|How Wedding-Porn is Brainwashing Your Fiancée|
|How Wedding-Porn is Brainwashing Your Fiancée|
What Wedding Porn is Saying About: Why Your Bride is Freaking Out
Are you losing sleep from wedding-induced anxiety? Calming your senses may be the solution for helping you get the rest you need. Pick a relaxing scented oil, such as expert-approved vanilla or lavender, and rub it on your pressure points -- wrists, behind your ears -- before bedtime. Studies have shown that familiar scents inhaled during REM sleep (the most useful sleep time) relax the muscles, alleviating stress during dream cycles.
Decoded: Huh. So the solution to reducing stress that's caused by unrealistic expectations, over-analysis, and obsessing over 54,456,390 magazines is...lavender oil? True stat: according to a 2006 study, the average bride spends three hours a day planning her wedding and reads 13.5 magazines. But according to The Knot, the cure isn't less wedding planning, the cure is a nice dash of lavender oil. That's like saying that the key to solving our global energy crisis is to wear flip-flops.
What Wedding Porn is Saying About: The Budget
Blowing Your Budget- The problem: You came up with a number. You did some research. You revised the number. You started planning ... and now that number's not going to cut it. Budgeting for a wedding can be the stuff of nuptial nightmares -- but that doesn't mean you should elope. The solution: If you find you've underestimated some expenses, don't panic. Instead, sit down with your fiancé and try to reach a constructive solution. Maybe you can give up an item or trade one for another (for example, dahlias over Black Magic roses saves about $4 per stem). If you're coming up short overall, you may have to take on some debt. To make it as minimal as possible, consider obtaining a low-interest loan or using a low-interest credit card. And to keep it from becoming a source of tension between the two of you, make a plan to deal with the debt and a deadline for paying it off so it won't hang over your heads.
Decoded: Whoa. This is the fiscal advice they're giving your woman? That to pay for dahlias (thank God it's not the Black Magic roses!) you should take on debt? When did we take a left-turn into crazyville? The budget is the budget. For this reason, when you establish it at the outset, make sure that it's reasonable and that you both know that you can't blow it. And before "going into debt," make sure that she understands the financial tradeoffs of that decision. Buying those precious dahlias might mean that you can't buy something slightly less frivolous like, you know, a house. For more on keeping costs down, check out our list of ways to save money on your wedding.
What Wedding Porn is Saying About: Honesty
When your aunt assumes her dog walker will be invited to the wedding, simply say, "We're very sorry, but with the cost of the wedding we just can't invite everyone." Honesty is always the best policy.
Decoded: Nope. Honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes a white lie is preferable—when her butt looks squishy and lumpy in those jeans, you'd better not say it. Find out how to leverage lies when dealing with your wedding guest list.
What Wedding Porn is Saying About: The Bachelor Party
Bachelor Parties: How to Deal With His Bash: Be open about your feelings. This doesn't mean nag him endlessly; it means tell him what makes you uncomfortable. Saying, "Thinking about you hiring a stripper makes me feel unhappy" is very different than saying, "You'll hire a stripper over my dead body." Remember, this is your fiance here -- he wants you to be happy. Letting him know your threshold for wild-and-craziness is totally acceptable, and he should appreciate that you were willing to tell him. It can also potentially open up an important dialogue about your relationship: You need to know that you can trust him, and he you.
Decoded: Key point: when she says "Thinking about you hiring a stripper makes me unhappy," she actually means, "You'll hire a stripper over my dead body." Hopefully, your bride is cool with a little harmless stripper-fun. If not? We're all for snarkiness and irreverence, but come on, let's remember the big picture. You're marrying this girl. You want to be with her forever. You want her to be happy. And it's not entirely unreasonable for her to be unhappy that a naked woman is grinding against your crotch. There are worse concessions for you to make in life. Did we just write that?
What Wedding Porn is Saying About: Why It's OK To Be Lame
Reserve a weekend afternoon and head for the open road. Check out that little place a couple of towns over that you always mean to visit. Test each other's map-reading skills. Play road games like, Who Can Spot the Most Out-of-State License Plates? Sing along to cheesy songs on the radio. Buy a souvenir at a highway truck stop.
Decoded: Ahhh, now it's clear. So that's how your girlfriend suddenly morphed into a gruesome version of Kate Hudson in a D-list chick-flick.
What Wedding Porn is Saying About: Thank You Notes
Write thank-you notes as the gifts come in...Yes, you're busy, but you can always carve out 10 minutes from your schedule to write a thank-you note... If you wait, your note-writing list will quickly grow to a frightening length, and it'll become that much more intimidating to tackle it.
Decoded: That's some pretty solid advice...if you want to let wedding planning interrupt every minute of every hour of every day of your marriage. A better idea? Think of thank you notes like doing the laundry--dump 'em in a stinky basket, and then deal with them every week or so. Would it make sense to wash your dirty socks every single night? Stop doing laundry and start living life.
What Wedding Porn is Saying About: The Rest of Your life
Make [your] album within one year of the wedding...Bite the bullet and order your album while the memories are fresh and you still have a little wedding planning momentum driving you forward.
Decoded: Sigh. It never ends, does it? After you run the wedding planning gauntlet, after you finally get some richly-deserved honeymoon sex in Belize, you come back home to find her still hypnotized by The Knot's creepy spell. Steel yourself. Grit your teeth and know that wedding planning doesn't end after the wedding. P.S. it truly never ends, as she graduates from The Knot to The Nest: "Q.Now that we're living together, I realize just how much time my new husband spent with his buddies before we were married." Yep. Iago is here to stay.
What The Wedding Porn Is Saying About: Getting Along
Is he getting on your nerves? Do you suddenly have a low threshold for that messy desk, those unwashed dishes, or that loud sneezing? It's okay. The engagement period is not always happy camping -- pre-wedding stress can make you more irritable, impatient, and easily annoyed. If, out of the blue, his or her friends start bugging you and those habits are driving you berserk, take a deep breath. Recognize that you're extra moody -- and do your best to keep things in perspective.
Decoded: It's hard to argue with this. And in fact, much of the advice in The Knot (and the other 54,456,390 rags of wedding porn) does try and keep perspective. BUT. You should be aware that when she's being weird or unreasonable, this isn't her. This is Iago. So never, ever, let her come near you with a pillow.
For more counter-intelligence, see The Knot's Groom Stereotypes.