The Plunge Blog

A reader writes:

"Am I wrong for being upset? 

"I can honestly say that if the tables were turned, a) I would find a way to get to the wedding; (he's made no attempt what so ever, just simply said "oh well") and b) would throw him a bachelor party regardless of my attendance.

"Any thoughts on any of this? I don't want to " replace" the best man, since we are getting married 1500 miles away; but I'm just looking for some insight as to how someone else would feel/handle this?

Thanks."

A reader writes:

"Okay I want a bachelor party......and my girl doesn't care if I have one. I was thinking of going to the strip club with the fellas having a couple of drinks, going home and playing cards/X-box 360/ Bones (dominoes).....the works ya know?

"But my girl has a problem with the strip club.....and strippers period. I see it as since this is basically my last moment of freedom and we both know I aint going to do something I shouldn't......like "sleep" with the stripper, I don't see the problem. Can I get some honest opinions on this please?"

Let's take a step back.  Let's break down your perspective, and then her perspective.

A reader writes:

"My fiancée told me she didn't care about strippers but didn't want them touching me. I took it to mean she'd just be annoyed because that's how I'd feel if she had male strippers rubbing up on her. I'd be annoyed. So I thought I was doing good when I was honest and told her i'd gotten a lap dance from the stripper my best man hired. Now she's not annoyed. She's devastated. She feels betrayed, thinks I'm somehow "unclean" and is just so hurt that I'd do such a thing.

I'm blown away. I thought it was par for the course. Accepted tradition. An annoyance for the bride at best. I've learned the hard way that this assumption was a huge mistake. AND now my good friends and best man (who is really a great guy) have lost all of her respect. She doesn't want them at the wedding! WTF!

I've gone from anger for her not communicating this possible outcome with me to a slobbery crying apologetic fool. It's really hard for me to relate to her. The stripper thing is so meaningless to me. But my fiancée can't relate to that. So how do I convince her that she can trust me? We're getting married in a week. I'm freaking out..."

_________

Clearly there's only one solution: you need to hire a male stripper, get her good and drunk, and have her girlfriends cajole her into getting a lap dance.  Even Steven, done and done.

Sadly, however, we're not in a lousy Ashton Kutcher comedy. So we'll deal with reality. Nothing can really be gained by finger-pointing, so let's start by pointing some fingers.

Where you're in the wrong: Sorry dude. When she says, "I don't want them touching you," there's almost no credible way you can interpret that as, "I don't love the idea of them touching you, and if it happens, I'll be annoyed, but no biggie!!!" She carved out the rules of engagement, and those rules were clearly NO TOUCHING. If you didn't like those rules (and who would?) the time to negotiate was before the bachelor party, not after. She laid down the law. You broke it.

Where she's in the wrong: Let's get some perspective. You didn't have sex with this stripper. You didn't kiss this stripper. Hell, you didn't even want a lap dance from this stripper, you merely went with the flow when your best man forked over some twenties. And, frankly, that's what happens in strip clubs at bachelor parties. Your sin is one of misunderstanding, not malice. From the tone of your email, it sounds like you really, really, really thought that basic run-o'-the-mill lap dances were on the table.  To use some Supreme Court Justice nomination jargon, your presumption is not "out of the mainstream."  Is she in the right?  From a technical sense, maybe a little. But she relinquished her moral high ground by overreacting.

So if you want to get all 4rd grade and bicker about who's right, who's wrong, that's where you start the arguments. But in the words of Mark McGuire, "We're not here to talk about the past, we're here to talk about the future."

You're getting married in a week. So focus on one thing: Damage Control.

Here's your 5-Step plan:

The latest in bachelor party ideas?

A reader chimes in:

"The last bachelor party I went to was rather tame but I still had fun.

"How about using your brain, especially if some of the guys have been drinking? They had an easel with paper and we tried to figure out world capitals?

Reader comment of the day, this time from our 20 Stripper-Free Bachelor Party Ideas:

Some additional recommendations:

1. Rock Concert (If one of the groom's faves are playing at the right time)
2. Baseball Game - playing OR watching (substitute other sports if necessary)
3. Renting a boat/yacht (less expensive than you'd guess!)
4. Bowling (sounds lame but throwing 14-pound balls around can be fun)

And for all of the above I recommend copious quantities of Beer.

Well, okay then. This is an oddball. 

Over in the always-controversial article What Counts as Cheating at a Bachelor Party, the reader "dude" has this to add:

"This is bullshit, have you seen what goes on at a bachelorette party?

"They have sex with the strippers, while the party eggs them. are you telling me thats not cheating?"

People who know me--really know me--know that no matter my faults, no matter my character flaws (and there are many), at least you can say this:  I can be hard to shut up.

We prove this again on a new podcast, Grooms with a View, over at the Wedding Podcast Network.

Editor Jeff Wilser (me) has a sprawling conversation with Robert Allen about bachelor parties, relationship advice, and the pitfalls of being a groom.

Get the podcast here.

A female reader writes:

"Hi, so my fiance and I are getting married in 8 months and the big B-PARTY has come up.

"Now I love my FH, but he doesn't always make the best choices. Some would call him the "sheep" because he just follows whatever the others do. Not that he's ever cheated, but he just doesn't understand that he CAN say no when he feels uncomfortable.

"His best man is NOT the best influence (openly admitting to sleeping with "too many women to count" and asking my FH whether he thought this would ruin his chance at ever having a relationship like ours) and I'm a little worried about the bachelor party.

A reader asks us:

"I've got a bachelor party coming up, and my younger brother/best man is on the case."

"Here's the issue: My brother and nearly all of the invitees are unmarried and to my knowledge have limited experience with bachelor parties (to be fair, the same is true for me).

A reader asks:

"Hi guys,

"I'm having a pretty weird problem with my wedding planning. My fiance's groomsmen have pretty much bailed on throwing him a bachelor party!!

"I don't want him to go without (including the whole strippers and booze shebang if he wants, provided there is no actual she-banging).

A female reader writes:

"I got married to a guy 4 months back. He had his bachelor party in May.  I came to know a month back that they had gone to a strip bar and he had a lap dance.

"When I asked him a day after his bachelors party, he said they just did bar hopping, didn't go to a strip bar.... but when his friend said that they went to strip bar, he confessed that they did, and that he got a lap dance.

"He did apologize to me that he lied, and did say sorry hundred times. On my insistence, he took me to a strip bar to see what it looks like. This issue was discussed before we started dating that he would never go to a strip bar.

We don't even know where to begin.

This doesn't need an introduction.

Just... behold.

In response to our story 20 (Stripper-Free) Bachelor Party Ideas, a reader  writes:

A reader writes:

"I had originally decided on an all-day skeet shooting gunfest bachelor party. We would all show up at someone's field around noon, throw up some tailgating tents, back up some trucks full of ammo, and expend enough rounds to make a South American drug lord cry with envy. Afterwards, we could go to dinner or even catch a hockey game in person. It fits me because I am a gun nut, I don't drink (or smoke anything), and I don't do strippers. This plan also works in that I have 4 brothers who all drink, varied friends who do or don't drink, but all of whom are capable of coming out to such an event and having a good time. They can drink (or not) as they please.

I threw this idea to my brothers, and my oldest (the party animal of the family) immediately tried to convince me into something else such as a deep sea fishing trip, or a weekend at his hunting cabin over in Arkansas. I got the others on my side about the shoot-fest and thought the idea was done but now the oldest is bringing it up again about how we need to do a weekend out somewhere instead of a single afternoon. I can agree, a weekend long bachelor party would be fine, but there are several big problems in the way of this.

You need to see this email, sent by the Best Man.

I got this months ago. Read it. Appreciate it. You have to love the sense of mystery, style, and adventure.

Also, and maybe best of all, you have to love the fact that everything is taken care of and planned. No group decisions. No chaos-by-committee. This guy isn't fu$king around.

The bachelor party itself? I just got back. Still processing. Still dazed. Still blown away. I've been to many, many, many bachelor parties in my day. They're almost all for lifelong-best-friends, so I don't want to make a Sophie's Choice and say which one is "best." I love hanging out with my friends, period, regardless of context. But in terms of sheer originality, adrenaline, audacity, bucket-list-items-checked-off, and wow-factor, this one takes the cake.

Since I'll be at a bachelor party later this week (top-top-top secret, can't share details), I'm in a bachelor party kind of mood.

A reader comments with the below suggestion. Worth sharing.

For $50 bucks a pop, not a bad way to go. Yes, you will get laughed at. Yes, your whole crew will be sort of obnoxious. But, well, that's part of the drunken glory.

The suggestion: