The Plunge Blog

Today, we bring you something a little different.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, a good chunk of our Ask the Expert column explores readers' concerns about lap dances, bachelor parties, and trust. For example, a groom ticked off his woman when he got a lap dance (against her wishes), and he asked our advice. We gave it. 

And then we started thinking... what would our counterparts say, the ones in the wedding industry? What the hell. We decided to find out. From time to time, for a bit of perspective, we'll be opening the portal to bizarro world and getting the thoughts of--[gasp!]--an actual wedding site, you know, the kind for chicks. 

Don't worry. We haven't gone soft. This is an exchange program, of sorts. We'll also be on their site and giving our (at times obnoxious) advice to brides. A sort of He said, She said.  Also, to be fair, the wedding website, OneWed.com, is just about as down to earth a wedding site as you can find. Maybe you'll agree with her. Maybe you'll be outraged by her. Who knows.  But as Ben Affleck said when signing on to Gigli, what could go wrong? 

So here's what's on deck:

1) The original question, and our response: here.
2) The original question, and their response (below)
3) We tackle one of their bridal questions over at OneWed.com. (Should you attend your Ex's wedding?)

Ready? Here goes. A reader writes:

My fiancée told me she didn't care about strippers but didn't want them touching me. I took it to mean she'd just be annoyed because that's how I'd feel if she had male strippers rubbing up on her. I'd be annoyed. So I thought I was doing good when I was honest and told her I'd gotten a lap dance from the stripper my best man hired. Now she's not annoyed. She's devastated. She feels betrayed, thinks I'm somehow "unclean" and is just so hurt that I'd do such a thing.

I'm blown away. I thought it was par for the course. Accepted tradition. An annoyance for the bride at best. I've learned the hard way that this assumption was a huge mistake. AND now my good friends and best man (who is really a great guy) have lost all of her respect. She doesn't want them at the wedding! WTF!

I've gone from anger for her not communicating this possible outcome with me to a slobbery crying apologetic fool. It's really hard for me to relate to her. The stripper thing is so meaningless to me. But my fiancée can't relate to that. So how do I convince her that she can trust me? We're getting married in a week. I'm freaking out.

She Says (OneWed):

It's funny, every guy I've talked to about this, including The Plunge guys mentions "trust issues."

Um, yes she has trust issues, because you're untrustworthy! You specifically agreed not to do something, then you did it anyway. In your attempt to justify yourself you threw your best friends under the bus (why else would she have lost respect for them?). Then you add to your mistake by explaining that you thought it would be ok to annoy her and she should have been clearer about exactly how she would feel when you went back on an agreement?

Look, women aren't idiots. We know the stripper didn't "want you." We know you didn't sleep with her and that it wasn't a meaningful relationship. She's not mad because she thinks you cheated on her, she's mad because she's spent the past six months of her life dedicated to planning your wedding and you turn around and treat her like your mother. You ask her permission, then come up with teenage excuses for why you went against her wishes (Gosh mom, my friends were all doing it, I thought it would be ok. You just don't understand!)

For other guys reading, I do need to explain one big difference between men and women and going out. Women go out with their friends to keep themselves OUT of trouble. We rely on our friends to prevent us from making bad decisions. We really don't get the idea that grown men exert peer pressure on each other and get each other to do stupid things. So blaming things on your buddies is going to backfire in one of two ways, either you'll seem like a wimp or your fiancée will start to dislike your friends.

For the LW, it's time for you to man up buddy. Sit down with her. Calmly, with no self-pity and no self-justification admit that you were wrong to have the lap dance. You agreed to respect her wishes and you didn't. This is your fault, not your best man's and you take full responsibility. Given that, can the two of you get past this and go ahead with the wedding next week or not? That's really all there is to it.

My guess is you're going to hear a lot of stuff about wedding planning, stress, your lack of appreciation, and many, many other things that have been building up over the past six to nine months of planning. There will be confusion and tears and you will apologize and by this time next week, you'll be happily married.

The She Says point of view is provided by Marta Segal Block of OneWed.com. OneWed combines the largest online directory of wedding vendors, sensible and realistic wedding planning advice and Wedding Pre-Party, a unique combination of a virtual tailgate party and social networking.

You can find our take on the same issue here, and then we cause some trouble over at the OneWed.com, here.