The Plunge Blog

I'm convinced that Hollywood is a game of Madlibs.

Studios create titles with a fill-in-the-blank methodology that produces gems like the just-announced "The Wedding Doctor," starring Nicole Kidman.  You can probably guess the premise and visualize the entire film, right?

From New York's Vulture: "Kidman would play a relationship analyst who advises couples on their interpersonal dynamics before they marry. But after she meets her latest clients, the doc decides she'd actually be a better match for the groom-to-be, triggering a showdown with his fiancée."

Really? Do we really need that movie?

When I think class, understatement, and taste, I think of the douchebags from The Jersey Shore.  And if I ever needed an extra gentleman to fill out my wedding ceremony, I know I'd invite Pauly D.

Apparently, a wise couple did just that. Or tried to. According to the New York Daily News, Pauly D was offered $50,000 to escort a California-bride down the aisle.

Even weirder? He refused.

Pauly D's representation told RadarOnline, "We rejected the offer, because Pauly is a serious DJ and all the other cast members are doing lots of personal appearances but Pauly D is not necessarily doing the personal appearances because he feels he has a lot to learn as a DJ. He does not want to be doing stuff that is unrelated to DJ-ing."

Did you hear? February 7^th kicks off "National Marriage Week." Outstanding. We can't wait for Human Week, Man Week, College Graduates Week, and People Who Drink Water Week.

So what does this week entail, exactly? Let's consult the experts.

According to the National Marriage Week official website, this blessed timeframe "is a collaborative effort to encourage many diverse groups to strengthen individual marriages, reduce the divorce rate, and build a stronger marriage culture, which in turn helps curtail poverty and benefits children."

Right. To clarify, and to cut down on some of the hate mail: we're not anti-marriage. We're also not anti-human, anti-man, and anti-people-who-drink-water. We are, however, lactose intolerant. And this is heavy on the cheddar.

Great news! You've probably been thinking, "Okay, maybe I'm finally ready to take the plunge, I can swallow my issues, I can commit, I can put up with wedding planning, I can really get behind all this junk... But.  But!  What if there was some gadget, some device, some electronic wonder that will automate the expression of my emotions?

Done and done! They've finally done it. The greatest minds in the field have collaborated, and in a mission that rivals the Manhattan Project, they have churned out a gizmo that will soon be obligatory for every groom.

Ready? It's the "Galvonic Skin Response Bouquet." What does it do, exactly? From the minds at CNet:

The electrode-equipped Galvanic Skin Response bouquet doesn't give the couple much question about wearing their hearts on their sleeves: a blue LED glows when they're calm but a white one turns on when the nerves or excitement kick in.

You might not know it, but your fiancée has just picked up a foreign language.

Over at all the "wedding forums," the brides use a confusing, jumbled system of abbreviations that would, we suspect, impress the sonar-encryption-scientists from World War II.

Every now and then, it's possible that she might slip these into her emails or texts with you.

Here's how to crack their code:

We'll admit it. We're biased.

In our opinion, by definition, any "wedding story" is a "dumb wedding story."

There's maybe a "good" wedding story once every 20 years, like the time when... um... okay, so maybe there's a good wedding story once every millennium, like when King Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn. Now that's a good wedding story.

The 5 Dumbest Wedding Stories of 2009:

Earlier today, the delivery guy dropped off a thick magazine full of wedding paraphernalia. We like these magazines. They're good for kindling, spitballs, and emergency toilet paper.

Before we used the magazine for something useful, though, we peeked inside it. And we were horrified to find some cheesy, outrageous accessories not just for the bride, but for the groom.

It dawned on us... Some men might actually buy this. 

Allow us to intervene.

Thank God! It's finally here! The three most anticipated events of December are the arrival of Santa, the annual late-season fizzle from Brett Favre, and the release of new survey results from Brides magazine. Bring it!

Before we get to the hard numbers, let's get some perspective, and let's look at Brides' overall observation about the state of weddings. From their press release:

"The stuffy by-the-rule-book wedding of years past has completely vanished. There is a woman in white, music, food, cake and vows - but every other aspect of the American wedding has been reconsidered. The New American Wedding presents itself as an unlikely, but decade defining, combination of the fundamentally traditional with the wildly original."

If you know what that means, please email me at Editor@theplunge.com.

Sweet Jesus. It was only a matter of time.

Yesterday, we saw that a couple filmed a porno to pay for their wedding. Today, it looks like our long-running joke actually turned into a reality: a groom Twittered his wedding. Stay classy!

And, of course, there's a YouTube clip of the whole event (below).

Here's what happened. Immediately after the officiant said, "...I now pronounce you, husband and wife. What God has joined together, let no one separate," the groom reached into his jacket, whipped out his cell, and changed his status update on Facebook. Then he gave his bride her cell phone, and she did the same thing.

Um... usually when we refer to "wedding-porn," it's metaphorical. It's our affectionate term for that pile of magazines, books, and websites like The Knot and its ilk.

"Wedding-Porn" is not, generally, referring to sweaty bride-on-bride action, usher-orgies, or frosty-wedding-cake-covered fellatio.  (Although... sometimes we wonder. When we bother to get all businessey, we look at our traffic reports, and we see how people found The Plunge. A disturbing number seemed to actually be searching for "Wedding Porn." Hmmm... Maybe we're in the wrong business...)

Anyway.

A British couple had trouble paying for a wedding. And as my old grand-pappy used to say, "If you're broke, make a sex-tape." So they did.

Wanna be a Hollywood producer? It's easy. You only have two jobs. 1) Scrounge up $10 million bucks. 2) Churn out a movie with "Wedding" in the title.

