The Plunge Blog

A reader writes:

"My fiancée told me she didn't care about strippers but didn't want them touching me. I took it to mean she'd just be annoyed because that's how I'd feel if she had male strippers rubbing up on her. I'd be annoyed. So I thought I was doing good when I was honest and told her i'd gotten a lap dance from the stripper my best man hired. Now she's not annoyed. She's devastated. She feels betrayed, thinks I'm somehow "unclean" and is just so hurt that I'd do such a thing.

I'm blown away. I thought it was par for the course. Accepted tradition. An annoyance for the bride at best. I've learned the hard way that this assumption was a huge mistake. AND now my good friends and best man (who is really a great guy) have lost all of her respect. She doesn't want them at the wedding! WTF!

I've gone from anger for her not communicating this possible outcome with me to a slobbery crying apologetic fool. It's really hard for me to relate to her. The stripper thing is so meaningless to me. But my fiancée can't relate to that. So how do I convince her that she can trust me? We're getting married in a week. I'm freaking out..."

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Clearly there's only one solution: you need to hire a male stripper, get her good and drunk, and have her girlfriends cajole her into getting a lap dance.  Even Steven, done and done.

Sadly, however, we're not in a lousy Ashton Kutcher comedy. So we'll deal with reality. Nothing can really be gained by finger-pointing, so let's start by pointing some fingers.

Where you're in the wrong: Sorry dude. When she says, "I don't want them touching you," there's almost no credible way you can interpret that as, "I don't love the idea of them touching you, and if it happens, I'll be annoyed, but no biggie!!!" She carved out the rules of engagement, and those rules were clearly NO TOUCHING. If you didn't like those rules (and who would?) the time to negotiate was before the bachelor party, not after. She laid down the law. You broke it.

Where she's in the wrong: Let's get some perspective. You didn't have sex with this stripper. You didn't kiss this stripper. Hell, you didn't even want a lap dance from this stripper, you merely went with the flow when your best man forked over some twenties. And, frankly, that's what happens in strip clubs at bachelor parties. Your sin is one of misunderstanding, not malice. From the tone of your email, it sounds like you really, really, really thought that basic run-o'-the-mill lap dances were on the table.  To use some Supreme Court Justice nomination jargon, your presumption is not "out of the mainstream."  Is she in the right?  From a technical sense, maybe a little. But she relinquished her moral high ground by overreacting.

So if you want to get all 4rd grade and bicker about who's right, who's wrong, that's where you start the arguments. But in the words of Mark McGuire, "We're not here to talk about the past, we're here to talk about the future."

You're getting married in a week. So focus on one thing: Damage Control.

Here's your 5-Step plan:

A reader writes:

"My fiance's parents want to wait 2 years for the wedding.  They are paying for it, and just threw their other daughter a wedding, so I understand that money is tight.  I am not in a position to contribute, but my parents have offered to help out. 

Both my fiance and I think 2 years is too long, but we don't know how to convince them otherwise.  We don't want a huge wedding (150 Max) and have stressed this to them, thinking this would cut down on costs.  It seems to me that they think everything has to be the same as my fiancée's sister, yet we don't feel that way. Is there anyway to try and convince them that this wedding can still be nice if done sooner?"

A reader writes:

"Okay I want a bachelor party......and my girl doesn't care if I have one. I was thinking of going to the strip club with the fellas having a couple of drinks, going home and playing cards/X-box 360/ Bones (dominoes).....the works ya know?

"But my girl has a problem with the strip club.....and strippers period. I see it as since this is basically my last moment of freedom and we both know I aint going to do something I shouldn't......like "sleep" with the stripper, I don't see the problem. Can I get some honest opinions on this please?"

Let's take a step back.  Let's break down your perspective, and then her perspective.

