The Plunge Blog

A reader writes:

"I am the best man at my sons wedding.

"How do I handle the toast? I need to do the bachelor party but I am a parent so I will not take a group to a strip club.

"I really need your advice."

Reader jorr1104writes in The Forums:

"I just recently learned of complications with groomsmen.  We agreed early on that we'd have three people on both sides-her sister and two friends, and my brother with two friends. 

"No complaints there, three is a very manageable number.  I even found three other guys who could wear their uniforms with me.  The only problem is that now her sister has been causing all kinds of problems, and we don't even know if she's going to show up any more. 

"My fiancée decided to just cut her losses and go with her two friends as bridesmaids and leave it at that.  I'm definitely not disagreeing with her decision, but where does that leave me and my guys?"

A reader writes:

"Am I wrong for being upset? 

"I can honestly say that if the tables were turned, a) I would find a way to get to the wedding; (he's made no attempt what so ever, just simply said "oh well") and b) would throw him a bachelor party regardless of my attendance.

"Any thoughts on any of this? I don't want to " replace" the best man, since we are getting married 1500 miles away; but I'm just looking for some insight as to how someone else would feel/handle this?

Thanks."

Earlier today, the delivery guy dropped off a thick magazine full of wedding paraphernalia. We like these magazines. They're good for kindling, spitballs, and emergency toilet paper.

Before we used the magazine for something useful, though, we peeked inside it. And we were horrified to find some cheesy, outrageous accessories not just for the bride, but for the groom.

It dawned on us... Some men might actually buy this. 

Allow us to intervene.

A reader writes:

"One of my groomsmen called me to let me know his wife's mother is seriously ill.

"Because they are taking on her bills--and taking her into their home--he will be unable to come to our wedding which is next summer.

"I have a friend who was in the running to be a groomsman but I ended up not asking him. Is it rude to ask him to be a groomsman now if I explain the situation to him?  The wedding is in Massachusetts and he lives in Michigan."

A reader writes:

"So I am female and will be playing the role of best man in my best friend's wedding.  Although my friend has been with his woman for 6 years now and they have 2 kids together, I don't know her that well. 

"I'm attempting to write the best man speech and am at a total loss.  The girl is very religious and traditional so I'm not so sure she is thrilled to have a female as best man in her wedding in the first place. 

A reader writes:

"I'm trying to decide on my best man. 

"My actual best friend is my younger brother who is 17 (I'm 25).  My other groomsmen are my friends, but nowhere neat as close as my brother and I are. 

"Is 17 too young to be a best man? 

Flasks? Out. Shot glasses? Out. Money clips? Out.

As discussed in our guide for groomsmen gifts, you should immediately banish those hoariest of clichés.

Instead, your best options, generally, fit the following two criteria:

1) It will be used.

A reader writes:

"First let me say that your site is great.  It's the only site I've visited that doesn't give completely corny advice.  So, I'm the best man in my buddy's wedding in two days.  I have the majority of my speech written, I've run it by a few of the groomsmen, and it's pretty good. 

"However, I have two issues.  One, all the funny stories I have about the groom are hilarious but completely inappropriate to tell in front of the families.  Within our group of friends he is considered the "crazy" one and has done some pretty wild shit.  Any ideas on how to work around that?

A reader writes:

"I had originally decided on an all-day skeet shooting gunfest bachelor party. We would all show up at someone's field around noon, throw up some tailgating tents, back up some trucks full of ammo, and expend enough rounds to make a South American drug lord cry with envy. Afterwards, we could go to dinner or even catch a hockey game in person. It fits me because I am a gun nut, I don't drink (or smoke anything), and I don't do strippers. This plan also works in that I have 4 brothers who all drink, varied friends who do or don't drink, but all of whom are capable of coming out to such an event and having a good time. They can drink (or not) as they please.

I threw this idea to my brothers, and my oldest (the party animal of the family) immediately tried to convince me into something else such as a deep sea fishing trip, or a weekend at his hunting cabin over in Arkansas. I got the others on my side about the shoot-fest and thought the idea was done but now the oldest is bringing it up again about how we need to do a weekend out somewhere instead of a single afternoon. I can agree, a weekend long bachelor party would be fine, but there are several big problems in the way of this.

We get this question all the time: "I have 5 good buddies I want as groomsmen, but only 4 slots open, because my fiancée wants me to use her brother as a groomsman. Do I have to use the bastard?"

It's tough to wiggle out of this bind, and, in case it's any comfort, not even NBA All-Stars have a magic silver bullet.

We don't really give a rat's ass about celebrity weddings, but we couldn't help but notice that over the weekend, when Lamar Odom married Khloé Kardashian (yaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwn), he used Rob Kardashian as a groomsman.

We're really bummed we didn't get this Ask the Expert letter from Lamar:

There are some words that should never leave a man's mouth. "Okey-dokey." "Honey, would you like to re-watch Sex and the City?"  "Why don't we skip football and, instead, go pick out some new drapes?"

On top of this list, of course, sits three words that no man should ever say: "The J@nas Brothers." (We'll use some @#$-bleeps to slip it through our censors--the word is too painful to read in its naked, raw form.)

You probably hate The J@nas Brothers. Frankly, you probably don't even know what they do. Are they singers? Co-stars of a Disney kid show? Puppets? You don't know, you don't care. But let's face it--you've heard the names, and you know that they're B-List celebrities, and that teenage girls love these fu#kers.

So. Now that we've given that whopper of a disclaimer, here's the news: one of the J@nas brothers is getting married, and he's picking two of his brothers to be Best Men.

From the weekend's New York Daily News:

"As grooms are getting married older and older, they have more friends. They might have their best friend from childhood, then their best friend in college, then their best friend from the first city after college, and now their best friend in New York. Thanks to e-mail, cell phones, Facebook and fantasy football, guys are now able to stay in touch and maintain lifelong friendships," says Jeff Wilser, editor at ThePlunge.com.

A little more of our advice throughout their article:

 A reader writes us with the following, which demands to be printed in its entirety:

______

"Here's my problem. My fiancée asked me if she should have my sister as a bridesmaid. I told her my sister wouldn't care either way, so it was up to her.

A reader writes:

"I have 7 Groomsmen.

I was thinking of buying a bottle of Mccallan 15 Year Scotch($65) and engraving my name, my fiance's name, and our wedding date on it? Any thoughts?"

We're reasonably confident that every wedding publication in history would love your idea. They would say, YES, go for it, engrave it, that's' what makes the gift special.

Our take?

You're on to something with the Scotch. That's a generous purchase, and you clearly know your stuff. Your friends will like the bottle. Your friends will be appreciative. Your friends will think it's classy. But. Here's the rub:

Your friends might never drink it.

Think about it. If you give them a bottle with a fancy engraving, it's most likely to rot--perhaps forever--as a sloshy decoration. It's funny how holding out for a "special occasion" means that, essentially, no occasion is ever special enough.

Instead of engraving your names, why not just put the money toward even nicer Scotch? Put differently: what would you rather have?

Now, to clarify, we're not making a blanket statement that all engraving is evil. If you're getting the dudes something that they'll use again and again and again--like, fine, we hate to admit it, a flask--then engraving is the way to go. But if your engraving is actually preventing them from enjoying the gift, thumb your nose at decorum and skip it.

If you're nervous about an un-engraved bottle being too casual, when you give it to them, just tell them that you had thought about engraving, but blame it on us. We're happy being the scapegoat.

Good luck.

Click here for more on groomsmen gifts.