The Name Game: If She Won’t Take Yours

Admit it. You’re afraid of being that emasculated guy whose wife won’t take his name. Need some arguments? We’ve got ‘em.

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Here at The Plunge, we've evolved. We've listened. And we've collected a nice stack of hate mail--some from family, some from strangers. This is clearly one article that has struck a nerve. And while we don't necessarily agree with all the feedback we've read, we've done a lot of thinking about this particular topic. Frankly, the passion of our female readers on "name changing" inspires us, teaches us, and reminds us why we love them in the first place.

Originally we made light of this topic. Mistake. In retrospect, we did you a disservice by making you think you could take it lightly and survive. You can't. And despite some claims to the opposite, we like to skewer the process of wedding planning, not the sanctity of your relationship.

If this issue is a complication for you--and there are strong opinions on both sides--our advice is to tread very, very, very carefully. The truth is, if you and your mate are an ocean apart on what to do here, you should probably check for compatibility in other critical areas. Go back over your attitudes and expectations on major issues (see Is She The One?)

Still troubled?

What are your concerns? Lemme guess. At the risk of offending our more delicate readers, you're worried that if she doesn't take your name, then you look like a pussy.

Get over it. You're not any less of a man because she wants to keep her own name (more on that below.) But let's say, for whatever valid or invalid reason, it really, really bothers you that she won't take the name. How hard should you push? And if you lose this battle, does that make you an emasculated wimp? Does this mean that she wears the pants in this relationship, drives the car, grills the steaks and decides how to invest your 401(k)? (As an aside, if a woman grilled me steaks and chauffeured me around while I got wasted, plus researched mutual funds in her spare time, I'd marry her on the spot. Keep that in mind.)

In a word: no. Whether or not you and your wife have the same name says nothing about your masculinity.

There are options to consider as compromise: doing nothing, making up a new commingled last name, hyphenating both your names, you taking her name (hopefully it happens to be one that helps you get great restaurant reservations).

Our best advice to you?

Deal with it. Not to get all Oprahy, but you love this woman for a reason, and part of the reason, we're guessing, is that she's intelligent and feisty and strong. A desire to keep her own name is part of the whole package; take the good with the bad. This doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or is embarrassed by you or secretly wants to abandon you; it means that she has a very, very strong sense of self, which is, well, sexy.

For more tactical considerations on the actual name-changing process, check out this nuts-and-bolts article from the NY Times.

Disagree? Have a different take? Comment below or hit us at Drowning@ThePlunge.com.

Another complication you might have to deal with: if the best man is derelict in his duties.

Follow The Plunge on Twitter: http://twitter.com/ThePlunge_com

Comments (27)

whaaat, Low-rated comment [Show]

...

I think above all else its a cultural thing. In South Korea, women do not take their husband's last names. Nobody thinks the less of it. I personally wouldnt want my wife to keep her last name, the concept is foreign to me.

Biotite, June 26, 2009

As a soon to be wed lady, I chose not to take my fiance's name. Why? Because my last name is awesome. I'm in law school, and what better lawyer last name than that of a predatory bird?

His last name? Something kinda ghey and frenchy (he's not even remotely french.) It just sounds so pretentious.

So predatory bird or pretencious frenchie? I'd rather be a predatory bird. RAWR>

Stephanie, July 15, 2009

My fiancee and I had this conversation, because I happen to like my last name. I think we're on hyphenation this week.

Midori, July 28, 2009

-1

..., Low-rated comment [Show]

Hey Stephanie

Birds usually "caw" or "squawK' not "rawr"

kchaikin, August 18, 2009

Well said.

Rexx, September 17, 2009

It's a new age.

Women can take their husband's name, choose to keep their own, or (heaven forbid) the husband can even take his wife's name. Its a new age. Men and women are equal, and everything is fair game. Men don't have a right to expect their women to take their names anymore. The last name is a choice that couples need to make together. The article is spot-on when it says that couples who are having serious problems over this issue should analyze their relationship in general, and make sure they're ready to take the big plunge after all.

Abby, September 20, 2009

Middle Name

I'm very attached to my last name, so I'm changing it to be a 3rd middle name.
I have a first name (obviously), a middle name, a 2nd middle name (mom's maiden name) and then my last name (my maiden name).
Women on my mothers side do this, I think its great!