From a reader:

"I have a question for you guys. I love my fiancée more then anything, but I am having one issue. I have a serious jealousy issue with her past. When I get mad at her I cant help but think of all the other guys she's been with and how she must have liked being with them more then me. I know it sounds childish and stupid, but I can't seem to make myself get past it. How do I not let this become an issue so big it ruins my upcoming marriage?"

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 A reader writes us with the following, which demands to be printed in its entirety:

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"Here's my problem. My fiancée asked me if she should have my sister as a bridesmaid. I told her my sister wouldn't care either way, so it was up to her.

There's an old legend about the ancient Greeks. When an athlete triumphed in a sporting event, to congratulate him, the fans would hoist him on their shoulders and yell, "Die Now! Die Now!"

The athlete was at his peak. The apex of his life. "Die Now" meant that he would never, ever be as happy as he was this moment; so to avoid the inevitable letdown, he should just go ahead and kill himself.

As perhaps you've noticed, this tradition has fallen out of favor. At weddings, when we shower the bride and groom with rice, we (usually) don't scream out "Die Now! Die Now!"

No, we at The Plunge do not endorse newlywed euthanasia. And to clarify, we do not think that the wedding will be the apex of your life. You will have other triumphs. You will grow even happier and happier with your wife. Your children will bring you bankruptcy joy.

Still... the Greeks had their finger on something. After the wedding, some guys will feel a letdown, a funk, a hard-to-pinpoint sense of gloom. You can't articulate it. You can't talk about it with your buddies, and you probably can't talk about it with your wife.

Sometimes it helps just to isolate and clarify your stress. Chances are, it stems from one of these 10 funk factors.

Also, in deference to your state of mind, we'll be a little less snarky than usual. We'll be delicate. (Because you're acting like a pansy.)

Funk Factor 1: You're no longer the star.

Truth time. Yes, we've both sworn an aversion to wedding planning. We mock it, you avoid it. Shhhhh... We promise we won't tell anyone...but we know that you secretly enjoyed it. Or at least parts of it. You were the leading man in a lavish play that had a cast of 200. You were doted on, flattered, honored with gifts. And now? The gig's up, the costumes are boxed in the closet, the audience has moved on to the next wedding.

Solution: Good news. This effect is temporary. Life will soon return to normal, and with it, your perspective and humor.

Funk Factor 2: You have idle hands.

For better or worse, the wedding sucked up a lot of time. And now you suddenly have your evenings free. Yes, you mocked it and yes, you were annoyed by much of it, but even on the bad days it was what you did. Without all the stress of planning-or putting up with your fiancée's planning-you could find yourself bored. And boredom leads to depression.

Solution: Take up a new hobby with your wife. Tennis lessons, wine tasting, key parties, whatever. You had a life before. You'll have a life again.

For the additional funk factors and solutions, see the full article Happily Ever After(?): Dealing with Post-Wedding Stress.

A reader writes:

"First of all, love your website. Yep, I'm a chick, I hate wedding porn. I find it obnoxious. I love how honest this website is.

"I have a question. It's about my fiancé...I'm torn. Maybe it's just a dream of mine but I'd like to think he can have as much fun at the wedding as I can. Maybe not in the planning process, but at least AT the wedding. I'm trying my damnedest to keep his spirit involved even if he is not necessarily planning things.

It's Saturday night. Close your eyes and imagine a guys night out-pitchers, shooting pool, grilled steaks, baseball game, whatever the hell it is you do.

Think about who you'd invite for this. Your buddies. Your real friends. Do you include your boss? Or your other random co-workers?

NO.

Because they're not your friends, they're dudes that you're forced to spend time with out of circumstance and decorum. Your free-time is your free-time. So apply the same rules to your wedding. Don't over-think this. And don't bow to intra-office politics. Unless you have a genuinely best-buds relationship with your co-workers, scrub them from your guest list.

Any questions?

[You] Too late. I accidentally invited a few of them.

Have you sent them invitations?

Well...no, not exactly. But over coffee, I casually mentioned that of course they're invited. So now I'm obligated to formally invite them, right?