It's that simple. Don't bother reading the script. Don't bother asking... "Hmmm... will this be any good?" Don't sweat the small stuff. Instead, have the unshakable confidence that no matter what you do, no matter who you cast, no matter how god-awful the premise, you will turn a profit.

I know what you're thinking. "Yeah....but... I don't have $10 million." Good point. But there are many, many people who do. And they observe the second rule, throw in a wedding--and voila!--you have yourself a flick.

Today's outburst comes courtesy of the news that Catherine Bell and Chris Potter (who and who?) will star in "The Good Witch's Wedding," to air on The Hallmark Channel. In fairness, we suppose, this is what The Hallmark Channel does. You can't blame McDonald's for selling junky 99 cent burgers--demand creates supply.

Maybe you've heard of it. Hopefully you haven't. In short: the trend is called "Trash the Dress." It's oh-so-hip for a bride, newlywed and non-traditional, to make a big artsy show of desecrating her $1,000+ dress, which is supposed to symbolize... well, we're not sure, exactly. But something important. Something daring.

This usually involves gritty, dark photographs, and provocative imagery like the video here. It's controversial. Some brides love it. Some hate it. Our take? Meh. It's sort of against our principles to have any thoughts on dresses, period, one way or the other.  (Although if you're going to do anything with the dress after the wedding, why not, you know, resell it?)

The takeaway? We love how any "trend"--regardless of how absurd, counterintuitive, and implausible--can become a "trend" with the right amount of groupthink.

In that vein, we suggest 5 equally rational new wedding traditions:

Today, we bring you something a little different.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, a good chunk of our Ask the Expert column explores readers' concerns about lap dances, bachelor parties, and trust. For example, a groom ticked off his woman when he got a lap dance (against her wishes), and he asked our advice. We gave it. 

And then we started thinking... what would our counterparts say, the ones in the wedding industry? What the hell. We decided to find out. From time to time, for a bit of perspective, we'll be opening the portal to bizarro world and getting the thoughts of--[gasp!]--an actual wedding site, you know, the kind for chicks. 

Don't worry. We haven't gone soft. This is an exchange program, of sorts. We'll also be on their site and giving our (at times obnoxious) advice to brides. A sort of He said, She said.  Also, to be fair, the wedding website, OneWed.com, is just about as down to earth a wedding site as you can find. Maybe you'll agree with her. Maybe you'll be outraged by her. Who knows.  But as Ben Affleck said when signing on to Gigli, what could go wrong? 

Here's the problem with porn: sometimes, it's inaccessible.

Let's say you're stuck in an office meeting, for example, reviewing your numbers for the 3rd Quarter budget. In an ideal world, you'd simply ignore the charts and whip out your porn. In most work environments, however, this is frowned upon.

Enter the iPhone. Thanks to this marvelous gadget, you can watch videos of your favorite fetish--like girl-on-girl, poolboy-on-housewife, cheerleader-on-dwarf, whatever--right there in the meeting, with your boss thinking you're checking e-mail.

Quick aside to this lengthy aside: yes, these actually exist. (Or so "my friend" tells me.) How else to explain sites like iPhonePornGrid.com (NSFW, obviously), which has this lovely chunk of copy:

"With 4500+ free iPhone porn movies and erotic galleries of teens, lesbians and other hotties iPhone Porn Grid can meet most of your mobile porn needs."

We're not sure what is more spectacular: 1) the construction "mobile porn needs," or 2) their candor for acknowledging that these 4,500 videos will meet most, but perhaps not all, of your mobile porn needs.

Aaaaannnnnyway. Back to weddings.

Just as with actual porn, your fiancée's 45,982 books, magazines, and websites of "wedding-porn" aren't getting it done. No sir. What if you're stuck on the subway, and you have an urgent need to peruse the latest trends in ice sculptures?  Catastrophe. Enter the iPhone wedding apps.

They've been trickling into the App store all year, and the NY Daily News has a rundown of all the options:

Brides' Dressing Room is just one of a slew of new apps cranked out for prenewlyweds. While you can't get hitched on your iPhone yet, you can practically plan everything else.

For the Type-A Bride
The mother of all bridal apps, iWedding is a digital planner that helps brides keep track of everything on their to-do list, from seating arrangements and vendor payments to ceremony timing. $7.99

For the Voyeuristic Bride
Whether you're a bride-to-be looking for inspiration, or just enjoy looking at pictures of other people's weddings, Wedding Envi is the app for you. Users can scroll through hundreds of Web-based wedding pictures, including flowers, dresses and honeymoons...

Two things happened on the evening of October 5, 2009:

1) The Packers/Vikings game. The Favre game. The most anticipated October NFL game in years.

2) The 2009 Great Bridal Expo.  Unfamiliar with the Expo? Close your eyes and imagine your deepest, darkest fears: snakes, rotten meat, a naked Robin Williams, whatever. Now, imagine 200 vendors heckling you, badgering you, trying to sell you your biggest fear—that’s right, 200 vendors selling you snakes and a naked Robin Williams.

To top it all off? Your fiancée is actually sympathetic to the vendors, begging you to spend $30,000 buying naked Robin Williams. And now imagine that you have to wait in a 300-person line for this privilege.

Welcome to the Great Bridal Expo.

And every guy who came here, by definition, opted for the Expo over the Packers/Vikings game. Are they good sports, victims, pushovers, Groomzillas, or enlightened men who would rather support their woman than watch a meaningless contest? Exactly: pushovers.

We're guessing that most of you opted to avoid this Bridal Freakshow. So we took the bullet and chronicled what you need to know.

Important disclaimer: as with last time, this blog is no more "live" than the Expo is "great."