Bailey, October 27, 2009

-2

We didn't have to have this conversation, this will be my second marriage and I am soooo ready to be done with my ex's last name! But this time I have learned a few things. When I change my name this time I think I am going to drop my exs last name pick up his last name and hyphenate my middle name and my maiden last name. What do y'all think?

His future Mrs., December 08, 2009

Let her decide

I think it's a conversation that should be had between the couple, but ultimately, it's HER name. Besides, do you even have a clue what women have to go through to change their name.... passport, social security card, drivers license, etc...

I'm very proud of my name and my fiance and I have decided that I should keep my name.

Soon to be bride, December 11, 2009

Women have no right to deny their husband's name, Low-rated comment [Show]

okay, so screw all traditions. learn to compromise.

hayleed, February 01, 2010

Personal preference

I just think it's personal preference and a choice that women make. Just as much their right as choosing to marry. A lot-a lot of women do it out of tradition, they grow up replacing their last name with their boyfriends, just to see how it would sound. I honestly did this for a long time. Until I got to be about 20 and I realized that my last name has a lot to do with my identity. It is a very Italian last name and I don't want to lose that (granted even if I married an Italian man I'd still keep my last name). I don't hold any less respect for my fiance because I'm choosing to keep my name, I just don't respect the tradition. It's a tradition of property...ownership...I'm not changing ownership, I'm sharing my life with someone. Oh and it's a tradition mostly held in the US, many other cultures don't have this tradition (Italy for instance). We're just stuck in a rut. I was very happy when my fiance didn't care that I wasn't taking his last name, I'm expecting some lip from his mom though.

Guys who are having a hissy fit, take a step back and analyze what this means to your fiancee. I imagine if you force the issue on her she'll be unhappy with her new last name for a very long time...and do you really want her to look at her new name with displeasure? The ring on her finger and the marriage certificate are what signify that she's married to you, not a last name.

Liz D, February 04, 2010

SCREW new age, Low-rated comment [Show]

same boat

My fiance wants to keep her ex-husbands last name as well. I was totally hurt at the thought! I had no idea she felt that way before I proposed to her. At first she said she was just kidding about not wanting to take on my last name but last night she brought it up again and said she's conflicted about changing her last name cause of her 2 children son 19, daughter 12. Her son has already moved out of the house. I understand that she wants to relate with her children, but she will always be their mother regardless of her last name. She says she doesn't want to alienate her children. I have 2 daughters 16 and 13 that have my last name. I guess I am a traditionalist (not in the ideas that a woman should be at home barefoot and pregnant). I feel that if she wants to be my wife she would take my last name. I told her that I would understand if she had a great maiden name that she didn't want to change it, but this is her EX-HUSBANDS last name. To a man that seems like she's still carrying a torch for the ex or for his family. I don't think that's the case here but that's how a man see's it. I'll admit it it's a pride thing!!! I want to be a proud husband, but how do you introduce your wife with her ex husbands name??? That's a blow to the pride. I am very proud of my last name it is very unique, anyone with our last name is related. There are around 200 of us world wide. Its not just a common name that many people have and few are related (like Gonzales, Smith, Black etc.). Her ex-husbands last name is very ordinary. So I don't see why the hesitation, other than for her children. But like I said her oldest is out of the house and her daughter will someday get married and change her name, then what? I think that it's very important to many of us men to have our wives take our last name and be proud to be apart of our families. I think that its kind of an insult to the family if she chooses not to embrace the family name. I haven't made any ultimatums nor will I. I know that it's her choice, But I will tell you that I would really be heart broken if she doesn't change her name. I was even willing to compromise and ask if she would take her ex husbands last name as a middle name then put mine as her last. She said she would think about it. What do you all think? I'm trying not to seem unreasonable here. And I come here with a good heart, so I don't want to get a bunch of hate mail from feminist that want to put me down. I'm a good man that spoils his woman and loves her very much. But I'm having some issues with the ex's last name. Thanks.

Bogiver, April 26, 2010

does kristin nicole zeledon sound right to you people its my husbands last name

cristine, May 06, 2010

One-sided male bashing much?

Frankly, I'm offended by the tone of your article.

