We'll admit it. We're biased.
In our opinion, by definition, any "wedding story" is a "dumb wedding story."
There's maybe a "good" wedding story once every 20 years, like the time when... um... okay, so maybe there's a good wedding story once every millennium, like when King Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn. Now that's a good wedding story.
The 5 Dumbest Wedding Stories of 2009:
5. Groom Twitters from the Altar
An unholy alliance of the two most obnoxious trends of the past 20 years: wedding-porn and Twitter. (Actually, there could be an even more obnoxious trend--and far less reported--than Twitter: websites that force you to read articles through a "slide-show" of photos you don't give a damn about. Are we the only ones who despise that?) Speaking of the obnoxiousness of Twitter: you can follow us on Twitter here.
4. OMG [Random Celebrity A] Marries [Random Celebrity B]!!!!!
Can someone please explain this to us? We really don't get the appeal of celebrity weddings. Here are the 3 things we know: 1) These two celebrities will almost certainly get a divorce; 2) The wedding itself is often milked for publicity, so our attention plays directly into their already-rich hands; 3) We are not personally invited to the wedding. So, given all that, in what way is this even remotely interesting? Why do we care? As men, even though we have our own sports heroes and celebrity figures, we don't really give a damn about what they do in their private lives. You won't hear us saying: "Holy shit! Peyton Manning just bought a new lawnmower!"
3. New TV Channel Just for Weddings
It's come to this. Is there anything more depressing than imagining a woman curled up on her couch, munching calorie-free snacks, and watching a never-ending channel only about weddings all day long? As an aside, we've whipped up some fake wedding shows that you can see here, including "Annulment Island," "Beauty and the Priest," and "Say No to the Ho."
We can almost--almost!--swallow the argument that this is actually a compelling, positive, substantive wedding story about independence, flouting tradition, and doing your own thing. But 10 million views on Twitter? Really? People. You need to develop some new hobbies. Like reading, cooking, or plucking out your eyeballs with spoons.
1. The Kevin Jonas Wedding
A subset of the above, but this brand of stupidity demands its own entry. As we might have mentioned elsewhere, any guy who is interested in the Kevin Jonas wedding should click www.INeedToGetALife.com or www.GetMoreTestosterone.com.
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