The Plunge Blog

Don't do it. Stop right now. Down that road lies pain. You've seen the Victoria's Secret ads, you've trolled the Agent Provocateur website, and you've drooled over catwalk models in lusty, see-through chemises. And now you're thinking, "Hmm, that would look hot on my girl, too. I'll buy her some."

Turn back. Like something out of a bad Chuck Norris movie, you're volunteering for a suicide mission. Too many things can go wrong. You'll get the wrong size. An inappropriate style. An unflattering fit. You risk tears, resentment, fights and even breakups. So don't do it.

Still there? [Sigh.] Okay. It's possible to make it out alive, but you have to stick to a plan. The mission has three steps: Reconnaissance, Requisition, and Deployment.

But first thing's first. Get your head straight-you need to banish those Victoria's Secret images. Your girl is not one of those models (if she is, she's already got plenty of lingerie). Your brain is trying to graft her head onto Claudia Schiffer's body and that's only going to happen in PhotoShop. It's no longer about what you think is sexy. If you're committed to this fool's errand, your only hope is to figure out what will make her feel sexy. This is your guiding principle. Onto the mission.

Reconnaissance:

The basic spy work. This step is easy. Without getting busted (and awkwardly mistaken as a cross-dresser), you need to scope out her underwear drawer. As non-creepily as possible, you must gather a repository of intelligence-everything you will need for your mission. It will be overwhelming at first-different colors, fabrics, cuts, designs-but you can tighten your focus on a single point: her size.

The size is everything. Failure is not an option; if you get her something too small, she'll feel fat. As a rule of thumb, a woman doesn't feel sexy when she feels like a busted can of biscuits. So it can't be too small. And if it's too big? Then she'll think thatyou think she's fat-you see the Catch 22. So learn her size. Triple-confirm it as you root through her drawer. Check the tags on her gear: you're looking for a figure like 36C, indicating both the band size (number) and cup size (letter). Panty size (S, M, hopefully not XXXXL) is also valuable intel, but the bra size is mission-critical.

You should also note the colors, especially if you're still a rookie and haven't yet figured out what colors she likes to wear. (Then again...if you haven't gotten to that point, you probably shouldn't be rummaging through her dresser drawer, right?) Pay attention to the materials she owns: some women love lace, some find it irritating. Maybe your girl only struts in silk. Take note.

Try and get a sense for her adventurousness-just how wild is she? Does she have nightgowns or teddies? Thongs or tap pants? Are her bras strapless? Are the cups full or demi? Underwire or not? Write this intel down in a secure notebook. Sear the data into your brain. It's doable. If you can memorize the stats for your starting Running Backs and Wide Receivers in your fantasy football league, then yes, you can remember something like "36C, lace, crimson."

One more thing to look for. For whatever reasons, Victoria's Secret is a polarizing label-some women swear by it, some loathe it. See if she's got any Victoria's Secret; if not, that's not a coincidence, and you should instead target a smaller boutique.

There's one basic rule for all this recon: If you find it in her underwear drawer, she'll probably like something similar.

And click here to move on to the full article and the next phase of your mission: Requisition.

A reader writes:

"Okay I want a bachelor party......and my girl doesn't care if I have one. I was thinking of going to the strip club with the fellas having a couple of drinks, going home and playing cards/X-box 360/ Bones (dominoes).....the works ya know?

"But my girl has a problem with the strip club.....and strippers period. I see it as since this is basically my last moment of freedom and we both know I aint going to do something I shouldn't......like "sleep" with the stripper, I don't see the problem. Can I get some honest opinions on this please?"

Let's take a step back.  Let's break down your perspective, and then her perspective.

A reader writes:

"First of all, love your website. Yep, I'm a chick, I hate wedding porn. I find it obnoxious. I love how honest this website is.

"I have a question. It's about my fiancé...I'm torn. Maybe it's just a dream of mine but I'd like to think he can have as much fun at the wedding as I can. Maybe not in the planning process, but at least AT the wedding. I'm trying my damnedest to keep his spirit involved even if he is not necessarily planning things.

 A reader writes:

"Wedding is in a month or so. I get a job offer cross country that I can't turn down and they want me to start before then.

My fiancée is totally cool with it and is excited to go. But she can't go because all the wedding planning and finalizing everything needs to be done. So I'm going to be flying back the day before the wedding for the rehearsal dinner.

A reader writes:

"Yes, I'm a woman (gasp!) and you didn't scare me away. Nice try.

"It's like this: Neither my fiance or myself really care about the wedding or wedding planning. We both care about marrying each other and that's it. I know I want some kind of wedding, but planning is like pulling teeth. I don't give a fu#k what kind of flowers are in my bridesmaids' bouquets and 80% of me wishes I could just wear jeans.

"Problem: Both of our families are INSISTENT that we have a "real wedding". His grandmother would most likely have a heart attack if we didn't (his father eloped... twice). I like the woman. She's cool. I don't want her to die. We're going traditional on payment (wedding - my parents, booze and rehearsal dinner - his parents), but yeah, both families are insisting on a "real" wedding, and my parents honestly aren't that thrilled about the marriage to begin with.

Good news.

Despite a gazillion tv-shows, blogs, movies, magazines, books, and, we're obliged to say, even websites like this one that perpetuate the "Bridezilla" stereotype... most brides simply don't fit the bill, according to the people who would know the most: the grooms.

We asked grooms the simple question "Is your fiancée a bridezilla?" 

A little surprisingly, only 22.7% said, "I love the woman, but yes."

As regular readers now know, from time to time, we turn to one of the less-crazy bridal sites, OneWed, for "her perspective."

Ahh, the father of the bride. He's sweet and bumbling, he's quick with a checkbook but baffled by all this wedding business. Oh wait, that's Steve Martin. Really the father of the bride is scary, he hates you, he doesn't want anyone near his precious daughter, oh wait, that's Robert De Niro in Meet the Parents.

The truth is, the father of the bride is probably not all that different than you.

A reader writes:

"If this were the radio, I'd be the "long time, first time" guy calling in... Thanks for your help with questions from others so far.

"Okay, my fiancee has this ex-boyfriend whom she dated for 5+ years. She grew pretty close to his Mother and while I don't have any hard feelings towards her, he's a different story. My fiancee had to file a restraining order against this guy for stalking a while back so anything that has to do with him just makes me go crazy.

As regular readers now know, from time to time, we turn to one of the less-crazy bridal sites, OneWed, for "her perspective."

As an engaged man there's a question you may be hearing a lot from your fiancée, "Is that what you're wearing?" You may wonder why your fondness for holey t-shirts, black socks and acid-wash jeans is suddenly an issue. After all, she met you dressed like a grunge-era reject why is it now a problem?

There are three interconnected reasons, first, now that you're engaged, you and your fiancée are probably going to a lot of different kinds of events, work parties, friends' weddings, family events. Your lack of fashion sense may be showing up in ways it never has before. Second, you and your fiancée are now connected. What she does reflects on you and vice versa. As silly as it sounds, if being fashionable is important to your fiancée, she may need you to step it up a notch to make her look good. Third, the ability to dress appropriately for an occasion is part of being an adult.

A reader writes:

"After the proposal, the sex died down. Why is this, and what can I do to bring it back? FAST!"

If that question had a silver-bullet answer, then we'd shut down this site, collect our billions, and spend 16+ hours a day shattering bedposts.

A female reader writes:

"Hi, so my fiance and I are getting married in 8 months and the big B-PARTY has come up.

"Now I love my FH, but he doesn't always make the best choices. Some would call him the "sheep" because he just follows whatever the others do. Not that he's ever cheated, but he just doesn't understand that he CAN say no when he feels uncomfortable.

"His best man is NOT the best influence (openly admitting to sleeping with "too many women to count" and asking my FH whether he thought this would ruin his chance at ever having a relationship like ours) and I'm a little worried about the bachelor party.

A female reader asks us:

"I'm writing in to get the guy perspective on post-wedding breakfasts. My parents want to have one, and my groom hates the idea. He's constantly asking me why we have to have one and whether it's a fake tradition from bridal magazines. In his opinion, post-wedding breakfasts are simply stupid, and we should simply say goodbye to all of our guests at the end of the reception and not have to see them again the morning after our wedding night (I'm guessing because he'd like to be asleep or having sex).

I, on the other hand, kinda want to have the wedding breakfast. We live on the other side of the country from our families, and yet most of our extended family will be flying out to attend our wedding. Add to this the fact that I'm a little prone to tears during major life changes (the night before my college graduation I sobbed for five hours), and I think it's a bad idea to combine getting married with saying goodbye to my family (whom I'm extremely close to, despite being so far away) in the same day. It's a bit much for me. I'm getting weepy just thinking about it, actually. And we're not flying out for our honeymoon until the day after the breakfast, anyways, so it's not like it would make our lives more difficult to just saunter downstairs and eat breakfast.

What's my best course of action here? Ignore his protests because he's not saying "no" exactly? Try to explain why I want to have the breakfast? (I'm not certain that "I'm going to cry alot." really counts as a rationale for him until the point at which I cry alot. ) Compromise and tell him I'm going to it but he doesn't have to (which might annoy his family slightly, who then only gets to say goodbye to me)?

A reader asks us:

"I'm engaged. My close friend recently asked me to be a Groomsman for his wedding, and I said yes without hesitation.

"My fiancée (wife by the time of my friends wedding) is upset at the thought of me walking down the aisle with someone other than her.

"How can I smooth things over?"

Plunge reader Ryanh007 posts in the forums:

"You meet girl.  You fall in love with girl.  You want to marry girl.  What do you do if your family doesn't like her?  This isn't the irrational "Nobody is good enough for my boy" dislike, its the irrational "Her family isn't as good as ours, she works at walmart, she isn't the best looking girl in town" dislike, plus other arguments that wouldn't hold their weight.

What do you do when your family is too stuck up to see your bride to be the way you see her?  They have valid points, but you aren't as stuck up as them."

_______

Yes, it's a cliché: the groom hates wedding planning. But some clichés are clichés because they're, well... true. Forget all the stories you heard about "Groomzilla." 99% of grooms aren't Groomzillas. They're just dudes getting married.

Normally we write for men. Normally we give them tools, tricks, and insights to survive the process. Today, we cross the line to help out you, The Bride. So how do you get your man on board?

5 Ways to get us involved:

1. Don't pretend the not-fun stuff is fun.

Don't whitewash the fence. Even if you're savvier than Tom Sawyer, usually, this tactic will backfire. We're just not buying it.  When you say, "Sweetie, it's going to be so much fun to select those ice sculptures!" you lose credibility. Don't pretend that the not-fun stuff is fun. (Like, say, evaluating the different packages of flowers.) In fact, go the opposite route, which leads us to...