Wrong. You're off the hook. Just throw your fiancée under the bus.

Excuse me?

As we mentioned in our overall advice on guest lists (click here), the best approach with co-workers is to lie, lie, lie. Tell them that because it's a small wedding, your fiancée and her family have a strict "no co-worker" policy. You'd love to invite them...but your hands are tied.

Hmm. What about my boss?

Same rule applies to him or her. Besides, on this day of all days, do you really want to deal with your frickin' boss?

Yeah, but...when they got married, my other co-workers invited the boss to the wedding. I need to keep pace.

Dude. Have a backbone. Embrace some basic psychology: people want you when they feel unwanted. Think back to when you were dating, how the "unattainable girl" was hotter than the one who dropped her skirt. Same goes for the workplace. By not inviting your boss, however subconsciously, you just earned a little more cache.

I want to invite a few buddies from Marketing, but I don't want to invite the dorks from Internal Audit.

Bad idea. Better to go all or nothing. When you invite some of your work friends, you open the door for tension and bruised feelings. People get jealous.

For more Q&A, see the entire article Co-Workers: In or Out?

A reader writes:

"I proposed to my lady two years ago, we were supposed to get married this year but had to put it off because of money trouble.  We chose our wedding party right away, opting for close friends and family members, and we ended up with five people each (I chose my brother, my two cousins, and my two closest friends at the time). 

"Now I have this friend Jason.  Two years ago Jason and I weren't really talking, for dumb reasons.  But now we're really good friends again, and he's asked me to be the Best Man at his upcoming wedding.

"So here's my thing. 

Reader "Donnie Brasco" writes:

"Problem..... fiance and I picked out the tuxedos for myself and the groomsmen.  The Mother and Father of the Bride do not like our picks.  Now, we are second guessing them.  Should we switch the tuxs to make them happy (note, they are paying for the wedding)?

We picked grey tuxedos, with yellow ties and vests for the guys.  Ivory tie and vest for the groom."

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A reader writes:

"A very good friend of mine--who we originally wanted as a groomsman early in the wedding planning--enlisted in the Army in the meantime.  We of course had no idea if he would be able to make it, because you never know when he can get leave (it's not like he can just say "I've got a wedding to go to guys, take care of the Taliban for me"). 

"So I really couldn't make him a groomsman, because we needed to know that the wedding party would all be able to make it.

A reader writes:

"If this were the radio, I'd be the "long time, first time" guy calling in... Thanks for your help with questions from others so far.

"Okay, my fiancee has this ex-boyfriend whom she dated for 5+ years. She grew pretty close to his Mother and while I don't have any hard feelings towards her, he's a different story. My fiancee had to file a restraining order against this guy for stalking a while back so anything that has to do with him just makes me go crazy.

A reader writes:

My fiance have recently decided to elope. We have 3-5 months to plan the getaway. We're thinking Paris, a Greek island, or a Caribbean island.

Any suggestions, thoughts or suggested websites?

Wow. I must be out of it.

I'm about as classically, basic, mainstream "Guy" as you can get. (If you need credentials, I wrote a friggin' book about the rules of being a guy.)

Yet somehow, miraculously, I've made it all these years without some tool sneaking up behind me, tapping me on the shoulder, and demanding that I chug a bottle of warm piss Smirnoff Ice.

Apparently, "Icing" is now how we, men, are supposed to prove our... what, exactly? Competitiveness? Virility? Complete lack of taste?

We'll update our checklists right away.

In addition to mundane tasks like "Don't forget the ring," "Bring the marriage license," and "Don't get drunk in front of the bride's father," apparently we need to add, "Don't get kidnapped."  (As an aside, don't miss our checklists.)

Just moments before his wedding, a groom was scooped up by a gang and kidnapped. Insert the lame old joke, did they do the dude a favor? [Bada bing!]

In a small town in India, as reported by The Times of India: