Honeymoon sex + excessive alcohol + no condoms = Newlywed Daddy. You ready for a kid? Take these precautions.
Congratulations. Like Tim Robbins in the The Shawshank Redemption, you tunneled through the mud, slithered through the pipes, escaped the prison, and made it through the hell of your wedding planning. You’ve done it. You’re in the clear. Gone are the soul-sapping weeks of vendor meetings, invoices, tux fittings, and clashes with the in-laws.
Now let’s think back to Shawshank. At the end of the movie, Robbins didn’t return to prison, locking himself up in solitary confinement. Instead, he journeyed to an exotic beach, built a sailboat, and had a heterosexual bro-mance with Morgan Freeman.
Follow his lead. Don’t go back to prison. Don’t shackle yourself inside the one jail that’s even more hardcore than wedding planning: baby planning.
Take your freedom for a spin. Enjoy being newlyweds. Enjoy the parade of sex. Enjoy traveling, going out, saving up for a house, and soaking in marriage with your new wife. Contrary to our usual jokes, we’ll admit...it’s not necessarily terrible. In fact it’s sort of great.
In short, think twice about becoming a dad. Not just yet. Avoid the following newlywed Daddy Debacles:
Daddy Debacle: You think that “I now pronounce you man and wife” means “I now pronounce you done with condoms.”
Let’s speak frankly: condoms suck. One of the true joys of marriage—perhaps the most sensible reason to get married—is this irrefutable equation:
Lifetime of monogamy = Lifetime of no STDs = No condoms = Better sex.
For couples still using condoms, it’s very, very tempting to see the wedding as a turning point, as God’s permission to ditch the jimmies. Fine, but just make sure that you’re taking other precautions. And if that precaution is the Pill, this needs to be thought about before the honeymoon, as, unlike your sperm or Draino, it doesn’t start working right away.
Daddy Debacle: You think that children will “jump start” the marriage.
We’re about to say something hard. Please don’t be offended. Ready? [Wincing] You might not be ready to have kids just yet. Yes, you’re married, but children could cripple a young, fragile marriage. Marriage is forever, but parenting is for-real-forever. Before you squirt out babies, you need to be on ground that’s rock solid. Be married for a while. You need stability and a 100% comfort-level. Being newlyweds is wonderful and intoxicating, but it’s not necessarily the best foundation for children.
Daddy Debacle: Restlessness.
Let’s think back to the big picture. You just “checked off” the biggest item of your life. You’re married. Like a mountain climber who just conquered Everest, you could be wondering...what’s next? And the only “next goal” you see is a baby. Remember that marriage isn’t a goal or trophy or new BMW; it’s a way of life. So live it.
Daddy Debacle: You can’t find birth control in the Brazilian forest or on the beach at midnight.
There’s only one surefire way to avoid getting your wife pregnant: abstinence. Never have sex unless you’re ready to have a baby.
Kidding. Remember, on your honeymoon, you’ll be having more sex than R. Kelly at a homecoming dance. Plan accordingly. It’s easy to forget that we live in a first-world country. Here in the US, you’re always within five minutes of a gas station, box of condoms, or Baldwin brother. There’s no shortage of condoms. That might not be the case in your Brazilian getaway. If you’re using condoms as your birth control, think about how many you’ll need. Then double it. Then bring them everywhere you go during the honeymoon.
Daddy Debacle: Travel screws up the pill-clock.
If you’re taking a red-eye to Italy for your honeymoon, the flight can trick your body’s clock. Is it Monday or Tuesday, the 20th or 21st? Especially after the stress of your wedding, this jetlag can flummox the timing of your wife’s pills.
Careful. As you already know, bringing up “the pill” is sensitive, delicate territory. Tread lightly. The secret, of course, is tone. If you say, “Woman, have you taken your pill today?” you come off as an overbearing schmuck. We won’t presume to tell you how to talk to your wife, but employ your savviest tact.
Daddy Debacle: You’re pissed-drunk and sloppy.
Look. This isn’t a Public Service Announcement. Of course you’ll drink on your honeymoon. You should drink. But in the height of your drunken debauchery, try and remember that you’re packing a volcano of semen. Your best bet is to discuss the need for safe sex before you start drinking and screwing; that way you maximize your odds that one of you, at least, is being responsible. Is this sexy? Of course not. As a general maxim, there’s nothing less sexy than talking about sex. But you know what else isn’t sexy? Baby snot and diaper bags.
Once you return from your honeymoon, it's time for one last awful chore: Thank You Notes.
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