The Plunge Blog

A reader asks us:

"What do you guys think about honeymoon sweepstakes? Any tips or ideas? Any sweepstakes?

I know your advice on this is that this isn't going to be our best vacation ever, but I'm seriously wanting to get the heck out of dodge and the only way we can afford it... would most likely be through a sweepstakes of some sort."

_______

A reader writes:

"Yes, I'm a woman (gasp!) and you didn't scare me away. Nice try.

"It's like this: Neither my fiance or myself really care about the wedding or wedding planning. We both care about marrying each other and that's it. I know I want some kind of wedding, but planning is like pulling teeth. I don't give a fu#k what kind of flowers are in my bridesmaids' bouquets and 80% of me wishes I could just wear jeans.

"Problem: Both of our families are INSISTENT that we have a "real wedding". His grandmother would most likely have a heart attack if we didn't (his father eloped... twice). I like the woman. She's cool. I don't want her to die. We're going traditional on payment (wedding - my parents, booze and rehearsal dinner - his parents), but yeah, both families are insisting on a "real" wedding, and my parents honestly aren't that thrilled about the marriage to begin with.

We hate New Year's Resolutions. They strike us as cheesy and obvious and trite. And a little arbitrary, no? Why not March 17th Resolutions or St. Patrick's Day Resolutions? After all, you're pretty much the same dude on January 1st as you were on December 31st, just a little older, a little poorer, and a billion times more hung over. Not much changes. In a sense, New Year's Resolutions are to self-improvement what Valentine's Day is to romance.

Then again... be honest. Did you make resolutions on St. Patrick's Day? Did you actually think about self-improvement throughout the year? Me neither.

This list is not life-changing. It's not earth-shattering. But self-improvement, like nearly all improvement, is incremental.

Most of this list applies for all men. Sprinkled in are a few for guys getting married.

1. Go to the gym for the first 7 days of January, then stop.
Why bullshit yourself? Let's call it like it is. Every item on this list is something you can actually do without overhauling your schedule, habits, finances, or relationship.

2. Filter your Twitter.
A good rule of thumb: If at least 5 people won't find your thought interesting, don't Twitter it, Mutter it.

3. Don't be a Favre.
Commit or don't commit. But don't play Hamlet with your lady.

4. Surprise her with an omelet.

5. Don't freak out if she's freaking out.
It's natural. And after the wedding, she'll return to normal. For perspective, when you watch a football game you scream obscenities, your face gets all red and scary, and you yell at players who are 2,000 miles away and wouldn't listen to you anyway. And somehow she still accepts you. (Now if only the wedding planning could be condensed into three hours...) More on Bridezilla here.

6. Visit your family...
...When you don't have to. So on a weekend besides Thanksgiving or whatever, arrange a low-stress visit that's unfettered by ceremony.

7. Get a new suit.
Not something for job interviews, but something stylish and casual for your punishing schedule of social events. Get it tailored. Splurge on a new tie and well-fitted dress shirt--the details count.

8. Don't be "That Guy."
You know That Guy. He brags about expensive shit he just bought, he kisses up to the boss, and, in all likelihood, he can't stop talking about how awesome his wedding will be. Never be That Guy.

9. Take up smoking.
It's fun. It's the perfect excuse to take a break from work. And cigarettes are medically proven to have fewer calories, fat, and carbohydrates than fruit or vegetables.

10. Don't do everything you see on dumb New Year's Resolution Lists.
Like the above. And if you meet the dual criteria of: 1) smoker; 2) getting married, use this as your final, ironclad reason to quit. You're now in a family, so you're infesting them with nicotine, too. Also? You started smoking so you could look cool. You'll soon be married. You no longer have to look cool.

You'll find 11 - 50 here. Enjoy.

Alcohol is the lifeblood of your reception. You could blow $40,000 on ice sculptures, a coveted venue, and flowers coming out the officiant's ass, but if you run out of booze, suddenly the party craters at 8pm and everyone leaves unsatisfied.

So. While we typically recommend a "big picture" approach to wedding planning that frees you from the nitty-gritty, in this case, you'll want to get your hands dirty. Know the right ratios, the right brands, the right balance between quantity and quality.

For our guide, we've enlisted wine consultant Tyler Haas. In his professional capacity, Tyler "tastes" up to 100 wines and beers a month including--on the clock!--a $1,900 bottle of cognac. We hate him.  Then again, he's also stuck dealing with the hell that is wedding planning, so maybe it all balances out.

Taking a break from tasting cognac, Tyler sobered up to answer our many, many questions on wine, alcohol, and wedding-booze protocol.

A reader writes:

"Awesome article on choosing between a band and a DJ.  My fiancée and I decided the DJ route is the way to go for us, but now it's my job to pick the most kick ass DJ St. Louis has to offer. 

Do you have any tips on choosing between different DJs.  Oh, and none of them will let you attend a function they are putting on, disrespectful to the clients (or something like that).

Thanks for the help and the laughs."


You found some good news. Do you really want to attend random functions of random people you don't know, just to hear the random DJ? I mean, yes, that would be helpful for your decision, and yes, we (half-heartedly) recommend doing just that. But trust us--you dodged a bullet. It's sort of like if you go on a beach vacation and "forget" your jogging shoes. Oh no, you can't go jogging, you have to sleep in, instead. Damn.

Plenty of experts suggest that you get technical. They instruct you to ask your DJs about his sub-woofers, about the specs of his lighting system, etc.  Screw that. You're not really going to know what you're talking about, and he'll secretly laugh at you.

The three most important ways to choose a DJ: 1) References; 2) References; 3) References.

Ask other friends who have recently gotten married. Ask your other vendors.  Hell, as geeky as this sounds, even ask your co-workers. If all that yields nothing, you're stuck doing things the old-fashioned way: google.

And we know, we know, it's a crapshoot. When we just googled Best St. Louis wedding DJs, we got 87 pages of shot-in-the-dark, standalone businesses. A better option: check out sites like OneWed.com or MyWedding.com, which aggregate vendors and provide user reviews.  In this case, there's something to the wisdom of crowds. Call me lazy, but if I see one vendor who has 17 user reviews with an average of 4.7, and they charge the same as the dude with only 1 rating (2 stars), well, that's not exactly an agonizing decision. Why over-think it, right?

That said, there are some things you want to ask your potential DJ. Don't sweat the technical stuff, but you should, however, get a feel for their style. What's their request policy? Do they act as a larger-than-life MC, or do they just spin and grin? Personalities matter. If they seem like a coked-up hipster who will scare the holy hell out of your grandmother, don't use 'em. Ask for references. Watch their demo reel.  If you get a good vibe, if the user reviews are positive, if you like his MC style, and if his references check, you can go to sleep knowing you've done your homework.

If you still need more specific help, just give us a shout. Anyone else have any suggestions? Sound off in the Comments.

(And for anyone who hasn't yet read it, don't miss Picking the Music: Band or DJ?)

A reader writes:

"First off, your site is great, and has helped me get through the engagement and we're now 3 weeks from my wedding.  My family is giving the rehearsal dinner, and I was wondering who is supposed to give toasts and whether I need to give a toast at both the wedding and the rehearsal dinner, and if so, how do I do that without recycling the same anecdotes and stories? 

"Please don't give me the bullshit that a rehearsal dinner "is whatever you want it to be."  I don't mind public speaking, but do I need to do it twice in two days, and how do I apply your rules for speeches to each event, without boring the people who were there the night before?"

_________

A reader writes:

"My soon-to-be fiance and her family got the idea to use her late grandmother's wedding diamonds for her engagement ring and wedding bands.

"This adds sentiment to the ring as well as lowers costs to yours truly, so I'm on board with it.

A reader writes:

"I proposed to my girlfriend a couple of months ago and she has been dying to start the planning of the wedding, but i keep on delaying the planning because i really want to graduate college and get a job so i can afford a great wedding for us.

"She understands but is extremely frustrated about it.

"I was wondering if there is anything i could do that could do to make her feel any better about this?"

"Every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.

Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong."

- George Costanza

As with everything else in life, we can glean valuable lessons about wedding planning from Seinfeld. Remember what happened when George picked out the envelopes? They were so cheap, so pathetic, that Susan licked the adhesive...and died.

You can learn from Costanza. Remember that episode where he did "The Opposite" of his instincts, reasoning that if every instinct is wrong, the opposite must be right? This is your move. We think it's unlikely that you will accidentally murder your fiancée, but when it comes to the dreaded Thank You notes, just do "The Opposite" of George's instincts.

George would: Insist on picking out the envelopes.

The Opposite: Get whatever the hell she wants. Who cares, right? By now, you should be familiar with this overarching theme of The Plunge: you need to pick your battles. This is the wrong war at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. Just get whatever Susan wants. Don't make this your Bay of Pigs.

George would: Write something like, "Thank you for the $15 gift card. I'll use it to pay for half the dinner that you ate."

The Opposite: Never mention specific dollars. Even if they actually gave you cash, just tactfully say "generous gift," not a hard dollar amount. Even if it's not generous, use the word generous. It's like telling an old hag that she looks nice: a benevolent lie. If they did give you cash, tell them what you're using it for: "We're saving up to convert the basement into a gimp dungeon... we'll be sure to let you come over and watch!"

Reader Dunndolo4life asks in The Forums:

"Long time no speak plunge.

"I have an idea for our wedding that everyone seems to think is the most ridiculous idea ever. (Sucking in air) Here goes......

"Now from my understanding, a wedding is a celebration of two people coming together in holy matrimony, or in simpler terms, two people who love each having a ceremony to celebrate their commitment or something along them lines am I right????

When you were born with a Y chromosome, you were blessed with the following advantages: standing urination, comfortable shoes, 10,000 years of higher wages, a superior (if imaginary) sense of direction, and, best of all, excusal from planning the wedding reception.

This is your fiancée's burden. You're (mostly) off the hook. So unlike the wedding-porn, we won't waste your time with 20 pages of tedium--when you should book the venue ("the earlier the better: 96 months in advance!!!"), questions to ask the vendors (yawn) or "insider's tips" like the importance--as if you would never consider this--of getting multiple quotes. (You think?)

There's only one catch. While your bride plans the reception, you need to make sure that's she also planning a party. You'll be eating the food, you'll be drinking the booze, you'll be dancing to the music. It's your job, as the groom, to make it feel like a party and not a ritual. So it behooves you to monitor the situation--from a safe distance--and keep your eyes peeled for signs of alarm.

Much can go wrong. Poor choices can be made. 10 warning signs that demand your attention:

Reader "Donnie Brasco" writes:

"Problem..... fiance and I picked out the tuxedos for myself and the groomsmen.  The Mother and Father of the Bride do not like our picks.  Now, we are second guessing them.  Should we switch the tuxs to make them happy (note, they are paying for the wedding)?

We picked grey tuxedos, with yellow ties and vests for the guys.  Ivory tie and vest for the groom."

_______

The main reason that we run this site is to get filthy, filthy rich.

The secondary reason is to help guys.

Since we're still waiting on the former, we'll have to settle for the latter.

But this isn't just to feed our egos. The guy also brings up a few excellent suggestions, mainly, a slideshow at the rehearsal and the merits of an early-morning flight.

People who know me--really know me--know that no matter my faults, no matter my character flaws (and there are many), at least you can say this:  I can be hard to shut up.

We prove this again on a new podcast, Grooms with a View, over at the Wedding Podcast Network.

Editor Jeff Wilser (me) has a sprawling conversation with Robert Allen about bachelor parties, relationship advice, and the pitfalls of being a groom.

Get the podcast here.

We've been accused of doing nothing but mock, jest, sit on the sidelines, and make fun of everything-wedding.

But that's not always true. It's only true 99% of the time. Every now and then, we do something useful, something constructive.

And that takes us to our Reader Comment of the Day, or what no one calls the "R-COD."

On our Groom's Wedding Planning Timeline: The Final Countdown, D writes: