You can't blast out the news like a spam e-mail for soft Cialis. It's an art. You must abide by the Nine Rings of Engagement Announcements...

My buddy Neal had been dating this girl for six years. He was whipped. In a reversal of gender stereotypes, we all knew he wanted to get married, but she kept pushing him off, humiliating him, emasculating him. Pathetic stuff. Then one day on Facebook, like a bolt of lightning, his 200+ friends—including brothers, sisters, cousins, co-workers—saw this shocking change to his relationship status: “Neal is no longer in a relationship with Gina.”

What?!? All 200 of us freaked out. Did he finally decide to cut his losses, jump ship? Or did she dump his ass? Was she cheating on him? The rumors swirled. Text messages zipped back and forth. No one could reach Neal.

It turns out that Neal was in London…on a romantic vacation with Gina. He just popped the question, and she just said yes. In a rush of euphoria, before he spoke to anyone in person or even over the phone—his Verizon plan didn’t do international—he spastically updated Facebook…not realizing that the site would say “No longer in a relationship” before it ultimately changed to “Engaged.”

Learn from Neal. Yes, it seems complicated, stuffy, and overly elaborate—welcome to your engagement!—but there’s a fine art to announcing the news. Certain people need to be told first. Knowledge is power, and depriving power will breed contempt.

Don’t blast out the news like a spam e-mail for soft Cialis. Just as there are Nine Circles of Hell, there are Nine Rings of Engagement Announcements:

Ring 1: No one

Tragically, most couples skip this tier. We’ve made this point before and we’ll make it again. In those early moments of your engagement, embrace the secret, treasure it, protect it. Think of yourself like William Wallace and what’s-her-face from Braveheart—that lovely moment when they’re in the nice wooded clearing with the bagpipe-music and the super-slow-motion-sex. The only difference, hopefully, is that the British won’t kidnap your bride and slit her throat.

Ring 2: Parents

It’s possible that in the first 2 minutes after your proposal is accepted, your fiancée will grab her cellphone and start dialing. If you can’t stop her, at least advise her not to call Gina, her best friend, first. Even if it’s after 10 PM you can wake up the parents for this one. First hers, then yours. Even if you’ve already asked the bride’s father for permission (click here to see if that’s a good idea), you must always start with the bride’s parents. If you haven’t already asked permission, it’s critical that you respectfully “ask their blessing” for the union. Tell them that you look forward to involving them in your new life. (In other words: lie.) In-Law-Hell begins this moment. Don’t give them any reason to hate you already more than they do. Be extra courteous. Click here for more on coping with the In-Laws. Warning: it’s possible they’ll hammer you for details that you haven’t even begun to process: When’s the wedding!?? Where!? Catholic or Jewish ceremony?!?! To learn how to juke these questions, click here.

Ring 3: Immediate Family

It doesn’t matter if you only see Fredo (your estranged brother who runs a casino in Vegas) once every two years. Call him. Include him. As a general rule, weddings bring out the worst in parents and the best in siblings. Confide in your brothers and sisters.

Ring 4: Close Friends

Pretty obvious. We won’t beat this to death. One thing that we do recommend, though, is to explicitly tell your friends not to tell anyone else until you contact them personally—otherwise it steals your thunder.

Ring 5: Ex-Girlfriends (who you still see regularly)

The Ex-factor. Depending on who ditched whom, this conversation can be gut-wrenching, awkward, or a hell of a good time.

If you broke up with her:

Don’t be a dick. Here’s how to play it. In an e-mail or text, tell her that you have some “crazy, life-changing news,” and ask her if she has some time to talk. She’ll get the hint. This way, when you actually do drop the “E-Bomb” (engagement bombshell), you give her a chance to brace for the explosion. Also, go easy on the details. To your brokenhearted ex-girlfriend, the proposal-story is the equivalent of you learning graphic, sweaty details of her having hot-public-sex with a 6’4” linebacker.

If she broke up with you:

Karma’s a bitch. Enjoy. In both scenarios, steer clear of alcohol. Meeting for coffee caps the conversation at 50 minutes; meeting ‘for drinks’ could snowball into a 3-hour cry-fest and possibly culminate in some drunken “last chance” proposition.

Ring 6. Sorta-Friends

It’s going to get old. Soon you’ll feel like a politician on the campaign trail, repeating the same “stump speech” over and over again, telling the same jokes and sharing the same story. So once you’ve knocked out your go-to group of friends—the people that you actually hang out with on a regular basis—an e-mail will suffice.

Ring 7: Co-workers

Save it for a Friday at 2pm. If your boss doesn’t give you a half-day he should be terminated on the spot.

Ring 8: Facebook.

The key lesson from our incompetent friend Neal: this is the eighth ring, not the first. There’s nothing wrong with a Facebook announcement. There’s something wrong when it’s your primary means of communication. Another tip: don’t “post photos” of your actual proposal. That’s just tacky and gross.

Ring 9: Newspaper Announcement

Could this be any dumber? What century are we in? Should we commute to work in a horse-drawn buggy? This is archaic, wasteful, inefficient, idiotic, and possibly something that your bride (or her family) will think is just adorable. If so, fine. Roll with the punches. Just know that if you think it’s silly and absurd…you’re right. Like many things in the next 70 years, you will swallow this medicine and silently suffer. For help on your newspaper announcement, click here.

And now...your engagement begins in earnest. Get started here.

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