Whats up Plunge ppls,

I have a very serious question that maybe I should be asking a relationship expert, but I guess some independent opinions couldn't hurt. My wife-to-be and I have done some things that have really hurt the trust in our relationship. I cheated once and she was talking to her ex for the last 4 yrs of our relationship. I cannot lie and say that we trust each other. Everytime I go somewhere I am getting "questioned," about where I went and why.....It even seems like I am on some type of timed travel arrangement. When she doesnt answer my calls at work or she comes home late from work I get angry and give her attitude because I think shes still talking to her ex or going as far as to go see him. Our wedding date is June 11, 2011 and I do love her......but I dont want to us to get into a marriage that ends up only in divorce. I am trying to build trust with her but It seems all she does is accuse me of cheating. We talked about this over and over again but she just doesnt accept that fact that when you say you forgive somebody.....We know you dont forget but you cant just go around everyday saying "You cheated on me." Does anybody know how we can resolve this so I wont have any doubts on our wedding day. Thanks

Heyya.

It sounds to me like what you need is a family therapist. I think that there are some issues here that need to be resolved, but obviously, you and your future wife have been unable to resolve them on your own. Maybe a few sessions with someone who is not directly involved in the relationship can help you both figure out how to move past this. Because you are right; when you do something like cheating, the fact that you cheated is not something that will be forgotten. But obviously, you are still together for some reason.

So, the questions are, why can she say that she forgives you, but then doesn't trust you (I'm assuming she forgave you, btw)? And why does her talking to her ex bother you? I, as a stranger on a message board, don't need those answers, but I think those are the main points that a professional can start addressing. Maybe there's something else to it? And I know if you go the therapist route, when you get to the wedding, you will have fewer doubts.

Good luck, my friend. And kudos for a.) not shoving this under the rug to explode in divorce court five years from now, and b.) wanting to fix it.

Hey D4life, I will first say I am not a fan of guys or girls cheating on there mate.  I even hate it more if either is married and it happens.  I could careless what the reason was, cause everyone has a choice.  Do not get me wrong we are men, and I like me some ladies to look at and even talk to.  The thing is there is a line you cannot cross.

I really think you all need to talk with some one about this issue.  She should not be throwing it up in your face D4L.  This as you can see is not a good sign man.  Next she should not be talking to her Ex like they are best BFF's yah know. Also when some one cheats it really is hard to get the trust back.  As stated before if one is married, it's likly it will never come back.  If you love her you should get some help, and i think that if you both make it to getting married you both should make a fresh start. GL man

First of all, by throwing the issue in your face every week or so, she's either still insecure about it or she wants to enact revenge upon you by making you relive your least proud moment over and over again until she breaks you.  Either way, that's not forgiveness.

Next time she brings it up, you should definitely confront the issue head on.  Explain to her that you know you made a mistake, and that you still feel guilty about how much you hurt her.  However, point out that because you love her and never want to cause her pain again, you can assure her that it was a one time occurrence and she should not fear a repeat performance in the future.  Then ask her why she keeps bringing it up, listen to her concerns, and resolve them as you see fit.

Also, I would take this time to address the trust issues you both seem to have.  Explain to her that you also worry about what she's doing when she doesn't return your calls.  I'm assuming that behavior is annoying to her, so you should offer to work on it so that you can grow as a person and have a less neurotic relationship with her.  Then try to get a reciprocal concession from her to attempt to trust you more and not victimize you when you've done nothing wrong.

One more question: did she start talking to her ex after you cheated?  If so, then that somewhat corroborates the revenge hypothesis and perhaps she just wanted you to go through the same hell that she did.  That's certainly not a healthy way of dealing with her feelings, but it is understandable.

I'm not sure when you're getting married, but if you're still deciding on colors then you probably have a bit of time.  Tell her in no uncertain terms though that what you have now is not a healthy relationship, and that fixing the problems with it is very important to you because you love her and want things to work out.  After you've both agreed to work on self-improvement, give it a few weeks.  If you see a reasonable improvement, then you're most likely in the clear.  Otherwise, I would start looking for a couples therapist.

I do not want to discourage the excellent advice that my fellow Plungers have given regarding seeking counseling to work through your trust issues.  However, I should throw out a very pragmatic recommendation -- maybe it is broken.

Trust is a precious commodity that, once earned, should never be squandered because it is difficult to acquire again.  Most couples who have dealt with infidelity or trust-related issues say that their relationship can never be the sweet innocence that it used to be, and instead, they have to accept that their romance has to become something else -- something different, possibly better, but never the same.  This can be too much, especially considering if the trust issues you are dealing with are recurring trust violations, or latent discord/disharmony regarding infidelity.  It may be time to pull the plug.

Dr. Tracy Cabot has some advice on "when to get out" that might be beneficial here.  The length of your relationship (at least four years, according to your posts) suggests that trust has significantly stalled it.  I would suspect that, if unresolved, these trust issues are likely to lead to a similarly unfulfilling and unsuccessful marriage.  So it is a huge priority of yours to decide whether the relationship is worth salvaging at this stage, or, if it just makes more sense to pull the plug and cut your losses and find someone who can and will be everything to you, and you everything to her.