (fun). While this was not ideal, I felt I could manage it, visiting her on the weekends. But now we are looking at less time next August to be able to marry which means we would get married and postpone the honeymoon until December while I am still having to live at home until then. This is even less appealing to me. I don't see the point of getting married just to get married next summer and having less than 2 weeks together as husband and wife until she moves away again for a few months and then no honeymoon until 3-4 months later. To me that just doesn't seem like a honeymoon anymore. We could put the wedding off until december but neither of us are too keen on december, not only because of weather but because of the stress that surrounds many people during the holiday season. That being said, she will be in school basically until November 2011 which puts us right back at a winter wedding. I really would not want to wait 2-2.5 years to get married but will do what it takes I guess. I would just like to hear if people have any ideas for this situation and the thoughts about this length of engagement. Obviously there are some things that get in the way that we can not control but the idea of an engagement of that length sucks.

kchaikin, August 20, 2009

...

My fiance and I are waiting until we finish school to get married as well. We will both finish in December of 2010, and she wants time to plan without the stress of school, so we are getting married in September of 2011, a little less then 2 years from now. To me, the length of the engagement does not matter. It's your choice. If you love each other, and want to make that commitment, then go for it. There is no rule telling you how long you should be engaged for. You need to wait until the time is right for the both of you. Personally, I wouldn't want to get married while school is going on because it's a lot to handle.When I proposed, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, no matter how long the engagement.

Jeremy Fontenot, September 12, 2009

Longer Engagements

As a wedding coordinator it goes without saying that I believe a longer engagement is less stressful and comes with more options. Many newly engaged couples do not realize how far in advance a venue books therefore they have to be extremely flexible with their wedding date and not be set on one venue if they don't plan in advance. Photographers, venues, and bands/DJ usually only take one wedding per day and book around 9-12 months prior to the wedding. Wedding dresses take approximately 6 months to order without rush shipping costs. Just some things to keep in mind when choosing your timeline. Hope this helps!

Heather Vaughn, September 28, 2009 | http://www.simplyuevents.com

It's OK to wait...

For those above me: That is the reason why we waited to get married until after I was done with school. We waited FIVE years to get engaged. It was always my mother's desire I finish school before getting married. She married while in school and also had children years later while still in school and said it was the most difficult thing she ever did. It distracts from finishing your degree. If you're not one of those people who always have to be first and in a rush to do everything in life then wait. My fiance even waited until after I received my Master degree before he popped the question. Now all I have to think about is work, passing the CPA, and planning a wedding. No papers to write or classes to go to or the question of "will you follow me around to school?".....

IKP, October 05, 2009

Shot gun without the pregnancy is A okay!

So I got engaged in October and will be married 5 and a half months later in Mexico. Close to 6 months seemed to be enough time for my family and friends to make plans to head down south for my wedding. The shorter engagement is great. We Cannot wait to move in together and start our new life together (we aren't living together till we are married). Right now we are 4 months out and still April seems like forever! Destination weddings make it so much easier. I started with the traditional wedding planning then said Screw it! I'm going to mexico! Its way cheaper and looks amazing! I also had a great friend engaged for 4 months! No one talked trash, and they were really happy about it! I don't really get the long engagement thing! Go for the short one! :-)

ams, December 04, 2009

A Lengthy Time

More time before the wedding is best since the planning can be stretched over time, and everything won't be a mad rush turning your bride into "Bridezilla". It gives those on limited budgets to save up and be able to come to the wedding especially if it is a destination wedding. Plus,you can pay everything off in advance and have no debt after the wedding (imagine that!) so then you can purchase that big ticket item. Besides, you've committed to her, regardless, so the wedding is merely a formality and a chance to have a bit of a party.

Hammondo, March 02, 2010

Is marriage for the couple and God, the couple’s social group, a thing to do just because? It seems that in some cases it is a formality and if that is the case then that is why it is so dishonored these days and taken lightly.
Spend more time planning the life time marriage, not the wedding day and the engagements will not be so long. If I were able to get the benefits of being married and be comfortable with it, then I would not see the benefit of getting married-but I cannot ignore Gods direction when it is hitting me hard in my face especially lately so I will continue to wait and see only serious potentials looking for the same thing and not willing to compromise on obeying God. If parents made marriage arrangement they way some adults do putting the cart before the horse, people would cry foul.
Some men cannot handle a woman realizing 3-6 months or less, they are not marriage material and the woman moving on-they say they want truth and honesty and then when you say to a man for whatever reason they are nice but just not for you, there is a feeling of what?
It’s a holy matrimony of blending two lives after the ceremony supposedly until death parts two people who are devoted to God right? Mark 12-30-31, otherwise it’s just a long engagement for a civil union of couple who want to publically announce their couple-hood.

Poetee, January 28, 2012