Should you invite the little brats and rodents to the wedding? Here's a hint: no, no, no, and no. Oh, and one more thing: no. Here's why.
My buddy Dan has a theory that everything in life is better with semi-naked women. Football? Better with cheerleaders. Good bar? Better with scantily-dressed cocktail waitresses. The Sopranos? Better with Meadow. CNN Headlines News? Better with Christi Paul.
Bratty kids are the exact opposite of scantily clad women. They make everything worse. (Unless they’re yours.) They distract from your ceremony, cast a “family-friendly” pall over your reception, fail to appreciate the overpriced food, and compel parents—the guests you want to party with—to go home early to tuck the little buggers in. Imagine that first dance with your bride, staring deep into her eyes, getting ready for the music to begin, and then hearing some toddler scream, “I wanna go poo! I wanna go poo!”
Think like the owner of a liquor store: keep the children out.
[You] Really? I thought that having little kids dancing was one of the charms of weddings.
This is true...in the movies. (i.e. Vince Vaughn blowing up balloons for the kids in Wedding Crashers, the hit-man dancing with the little girl in The Godfather, etc.) In real life, however, children can transform your meticulously planned—and $30,000 budgeted—reception into Chuck E. Cheese.
What if it’s just one or two?
Yeah, that’s not so bad. The real danger is when they accumulate critical mass—more than four, say—and race around, play games, whoop and holler, and have “fun.” This is despicable.
Really? That’s pretty dark, dude.
It depends on your reception. If you want a more stylish reception with good friends, good music, good atmosphere and good memories, yes, kids will hijack the evening. If you want an afternoon bonanza that Grandma will cherish, fine, bust out the kazoos.
What else do you have against kids?
Look. It’s not that we hate children. (Some of us here at Plunge Headquarters are dads.) But think about the costs. These little runts can’t tell the difference between shrimp consommé and Chef Boyardee. If you invite 10 kids, you’re wasting around $1,000 that’s better spent on premium liquor, a better band, a tuxedo, etc. Plus, odds are, their parents will actually appreciate not having to deal with them for a night. You’re doing them a favor.
Okay, how do I tell people that children are not welcome?
Spin the negative into a positive. Say that children are welcome for the ceremony, and for out-of-town guests who are traveling with children, daycare will be provided. Just cordon off an area of your reception for a makeshift nursery. Your guests will get the hint.
Next up: the verdict on inviting your co-workers.
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Picture this: You have a videographer that cost almost $2000 just to tape your ceremony. When you get the edited tape, your camera man smiles with embarrassment and says: "I did all I could." Guess what, you can't hear your vows, the preacher, or the song your sister sang for you because it sounds like a preschool gone bad in the background. Though its nice to think prents will have respect and REMOVE the screaming child from the area, its usually more like the child screams, and the parents say "Tommy, stop it!" for twenty minutes before they are finally removed.
I agree completely. Tell your friends you'll provide a babysitter, food and a safe location for their kids so they can have a great night out alone. Really, a professional babysitter (think preschool teachers - hire two, its just cruel to do that to one person) will cost about $150 with the food. Provide Disney movies, and color books, crayons, card boards boxes - giant and regular size - and a mass amount of blankets and pillows (for when they tucker out) and you have an adult affair that's enjoyable, and scream free. Plus, you save $50 - $150 a head. That's a lot of money for 14 kids....
Kiddies...
Just say no.. to kids.
Some tactics we used for our recent kid-free wedding...
2) Reinforce it on the RSVP card (this is key, IMHO). It's very hard for your guests to be confused (or feign confusion) about who's invited when the RSVP card contains the phrase "2 seats are reserved in your honor" in plain black and white.
3) Be sure to spread the "adults only" word to both sets of parents. If some relative hints about how little Aiden/Jaiden/Caiden is looking forward to the wedding, they can reign in that shit right away.
4) If you have to confront someone about it, it's much harder for people to protest if you stay positive. Avoid saying things like "NO kids allowed" or "You CAN'T bring so-and-so". Use the "nice night out" approach, and tell them you want your wedding to be an opportunity for your guests to enjoy themselves without the burden of worrying about the kids.
Not one rugrat showed up at our wedding, and we didn't even need to write "Adult Reception" on the invite. Good luck!
kids? what?
don't do it
a BIG Groomzilla