You’ve been waiting for years, and now, finally, you’re ready to lose your virginity. Kidding. We know the score. Still, though, it’ll be different this time...
Get ready for some statistics. None of them are good.
1) Over three billion people—that’s half the planet—are so impoverished, so hungry, that they live on less than $2.50 a day.
2) 27% of all the world’s adults are illiterate.
And, perhaps most unsettling:
3) 52% of newlywed couples don’t have sex on their wedding night.
It’s not hard to see why. You’re drunk, you’re exhausted, and you’re only now emerging from the yoke of wedding planning hell. Most couples just collapse into bed, groggy and trancelike, too tired for more than a gentle peck on the lips—it’s so bloodless and passionless, it’s almost as if they’re...married.
This doesn’t have to be you. Don’t become a statistic. Adhere to the following rules:
1. Delay the honeymoon.
Give yourself a day’s cushion. There’s nothing remotely sexy about waking up at 5:30 to catch an early flight. Leave the next day for sleeping in, thank yous, relaxing, paperwork, opening gifts, and any last minute errands. For more on the honeymoon departure, click here.
2. Tell her she looked beautiful today.
Ahhhhwww. See? We’re not always jerks. Your new wife has spent literally hundreds of hours trying to look perfect on this big day. Let her know it worked. And if it didn’t, lie.
3. Play before the foreplay.
Don’t feel any pressure to thunder into the bedroom and start rattling the bed posts. Take some time to catch up. You’ve just spent 16+ hours with hundreds of people; this might be your first chance to swap jokes and laugh at her mom’s hip-hop dancing. Take a time-out. And while you’re doing this, also follow the next rule:
You probably haven’t eaten much. So your blood sugar could be low. And a shrinking blood sugar can lead to a shrinking...you know. So eat. In advance, arrange for someone to fix you the world’s most overpriced doggy-bag.
5. Avoid whiskey-dick.
There’s an old saying: “Liquor before beer, in the clear; beer before liquor, you finish quicker.” Alcohol is the ultimate turncoat: in the beginning it’s your libido’s best friend; at the end it’s your libido’s worst enemy.
6. Toy with her.
Feeling more daring? Break out some sexy toys and playthings. No, maybe it’s not the ideal time for hardcore S&M or going back there. And maybe it’d be a little awkward, say, if you tried some “role playing” where you’re the jealous husband and she’s the cheating wife. So don’t get too crazy. But you can pull off massage oils, flavored lubes, bubble bath lotion and the like.
Also, you know how you’ve been hoping to try that hot-but-intimidating new position? It’s time. On that note, for the sexiest-ever roundup of different positions—this is actually educational, not just softcore porn—click here (and here for the video). In easily the magazine’s greatest (and possibly only) contribution to society, FHM had the brilliant concept of using girls only to demonstrate the different techniques. There’s no nudity, but it’s NSFW unless you work at Hustler. You’re welcome.
7. Upgrade down there.
Don’t worry, we’re not talking male enhancement or little blue pills. But think about splurging on new boxers or boxer briefs. Wait, did we just do that? Did we just advise a guy to buy a sexy pair of underwear? Yep. It’s so unexpected it will make her laugh and relieve some of the wedding-night pressure. Don’t embarrass yourself with a g-string (ugh), but go ahead and plunk down some money on a designer pair that you would never ordinarily purchase (Armani, Dolce & Gabbana, Prada). Bonus? These will immediately become your “lucky boxers” that you wear for client presentations, meetings with the Board, and playoff Game 7s. For tips on buying her lingerie, click here.
8. Get gooey.
Trust us. Even a hardened cynic-bride will like this stuff. Just roll up your sleeves and call in the romance cavalry: flickering candles, rose pedals, a music playlist that has sentimental value. Sappy and cheesy? Not to her it’s not. It’s the frickin’ wedding night.
9. Think about a week of celibacy.
You want to guarantee hot wedding night sex? Doing the unthinkable—going without for a week, two weeks, or even a month or more (not recommended)—will restore some of that olden-times “wait until you’re married” magic. Abstinence makes the loins grow stronger.
10. Safety first.
You’ve just spent over 9 months preparing for a wedding. Do you really want to spend the next 9 months preparing for a baby? We haven’t written those articles yet. One scary life change at a time. For more, click here.
And rolling right from the big night to the next morning...here's how to make your Honeymoon Departure as smooth as possible.
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