Did it ever occur to anyone that the man wanting the woman to take his last name was incredibly romantic symbol to him (and possibly for her as well). For whatever reason, it became a symbol of a bond in his mind (and obviously cultures).
Is it the most romantic symbol of love? No. Should make or break a strong relationship? No.

But for the sake of ending the ridiculous gender wars, stop assuming its a matter of being less of a "man". And stop picking all the buzz words you can think of just to inflame the issue. We're not guarding our "head of the household status", nor are we protecting our "grilled steak" (really? what the....).

Some of us (dare I say most of us, though we may not always articulate it well) just feel an attachment to parts of tradition. Lambasting us over it in an insulting tone is NOT going to change minds (no matter what you're gender). Bah, so much for compassion.

Noname, September 10, 2010

agree with noname

I have no problem with women who want to keep their maiden names, especially for professional reasons. However, I am really excited to take my fiance's last name when we get married in 3 weeks. I think it is romantic and traditional. As we have been living together and sharing our lives for about 3 years now, changing my name is a way for me to officially change the status of our relationship. I will become his wife and he will be my husband. We will be linked by law and by having the same name. :)

FutureWifey, September 10, 2010

Marriage is a Tradition, Low-rated comment [Show]

More than a name

I am pretty open minded on most things, but this is one issue that just today became very ugly in our household. My fiancee and I are getting married in 2 weeks and I just now have learned she is unwilling to take my name. She says she likes her name, that it is a hassle to change it and that it is an old and useless tradition to change your last name when married. As much as I love this woman her reasons for this seem selfish to me and try as I might to understand them I only resent her for them.
My first marriage ended in divorce and my ex wife changed her name 4 times for each husband. It made it difficult for me and our daughter. In that situation as my ex wife was "awarded" custody I felt that I was cheated in being able to truly be a father to my daughter. Family to me is the most important thing in the world to me. When I was young my grandfather instilled the belief that my last name was very important and that I should be proud to carry it. That is one of the few things my grandfather left me before he died, and it means more to me than I think my fiancee comprehends.
I can't force her to do it, and even if I could I wouldn't want to, but I also fear that I will resent her the rest of my life if she doesn't make this heavily symbolic gesture. She is independent, feisty, and stubborn and I both love her for it and am irritated by it at times. I really want her to understand the symbolic importance of this name change to me and give it due consideration. I feel as though her stubbornness and independent nature have caused her to dismiss my feelings in the matter.

ChrisA, October 01, 2011

a matter of personal choice

My future husband doesn't care about any of this petty bullshit. He only cares that we always are best friends and loving partners.
I am, however, choosing to change my name because my own last name doesn't mean much to me due to my own family history, and because I will enjoy having the same last name as him and our future offspring.
He respects me in all the ways that really matter. My "independent nature" is what he looks for in a wife. He doesn't want to be my father or my boss, and I wouldn't want to be with anybody that did.

Lotus, December 11, 2011

p.s.

Also wondering why people wait until two weeks before the wedding to find out that they don't know basic things about the person they supposedly know well enough to have decided to spend their lives with? I wonder why the divorce rate is so high...

Love gives away, moves on, and is first to sacrifice. Love = Sacrifice

This defies the concept of love. It may be petty, but for those that it does matter, it truly defies the concept of love from a potential wife to her husband. This is generally a cultural issue, however, much of its purpose, to share the same name, is to venture into a new family in a new direction of purpose and to ultimately set apart from each one's family. If a woman and a man is to plan to become one and leave their past (family) and set apart to build an empire (stage 5 relationship), the deeper meaning behind the change of the last name is important. The people who see it as simply a name, do not understand what is indeed being discussed and miss the point entirely. What would be seen is that there is a pattern of behavior in other areas within a relationship that is that of competition and not honor, respect, and commitment. What is being said, is that if you love a man (to the women) enough to make a lifetime commitment to him, to take on his and your shared mission, taking his name is a step toward proving love. Not out of fear or control, but out of the pure art of giving and receiving. The most honor that a man can give is his last name. A woman that does not find value in such a gift, does not understand its value and this will in other ways come out to haunt the marriage in the long run. The biggest change in a person's life is making a priority commitment to one's spouse, not remaining a child and committing to one's parents. No matter how important family is or the reputation. You should not make the commitment if you cannot take the name.

Unkown, December 24, 2011

If family is more important than your spouse, your marriage will not last.

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