The Plunge Blog

Don't do it. Stop right now. Down that road lies pain. You've seen the Victoria's Secret ads, you've trolled the Agent Provocateur website, and you've drooled over catwalk models in lusty, see-through chemises. And now you're thinking, "Hmm, that would look hot on my girl, too. I'll buy her some."

Turn back. Like something out of a bad Chuck Norris movie, you're volunteering for a suicide mission. Too many things can go wrong. You'll get the wrong size. An inappropriate style. An unflattering fit. You risk tears, resentment, fights and even breakups. So don't do it.

Still there? [Sigh.] Okay. It's possible to make it out alive, but you have to stick to a plan. The mission has three steps: Reconnaissance, Requisition, and Deployment.

But first thing's first. Get your head straight-you need to banish those Victoria's Secret images. Your girl is not one of those models (if she is, she's already got plenty of lingerie). Your brain is trying to graft her head onto Claudia Schiffer's body and that's only going to happen in PhotoShop. It's no longer about what you think is sexy. If you're committed to this fool's errand, your only hope is to figure out what will make her feel sexy. This is your guiding principle. Onto the mission.

Reconnaissance:

The basic spy work. This step is easy. Without getting busted (and awkwardly mistaken as a cross-dresser), you need to scope out her underwear drawer. As non-creepily as possible, you must gather a repository of intelligence-everything you will need for your mission. It will be overwhelming at first-different colors, fabrics, cuts, designs-but you can tighten your focus on a single point: her size.

The size is everything. Failure is not an option; if you get her something too small, she'll feel fat. As a rule of thumb, a woman doesn't feel sexy when she feels like a busted can of biscuits. So it can't be too small. And if it's too big? Then she'll think thatyou think she's fat-you see the Catch 22. So learn her size. Triple-confirm it as you root through her drawer. Check the tags on her gear: you're looking for a figure like 36C, indicating both the band size (number) and cup size (letter). Panty size (S, M, hopefully not XXXXL) is also valuable intel, but the bra size is mission-critical.

You should also note the colors, especially if you're still a rookie and haven't yet figured out what colors she likes to wear. (Then again...if you haven't gotten to that point, you probably shouldn't be rummaging through her dresser drawer, right?) Pay attention to the materials she owns: some women love lace, some find it irritating. Maybe your girl only struts in silk. Take note.

Try and get a sense for her adventurousness-just how wild is she? Does she have nightgowns or teddies? Thongs or tap pants? Are her bras strapless? Are the cups full or demi? Underwire or not? Write this intel down in a secure notebook. Sear the data into your brain. It's doable. If you can memorize the stats for your starting Running Backs and Wide Receivers in your fantasy football league, then yes, you can remember something like "36C, lace, crimson."

One more thing to look for. For whatever reasons, Victoria's Secret is a polarizing label-some women swear by it, some loathe it. See if she's got any Victoria's Secret; if not, that's not a coincidence, and you should instead target a smaller boutique.

There's one basic rule for all this recon: If you find it in her underwear drawer, she'll probably like something similar.

And click here to move on to the full article and the next phase of your mission: Requisition.