The Plunge Blog

As regular readers now know, from time to time, we turn to one of the less-crazy bridal sites, OneWed, for "her perspective."

From OneWed's Marta Segal Block: 

Unless you're marrying absolutely the wrong girl (and I know The Plunge has a test to help you figure that out), she doesn't really care about size. She doesn't care about your "shoe size" and she doesn't care about how big the rock in her ring is.

Now, if you have "big feet," you probably realized a long time ago that for a casual "dance encounter" you don't have to work quite as hard as someone with a "smaller shoe size." You hopefully also learned that in a relationship just having "big feet" isn't a substitute for actually learning a little bit about which "dance moves" work for your girlfriend. If you have "smaller feet," you hopefully learned that once you learn how to dance, size doesn't matter.

Yes, it's a cliché: the groom hates wedding planning. But some clichés are clichés because they're, well... true. Forget all the stories you heard about "Groomzilla." 99% of grooms aren't Groomzillas. They're just dudes getting married.

Normally we write for men. Normally we give them tools, tricks, and insights to survive the process. Today, we cross the line to help out you, The Bride. So how do you get your man on board?

5 Ways to get us involved:

1. Don't pretend the not-fun stuff is fun.

Don't whitewash the fence. Even if you're savvier than Tom Sawyer, usually, this tactic will backfire. We're just not buying it.  When you say, "Sweetie, it's going to be so much fun to select those ice sculptures!" you lose credibility. Don't pretend that the not-fun stuff is fun. (Like, say, evaluating the different packages of flowers.) In fact, go the opposite route, which leads us to...

As regular readers now know, from time to time, we turn to one of the less-crazy bridal sites, OneWed, for "her perspective." 

From OneWed's Marta Segal Block:

A couple of weeks ago over at OneWed.com we released our Top Ten Wedding Trends for 2010. I have to admit, I feel a little guilty about that. Most women who don't think of Marie Claire as their bible and aren't contestants on America's Next Top Model have a bit of mixed relationship with fashion and trends, and I don't want to add to the stress.

Although the dawn of the metrosexual has definitely increased the pressure on men to get a grip on current trends and fashions, the truth is that most men pick a look in high school and pretty much stick with it for the next 50 years. Don't believe me? Are you currently wearing any of the following: polo-type shirt, flannel shirt, button down shirt, sports/concert t-shirt, ball cap, white sneakers?  Yeah, I thought so.

Yes, we get the irony.

We realize that any website that touts articles like How Wedding-Porn is Brainwashing Your Fiancée, Your Reward for Suffering: Planning the Honeymoon, and Your Get Out of Wedding Free Card--Convincing Her to Elope...this kind of website, we admit, has no business telling you "not be sarcastic."

That said... don't be sarcastic.

If you have a little "prank" that you think will lighten up the wedding party? Don't. Just forget it. If you must, share the idea with your buddies. But don't actually do it.

A reader writes:

"Me an my fiancé are getting married. My daughter, who is 15, wants to make a toast at the reception... I can't find any wedding toast [for kids].

"Do you have any suggestions for her to use? Because he is the only dad she has. He raised her and she calls him Dad.

"Please help."

Like you, we're a little skeptical of "contests." (Unless it involves Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer storming into a room, slapping down a wad of cash, and screaming, "I'm out!")

When we think "contests" we have grizzly memories of Ed McMahon, the lottery, bingo, and the dregs of reality tv. (Like: "Who Wants to Dance with a Millionaire's Top Chef! Enter now to win!!!")

This one's a little different, and it might merit your attention. And maybe even your participation.

Our friends at OneWed have a contest that hinges around your proposal. Here's the good thing. It's not some random raffle or BS "1 in 7 will win!"  If you submit your story, and if the story is deemed better than the other stories, you win. 

It's not every day we encounter a story that will equally please fans of Battlestar Galactica, Malcolm Gladwell, and The Knot.

For thousands of years, we have known that our emotions impact our bodies. Our heart thumps, our brow sweats, our fingers twitch. The emotional translates to the physical. That's been true from Euripides to Shakespeare to Kanye West.

And, as technology improves, so does our ability to understand, measure, and quantify this relationship between the emotional and the physical.

When we feel joy, how does our body respond? Can we actually quantify how much we care, how much we love? Can science pin down the unscientific? Can Spock tame Cupid?

Don't do it. Stop right now. Down that road lies pain. You've seen the Victoria's Secret ads, you've trolled the Agent Provocateur website, and you've drooled over catwalk models in lusty, see-through chemises. And now you're thinking, "Hmm, that would look hot on my girl, too. I'll buy her some."

Turn back. Like something out of a bad Chuck Norris movie, you're volunteering for a suicide mission. Too many things can go wrong. You'll get the wrong size. An inappropriate style. An unflattering fit. You risk tears, resentment, fights and even breakups. So don't do it.

Still there? [Sigh.] Okay. It's possible to make it out alive, but you have to stick to a plan. The mission has three steps: Reconnaissance, Requisition, and Deployment.

But first thing's first. Get your head straight-you need to banish those Victoria's Secret images. Your girl is not one of those models (if she is, she's already got plenty of lingerie). Your brain is trying to graft her head onto Claudia Schiffer's body and that's only going to happen in PhotoShop. It's no longer about what you think is sexy. If you're committed to this fool's errand, your only hope is to figure out what will make her feel sexy. This is your guiding principle. Onto the mission.

Reconnaissance:

The basic spy work. This step is easy. Without getting busted (and awkwardly mistaken as a cross-dresser), you need to scope out her underwear drawer. As non-creepily as possible, you must gather a repository of intelligence-everything you will need for your mission. It will be overwhelming at first-different colors, fabrics, cuts, designs-but you can tighten your focus on a single point: her size.

The size is everything. Failure is not an option; if you get her something too small, she'll feel fat. As a rule of thumb, a woman doesn't feel sexy when she feels like a busted can of biscuits. So it can't be too small. And if it's too big? Then she'll think thatyou think she's fat-you see the Catch 22. So learn her size. Triple-confirm it as you root through her drawer. Check the tags on her gear: you're looking for a figure like 36C, indicating both the band size (number) and cup size (letter). Panty size (S, M, hopefully not XXXXL) is also valuable intel, but the bra size is mission-critical.

You should also note the colors, especially if you're still a rookie and haven't yet figured out what colors she likes to wear. (Then again...if you haven't gotten to that point, you probably shouldn't be rummaging through her dresser drawer, right?) Pay attention to the materials she owns: some women love lace, some find it irritating. Maybe your girl only struts in silk. Take note.

Try and get a sense for her adventurousness-just how wild is she? Does she have nightgowns or teddies? Thongs or tap pants? Are her bras strapless? Are the cups full or demi? Underwire or not? Write this intel down in a secure notebook. Sear the data into your brain. It's doable. If you can memorize the stats for your starting Running Backs and Wide Receivers in your fantasy football league, then yes, you can remember something like "36C, lace, crimson."

One more thing to look for. For whatever reasons, Victoria's Secret is a polarizing label-some women swear by it, some loathe it. See if she's got any Victoria's Secret; if not, that's not a coincidence, and you should instead target a smaller boutique.

There's one basic rule for all this recon: If you find it in her underwear drawer, she'll probably like something similar.

And click here to move on to the full article and the next phase of your mission: Requisition.

Some people say we've been a little tough on Valentine's Day. 

We cover ways to avoid being a cliché, why you shouldn't propose on V-Day, and 10 additional reasons why you, um, hate it.

Some people have also speculated that since we're Anti-Valentine's Day, we're also anti-romance, anti-love, anti-human. Nope. We're just Anti Being-Forced-Into-Obligatory-Traditions-That-Are-Sometimes-Lame.

That said... you can't avoid Valentine's Day. And especially not this year.

You know the obvious stuff.  You know the main reasons to hate Valentine's Day.

Expectations. Roses. Cliches. Love.  The happiness of others. These things give you indigestion.

There are also, however, some additional reasons to hate this "holiday," some new ways to fuel your spite. 

Because hate, like love, takes work. If you don't nurture your hate, keep it fresh, keep it spontaneous, soon you will feel nothing at all.

Reader jorr1104writes in The Forums:

"I just recently learned of complications with groomsmen.  We agreed early on that we'd have three people on both sides-her sister and two friends, and my brother with two friends. 

"No complaints there, three is a very manageable number.  I even found three other guys who could wear their uniforms with me.  The only problem is that now her sister has been causing all kinds of problems, and we don't even know if she's going to show up any more. 

"My fiancée decided to just cut her losses and go with her two friends as bridesmaids and leave it at that.  I'm definitely not disagreeing with her decision, but where does that leave me and my guys?"

We'll admit it. We like to think of ourselves as "experts," or, at the very least, guys who can fake it pretty well.

But when it comes to some subjects, we still know next to nothing.

Like, say, women. Or, more specifically--bridal psychology.

So, from time to time, our friends at OneWed--who have the distinct advantage of being female--will help us pull back the curtain, so to speak. From Marta Segal Block of OneWed.com: 

This week, a new study by the Pew Research Center heralds the "Rise of Wives," explaining that now, in stark contrast to 1970, wives tend to have better education, better salaries, and better-smelling bodies than their husbands. 

(The third one might be our own scientific observation.)

In short: years ago, in terms of cold-hard-cash, on balance, marriage helped out women more than men. Now that's (sort of) reversed. And a good chunk of that has to do, of course, with structural changes of women in the workplace, education, etc. The report says, "In the past, when relatively few wives worked, marriage enhanced the economic status of women more than that of men. In recent decades, however, the economic gains associated with marriage have been greater for men than for women."

4 quick thoughts:

A reader writes:

"Yes, I'm a woman (gasp!) and you didn't scare me away. Nice try.

"It's like this: Neither my fiance or myself really care about the wedding or wedding planning. We both care about marrying each other and that's it. I know I want some kind of wedding, but planning is like pulling teeth. I don't give a fu#k what kind of flowers are in my bridesmaids' bouquets and 80% of me wishes I could just wear jeans.

"Problem: Both of our families are INSISTENT that we have a "real wedding". His grandmother would most likely have a heart attack if we didn't (his father eloped... twice). I like the woman. She's cool. I don't want her to die. We're going traditional on payment (wedding - my parents, booze and rehearsal dinner - his parents), but yeah, both families are insisting on a "real" wedding, and my parents honestly aren't that thrilled about the marriage to begin with.

A long-time reader, who once asked us about how to handle the In-Laws and the Budget, now writes:

“I've got in-law issues! The issues aren't between me and them, but my fiancée and them.

“My fiancée is one of the middle children. She's got an older sister and two younger sisters. Her older sister is expecting a baby anytime now. And her two younger sisters both have medical issues. Because of all this, the attention naturally focuses on the other girls, and she tends to get ignored by her parents, particularly her mother, a lot.

“It's become quite an issue in my mind. Her relationship with her mother isn't healthy at all. She can't get any help with the wedding planning from her. She can't get the support that a daughter needs from her mother. There just isn't a real mother-daughter relationship there. She vents to me, but I don't know what to do. I do understand that she isn't asking me for a solution. She just wants to vent.