A reader writes:
"So I am female and will be playing the role of best man in my best friend's wedding. Although my friend has been with his woman for 6 years now and they have 2 kids together, I don't know her that well.
"I'm attempting to write the best man speech and am at a total loss. The girl is very religious and traditional so I'm not so sure she is thrilled to have a female as best man in her wedding in the first place.
"I feel like no matter what I say I will disappoint her. I was trying to open with a joke about the situation, but I don't want to make a mockery of it. I also think that no matter what I have planned for the bachelor party she will find some major flaw in it and will be forever pissed at my friend, since she has been kind of hesitant about our friendship in the past. Please help with any suggestions or words of encouragement!"
________
We suggest the following three tactics:
1) Maybe opening with something like, "I think, perhaps, I'm the reason these two love birds stand before you today. If he was better in bed, I never would have dumped him."
2) Loosen up the crowd with a few jokes about Jesus.
3) Bring comfort to the crowd by addressing the elephant in the room, saying, "I'm just so happy--so happy--that we are now, finally, bringing order back in this universe. Think about it. For someone so religious, it sure is weird that they had 2 kids without being married, right? So everybody please, raise your glasses, to expunging sin!"
The careful reader will observe that these three suggestions, in fact, will result in your death. So instead, just do the opposite of these three tactics, and you'll be okay.
What does that mean exactly? No "jokes about the situation," as you put it, no matter how innocuous, as they can easily backfire. No jokes about religion, no jokes about their children, and no jokes about your past.
In fact, avoid your past almost entirely. Here's why.
You didn't say in your email whether you had a romantic history with the groom, but face it, everyone over the age of 17 will assume that, at some point, you guys hooked up. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't, but it's actually irrelevant. People will wonder. The bride will wonder. The bride's parents will wonder. The caterer will wonder. And if the bride knows that you've hooked up, it's mission-critical that you keep this squeaky clean.
For your particular case, we recommend that you skip the usual chunk of the best man speech where you make fun of the guy, laugh about his (PG) misadventures, and tell stories from the past. The stronger your rapport, the more eyebrows will be raised.
So what do you do instead?
Just focus on: 1) the groom and the bride as a couple; and 2) the bride herself; and maaaaybe 3) their kids. We know, we know, you barely know this nutjob. It doesn't matter. Just talk about how perfect they are together, how you've never seen Derek so happy in your life, how amazing she is, yada yada. Ideally, get specific, but if you got nothin', just go with the generic platitudes. Trust us. That's better than you waxing on about memories between you and the groom.
Our most important advice?
Keep it short.
The biggest favor you can do for your friend, ironically, is to give the quickest, least-memorable speech in Best Man History. Given the fact that your very presence makes certain people queasy, you don't want to be the star. You can't outshine anyone. And you sure as hell can't outshine the bride. The more amazing and eloquent you seem, the more people wonder, "Huh, why didn't he marry that one?"
Take one for the team. In your awkward situation, bizarrely, a mediocre speech is better than a great speech.
(Oh, and if you feel you need some some kind of humor to acknowledge the weirdness of being the best man? Just keep it neutral and say something like, "So I'm the best....ah...'man.'" That'll do it.)
Think of this as good news! It's rare, in life, when all we need to do is be mediocre. Enjoy it. Soak it in.
Good luck.
p.s. We don't have to remind you not to get pissed-drunk, right? Good.
And for much more on speeches, visit The Plunge's complete Wedding Toast section.
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